Taylor Hicks Album Review

We heard good things about Taylor's album, and so we did the natural thing and bought the CD (well, we love music!). We first listened to it later in the evening while we were cleaning with the kids, but even after we lost the concentration necessary to really review this album, we could tell Taylor's offering is among the best of the Idol contestants up until now. You can tell he's been at this performing/recording thing for a while, and you know he figured out his way around the studio pretty quickly.

Before I get too far, the "Do I Make You Proud" / "Takin' It To The Streets"single is sold as a stand-alone CD, and neither song is on his debut album. But don't let that stop you! You can buy both!

The first time through, the tunes seem simple enough, but listening more closely I can tell they are anything but simplistic. And like good ol' Southern Comfort, the music goes down smoothly and gives a little kick (I hear that's how it feels, having never tried it myself!). All in all, from opening drum riff to closing gospel chorus, this is quintessential Taylor Hicks.

1. Runaround: This is a great opening track. It leads with a hard shuffle beat, brings in Taylor's vocals over the top, and quickly gives way to great brass licks and a gospel choir. It's a good one.

2. Dream Myself Awake: This track was written by Rob Thomas and has the kind of chords and lyrics that give it a modern feel, but with Taylor's comfortable vocals and the tune's Southern styling, you'd swear you've heard it somewhere before. And just when I was missing the brass, in comes the horn section with some Chicago-like riffs. Awesome!

3. Heaven Knows: This is a Ray Charles and Smokey Robinson tune with a funky intro. The background horns sound like classic Tower of Power, and you know Taylor was dancin' that microphone stand all around that cramped little studio booth.

4. Gonna Move: The intro to this track screams of Summer nights on a Birmingham porch, and the rest of the song keeps painting the picture from there. Taylor shows off his skills on the "harp," and any recording featuring a group called The Almost Exhausted Tabernacle Choir is aces in my book.

5. Wherever I Lay My Hat (That's My Home): This is a Marvin Gaye song, but Taylor has definitely provided a new take on it. It has a fresh, almost 90s Sting-like quality to the background arrangement. Bonus: you get the classic, raspy vocals we're used to hearing from Taylor.

6. Give Me Tonight: This track gives off a definite funk vibe. It reminds me of the great funk/rock/soul type tunes of the 80s. At one point I was getting ready for Axel Foley to jump out and shove a banana in somebody's tailpipe. Wait! I'd swear some of these riffs are straight out of the soundtrack from "The Karate Kid." Great tune!

7. Just To Feel That Way: This next song has nice 12/8 rhythm that has become so popular lately. Taylor gets to show off his (not seen enough) softer side, but he maintains that typical edge to his vocals.

8. The Maze: This is another one of those "comfortable" rock tunes with a modern feel, but it's not the best on the album in my opinion. It is still a good song, though.

9. Places I've Been: Here is the requisite Diane Warren tune. I guess you need one like this since "Do I Make You Proud" is nowhere to be seen on the album. "Places I've Been" sounds like the American Idol, and if Taylor hadn't recorded it, someone from the show would have this year.

10. Soul Thing: This track is a Hicks original and is my favorite by far. I remember hearing it on his old website before we even knew he was in the Top 12. Somebody was circulating it well before the finals. It has a great feel, plenty of soul, a fantastic back beat, and a wonderful chorus. The lyrics and the style are definitely from the South, and Taylor sounds perfect on it.

11. The Deal: This one is also written by Mr. Hicks and is another great showing from the soul man. In the right style. Just right.

12. The Right Place: This final track is written by Bryan Adams and like so many of his songs, it is a great tune. We get to see the softer side of Taylor again, but he will still bring the Hicks intensity, especially at the end. "You've come to the right place, baby"

My favorite tracks on the album are "Soul Thing," "Gonna Move," and the rest of the album. Honestly, I can't pick just one third place.

I've gotta say of all the albums put out by American Idols, this is probably my favorite. Admittedly I haven't heard Carrie's (and heard great things about it), but I doubt seriously it would cast much of a shadow on Taylor's. Get it. Listen to it. And even if you are not a member of the Soul Patrol (I wasn't going to say it, but oh well!), you will love this album!

Idol Chatter from the Good Doctor, #3

I had some thoughts about what's coming up in Hollywood, and then realized that Rapine made very similar comments on Boquinha's L.A. post. It is in response to the question, "Where has all the talent gone?" Well, no one really asked me this question, but we've all alluded to the topic in our various audition recaps. I've come up with 5 conceivable reasons (I'm sure there are more) for withholding all of the talent in the first few weeks of American Idol.

