Idol Chatter from the good doctor

So, I had the thought that these audition shows appeal to the same part of humanity that enjoys watching "Cops." Without openly betraying my feelings about "Cops" (I hate it--go ahead, let me have it Mother!), I have a few thoughts about that notion.

Just like we watch officers dealing with the seemingly most unintelligent members of our race, we watch judges dealing with similarly "challenged" people fight against all that is within the realm of common sense.

Officer: Excuse me sir. Do you understand that possession of an illicit substance is a felony in this state?

"Brain Surgeon": (obviously stoned) Dude, uh, like, uh. What did you say again? Like, I'm so wasted I couldn't hear you.

Officer: No, I will not repeat the question. I'm taking you in.

BS: Dude, like, can I take one more hit before we go. My buzz is wearing off.

Officer: Are you serious?

At this point, Dr. THC makes a mad dash for it, not realizing that he's about to be clobbered by the seven other officers that show up (not for backup, but to be on the camera). Our "hero" is beaten to a pulp, and the viewers say, "Ouch! He's so stupid."

How about an A.I. equivalent.

Randy: Dude, like, Dog. Damn! Like, Dog. What the hell was that?

Melodious Mel: Is that good?

Simon: Oh bloody hell! Off you go.

Mel: So, can I go to Hollywood.

Simon: If I were the ticket agent, I'd sooner give you the kidney I didn't give to my brother--who I detest--than give you any way to get within 100 miles of this competition again.

Mel: Go back to England, 'cause, um, no one, um . . . [cue crickets--Paula yawns, Randy looks puzzled] no one . . . [cue time lapse sunset] no one likes you. [he smiles]

Simon: We've got another brilliant one here.

And we all think the same thing: "Wow! He's not too bright." And then we keep on watching.

Even though we all enjoy the terrible auditions on some level, once I get watching the Hollywood weeks and beyond, I feel so much better. It would be something like putting on an old episode of "Hill Street Blues" to chase away the feeling that I took a double-digit hit to my I.Q. by watching "Cops." I think it's interesting how Show A is something I can never bring myself to watch, but Show B (Show A, but about music) sucks me in . . . for 2 hours!!! Gotta love "American Idol!"