Minneapolis is now Purgatory. Seattle is HELL!

I knew it was coming. They warned me. And yet I watched 3 hours of crap, crammed into a 2-hour time slot, to see the 2 minutes of decent television. I never thought E=mc² could be so deviously used against me! I know many of you out there enjoy the auditions ("not that there's anything wrong with that"), but I feel like each season they're giving us less good material to watch, and making us endure more nonsense. The producers are probably thinking to themselves, "The die-hard fans will watch the show starting at its brutal beginning, finishing with its fantastic end, regardless of what we actually show, so let's put more garbage in the audition shows so we can take advantage of the huge subset of people who ONLY watch the auditions for the nonsense." Where was I when this focus group was assembled?! (I am still watching, for the record.)

So, on to my "Top 10 Things A.I. Wannabes Should Know: Seattle Edition."

10. "I've been singing since I was 3" is not a valid endorsement of your talent. I began writing on the walls at 2, and I'm still no Picasso! Starting earlier (like 2, 1, "from the womb," or "before I was born") does not improve the strength of your claims.

9. Unless your friends are Simon, Paula, or Randy, none of their opinions will wow anyone here today--none of them!

8. Telling Simon he cannot sing or "I don't see you up here" will not help you get to Hollywood. He doesn't have to sing, YOU do! And being able to recognize talentless singing is a separate ability from being able to actually sing. We all know a bad haircut, but few of us can produce a good one.

7. Please, please, PLEASE do not tell me who you sound like, even if the judges ask you, "Who do you think you sound like?" This is a TRAP! It will get you on television, but it will probably not get you through to Hollywood. If you sounded like Mariah, Whitney, Christina, Brian McKnight, or any other superstar you likely would have been discovered by now.

6. When you are denied the golden ticket, and the camera is in your face, I would encourage you not to proclaim, "You WILL see me on TV some day!" Number 1, you'll certainly be included in the "pissed-off rejects" segment. Number 2, being on the 10 O'clock news is being on TV, and not usually in the good way.

5. If you approach the judges at all, you will be apprehended by security, and you may or may not be treated to an LAPD special. Think "billy clubs." I don't care if you simply want to "style" Simon's hair. These shenanigans will not endear yourself to the hearts of America, but on the brighter side, you will most likely end up on television. Refer to #6 regarding "good" television appearances and "bad" ones.

4. Simon is prepared to give out one compliment over the two days of auditions, but Randy and Paula's juvenile behavior will prevent you from ever hearing it. I'm sorry, but dem's the breaks.

3. Day 1 will be terrible, and there will be bad press in the papers on Day 2. Bringing "attitude" and finding the need to "represent" will not help. Day 2 does not look any more promising.

2. "I AM the next American Idol," "So YOU are the next American Idol," and other similar phrases will now be officially entered into the English lexicon, referring to any person who are delusional, narcissistic, or otherwise confused about his or her actual aptitude. For example, "Mr. President, your approval ratings are at an all-time low, but you persist in your pigheaded thinking. You must think you ARE the next American Idol." These phrases will have longer staying power than previous candidates such as "You ARE the weakest link. Good-bye" for the following reasons.

--"The Weakest Link" was quickly shifted to daytime television, five days a week, for 30 minutes,
--It is now seen in syndication on the Game Show Network, and
--You people insist on yelling our catch phrases at the camera time and time again (with a little prodding I'm sure!)

1. You have probably all heard that our contracts are among the most restrictive and ridiculous in show business. Along with "our search for the next American Idol," our exploitation of all of you starts . . . NOW! (cue music) We have no pity for the ridiculous, delusional, mentally ill, or otherwise disadvantaged. Our judges will laugh at your misfortune, they will ridicule you, and they will patronize you. Your dignity will not be returned to you (especially if you try to push open the door on the left), and we reserve the right to air any and all gaffes we think will entertain the basest of human sentiments. We do not apologize for this since we are now entering our 6th season and you should know by now. With that said, we hope you do well (or not), just as long as we can fill 2 hours of air time. Cheers!

Bonus advice from the Doctor for all you Seattleites auditioning today, again, haiku style.

Emerald City
So few of you will advance
I can't stop weeping

So, I have 5 days to recover, become hopeful that there is better material yet to come, and forget that the promos for Memphis promised people dressed as Elvis, people who "sound like Elvis" but insist on "moving," not dancing, and 16,000 people who think, "I AM the next American Idol!"^TM I can't wait!