1. Suspense. During the auditions, we have probably seen 2 or 3 of every 20 people to get through to Hollywood. And that's on a good week! I wouldn't say that I'm more excited for Hollywood than in past years, but my interest is definitely piqued about all this "mystery talent."

2. Quality. I don't really think this is the reason, but a thought occurred to me recently. What if the talent is starting to thin a touch, and we are actually seeing the best of the auditions. Again, I'm seriously doubtful about this, but I have been less than impressed with much of the talent that has gotten through so far.

3. Sentiment. Remember Melissa McGhee last year? Yeah, didn't think most of you would. She was the first of the Top 12 to go, after she rearranged Stevie Wonder's lyrics just a touch. It wouldn't have been so bad, except that in the video just before she sang, we see the Greatest Performer in the Known Universe (but not the nicest guy) tell a nervous Melissa, "Don't mess up my lyrics. No one changes my lyrics." Even this wouldn't have been her death kiss, but we knew almost nothing about her coming into the final 24 and Top 12. She was really good, and as far as talent goes, I can name at least 3 or 4 finalists that should have gone before her (think "Chicken Little"). But we already saw a lot of some of these people. Now, I'm not saying an extra video montage or a little familiarity with a sob story will make an American Idol, but I wonder how different things would have been for someone like Kellie Pickler if we hadn't been so familiar with her from the start. (Honestly, I don't think the producers care that much about their futures or how much we know them. They really just want the best story to create the best ratings.)

4. Whim. The producers just made it that way. It seemed like a good thing at the time.

5. Mockery. I've said it before and you know it's true. There are a lot of people who only want to see the bad auditions. Put more of them on, and more of these people will watch A.I. (and then keep watching House or whatever else is on after A.I.--we fast forward commercials). And maybe, just maybe some of these people will keep watching in Hollywood, and then the Top 24, and so on.

So, there are my Friday thoughts. It's unlikely I'll do any other productive thinking today, having sacrificed I.Q. points this week in the name of "entertainment." Sometimes I actually feel dumber after watching the audition shows. Thank goodness we all get on this blog and debrief afterwards!

HollyWEIRD is right!!!

Tonight was filled with "UH-UH" s, as it should have been since they only showed us like 3 people who actually made it through!!!!

Panther Boy - UH-UH... I don't know how they kept straight faces as long as they did, I was cracking up from the get go!!! I'm sure Olivia was thinking "What in the @#$% did I get myself into????" She was a very nice judge though!

Lover Boy - UH-UH...

Mariana - UH-UH...Her mom should have given her some more tips, including: If you have to get down on your knees you AREN'T GOING THROUGH!!!!! That was a perfect example of a parent who was a little *too* indulgent of their child's dreams...It makes the fall that much harder!!!

NOTE TO CONTESTANTS: (I think I said this same thing a few episodes ago, but it is the BANE of AI!!!!) They have never Ever EVER EVER let someone go through on a second chance!!! If you can't convince them with your first try, YOU CAN'T CONVINCE THEM!!!! NEVER!!! You'll only embarrass yourself and look like a bigger fool than you already do! Just STOP!!!! Bow out GRACEFULLY!!! (Unless of course you just want to be on TV, then go right ahead...)

Alaina - At last, some potential!!! Or is it just the comparison? The story of her being at the pivotal point of giving up her dream is very touching.

FEMALE TAYLOR HICKS???? UH-UH...

Brandon - ...and here comes some male potential, Finally!!!

2nd chance Brian - We'll see if it works out this time...

Sherman - I loved his terminology: My lady-love, my lady, etc.!! He was so sweet! That was the saddest story ever! I'll admit to shedding a few tears myself... And someone else who can actually sing! Nice of them to show an actual "singer" to us... :)

PDA couple - GAG ME WITH A SPOON UH-UH!!!! Her flirting with Simon *was* pretty funny though...

Eric - No, I've definitely NOT "heard anything like that", as he said! *PLEASE* tell me you really did NOT spend 2 years practicing THAT!!!! I was ROTFL, though, that he practiced with Randy and Paula's "Learn To Sing Like The Stars" - that whole chase scene was too funny!!!

Well, one more audition to go, and then HOPEFULLY we'll start seeing some of the talent, because they've barely shown us the tip of the iceberg so far (at least I hope so!)!!! It seems like in previous years we were at least visually familiar with 1/3 or 1/2 of the Hollywood contestants...definitely not so this time!!!

