And you thought Minneapolis was bad . . .

I hate audition weeks. Why do I watch these? I sit through hours of crap to see one or two good singers emerge so I know who they are as they compete and so I can say, “I remember their audition.” But oh the torture. I think the audition episodes may well have something to do with my increased anxiety this week. If I were a pill popper, I’d be popping Paxil.

This show has gone too far. They’re totally exploiting people who are mentally and socially retarded. After watching this show, I feel socially retarded.

Let’s begin, shall we? Today’s post will be in the form of cited stupidity and response.

Stupid Move #1: Contestants mouthing off to Simon -- “I don’t see you putting out albums!”

Simon has not ever nor will he ever profess to be a singer or put out an album. So why, oh why, in the name of all that is Idol, do people insist on making asses of themselves with such stupid logic? Note to contestants—you look like fools when you argue that point. He is a “judge,” not a singer. He hasn’t ever said he is a singer. What part do you not understand? Oh and if you’re just that stupid, when have you ever seen mouthing off to the judges help a contestant advance? Particularly a bad singer.


Stupid Move #2: Nicknames that start with “The” end in “-ness”

The Hotness? The Hotness? Let’s see, Preakness . . . Loch Ness . . . yeah, that’s not working for you. On. Oh. So. Many. Levels.


Stupidity #3: Randy and Simon acting like a couple of giggly junior high schoolers at the expense of the contestants.

There are many, many times that the two of them just don’t come across as middle-aged men. “That’s not a compliment.” Ryan seems more mature than the two of them put together.


Stupidity #4, 5, and 6: Leggings. Pink Leggings. Pink Leggings on the arms.

Does this even merit a response?


Stupidity #7: Coworkers who send their ENGINEER colleague from Midvale (which, by the way, isn’t outside the Salt Lake Valley; it’s IN the Salt Lake Valley) to try out without hearing him sing.

Honestly, you’ve gotta wonder at the cruelty of humanity. All humanity. Those who encouraged him. Those who didn’t stop him. Those who sent him to the judges. Those who let him sing and sway on that little stage seemingly endlessly. Those who continued to exploit him by interviewing him and showing more of him. Those who just kept the camera rolling while viewers writhe in utter agony. Did he have gas? Why did he keep jabbing his fist into his left side like that? Awwww, and he thought he was good, too! You feel sorry for the guy. There’s a social disconnect there. So, you know, the show exploits it.


Stupidity #8: Superimposing a British Flag over Simon’s middle finger

That’s just an insult to our friends on the other side of the pond.


Stupidity #9: Making it blatantly obvious who’s going to be in the finale on the 2nd day of auditions. Stupid manufactured “moments”. . .

Like we don’t know that those two awkward geeky boys who “made friends in line” aren’t going to be in the finale. I don’t know how I know this. Maybe I’m psychic. Or maybe, oh, I don’t know . . . maybe it’s the friendship song montage of their hugs and smiles. Or maybe it’s the unending footage of Ryan interviewing them and talking about their “friendship.” Or maybe it’s the clips of them clumsily doing “cool secret guy handshakes.” I’m just not sure how I know.


Stupidity #10: Using hair products as weapons.

Was he going to gel him??


Stupidity #11: Doing aerobics AND sign language while you audition.

That’s jus . . . wait, what? Ohhhhhh, that’s how he sings and dances. Oh, I get it. That was his audition.

THIS IS PAINFUL!! Torturous and painful!! This is an outrage. They are exploiting the mentally deficient and the socially challenged. And they know it. Paula said, “There are troubled people here.” Troubled. They know. I’m not even being funny. I’m totally, 100% (Note to Paula: you can’t be “one million per cent” anything) serious. I worry for those poor kids. After the show. Worse yet, after it airs. Oh, those poor things—it’s just wrong. And they’ll call them BACK. And further exploit them. On the finale.

My face hurts. I don’t know of any other show (and I LOVE this show) that makes my face look grumpy and pained. I’ve found new muscles in my face tonight. We got Tivo because I love and am addicted to this show. Yet during these [superimposed British Flag] audition weeks, I can hardly wait for the green line to move all the way to the right. Then, with sweet relief, we turn off the TV, sigh in relief, and head to our computers to vent away the painful anxiety.

A few more rants, things I’ve noticed, and then the (few) good things. I’m generally a positive person. These audition shows don’t allow much in the way of focusing on the positive. It’s a quantity issue.

I find it highly irritating when the judges’ little immature games, sound effects (were they growling?), pouting, and incessant interrupting cheat contestants out of constructive feedback. I mean, do you want to be taken seriously or not? Don’t answer.

Have you noticed that when a cute boy enters the room, the camera zooms in on Paula’s expectant, happy face as she sits up taller in her seat? Have you noticed that when a cute girl enters the room, the camera zooms in on Simon’s face so we get an up close of his ogling while he chews on a pencil? Dirty old man. Sometimes I don’t like Simon.

I love when Simon utters out loud what I’m (speechlessly) thinking and I don’t even know that I’m thinking it until he says it and I think, “YES! My thoughts exactly!” (Did you follow that?) Phrases like, “What the hell was that?” or “Are you drunk?” Sometimes I really like Simon.

Did you notice that the girl with the cold drank a NON-Coke product? They had to blur out the bastards who didn’t pay for that advertising.

I liked the mother-daughter people. Like “clone people.” Or hobbits. I don’t know what else to call them. But you know exactly who I’m talking about, don’t you? They were very polite. I love that they’re still going to watch and love the show. Good on them. That was refreshing.

How many thousand try out? How many get through? Moral? Singing is a gift. Sometimes meant to be given and shared. Sometimes meant to be kept to yourself. That’s okay.

I predict that the last contestant they let through on the first day in the Emerald City (the Venezuelan guy who had Paula swooning) is going to be the cocky guy contestant this season. He is Season 6’s AJ Gil/Corey Clark/Matt Rogers/Scott Savol/Kevin Covais/Brittenum Twin. Yes, I really do remember them all. I have a BLOG about this show. I spend hours writing about it. This shouldn’t be shocking.

Who do I like? Let’s see. The Indian brother and sister are very cute—that’ll be fun to watch. That Boy Band Beat Boxer? He’s good, but not great. Thomas (the cute one with the mushroom-y hair? First one through to Hollywood? Wore a sport coat?) has a smooth voice. Like Buttah.

There, I’ve come up with a positive about the three hours I just spent watching (and then typing) about Seattle. Thank goodness next week’s shows are one hour each.

Damn. I have "Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me?" in my head now.