See ya in Texas... :)

City of Angels (of the Devil!)

Can I just say that tonight I am glad that I can say, "I come from Northern California?" I would rather be a granola-eating (I have some in my cupboard right now), Birkenstock-wearing (I've worn them--they are very comfortable), tree-hugging (it's quite pleasant, actually), liberal-leaning (the older I get . . . ) Northerner than a clueless, delusional show business wannabe, who really comes from some "regular" location like Duluth, but decided to take up the "out-of-work actor" business, mistaking it for glamor. Phew! Got it out of my system! Now I can go on.

But seriously, why is it that L.A. attracts all of the sob stories in life, as if breathing in greenhouse gases continually will make pathetic histories turn around? These are just a few of my (very) random thoughts tonight. But here are my much-anticipated (I'm inflating my ego, A.I. style) "Top 10 Things A.I. Wannabes Should Know: Los Angeles Edition."

10. Do not try and reinvent the wheel. It's round. It rolls. It's worked pretty well for thousands of years. Music still only has 12 notes and you sort of have to keep them in tune when you use them.

9. I look forward to hearing music "fluctuate" and "reverberate" as much as the next guy, but if that's a euphemism for "music that sounds like two cats in heat, clawing each other for hours on end," I'll pass this time 'round. Bringing me to . . .

8. (Why do I bother?) Please, limit your qualifications to one entry, such as "hack" or "delusional wannabe." There isn't enough room on the form to include singer, dancer, songwriter, rapper, actor, choreographer, entertainer, auto mechanic, butler, maitre d'i, news anchor, journalist, communist, generalissimo, large cat, freedom fighter, spinning top, etc., etc., etc.

7. This one's for the parents. I've asked parents in the past to be a bit more truthful with their children, but sparing their feelings by telling your daughter, "You're not T.V. pretty," instead of saying, "I don't know if singing is for you," is not helpful. Bulimia waiting to happen, I'm telling you.

6. I understand it's quite difficult to sing with hardware in your mouth. Oh, that's gold? Then by all means, flash those pearly, er, . . .

5. This is not the American Kennel Club, so pedigree means nothing. I don't care if your mother was in the touring group with Sinatra, Martin, and--on second thought, if any of Dean's friends named "Bruno" or "Vinnie" are here today, we may be able to find you a spot. But sixteen years of training? Are you sure?

4. Today we'll be having a reunion of sorts. We've discovered Ashanti's sister, separated at birth, but displaying the dramatic flair we've come to love. Uncanny, the resemblance.

3. Putting your social life "on hold" for 2 years will help you as much "singing since I was 4." In case you're wondering, that's "not much."

2. Uh, that's a cardboard cutout of Taylor, not the real thing.

1. Being "unique" is actually better than being "x-sentrik." Although, neither one is a great choice.

Bonus thoughts from the Doctor for all of you in the City of Angels, haiku style (were you expecting a limerick?):

Waiting tables is
Not such a bad profession
When you cannot sing!

I actually had a couple of other thoughts (but only one or two) while watching this mind-numbing 60 minutes of "entertainment." Good on ya' to the older gentleman, Sherman Pore, who presented his petitions to "audition" tonight. It was a classy move by A.I. to include him without cynicism, and the judges actually showed some decency and heart. Plus, Sherman was actually in tune, which is more than I can say for thousands of others in L.A. (and elsewhere). Also, I was terribly disappointed in the girl who sang the Michael Buble song, Alaina Alexander. "Feeling Good" is a great song, and I hardly recognized it when she started. I can tell her voice isn't bad, but I really didn't think she was good enough for Hollywood.

So, one more night of auditions. What will San Antonio bring us? Whatever it is, it's almost done!

L.A. Yuck

Okay, I'm going to expedite this, because we've all been tortured enough tonight. Here are a number of disturbing things about tonight's auditions from L.A. :

1. Dancing, Inflatable, Fat Cows

2. Bouncing Bananas

3. A "Panther" Audition (what an entrance, eh?)--Martik Manoukian, nasty!

4. A disturbing guy with oh-so-obvious-and-disturbing hots for Julio Iglesias sing a song in SEVERAL keys . . . AT ONCE!

5. Simon saying what both Mark and I have said in his description of Marianna Riccio (I said it looked like she had an abscess and was opening her mouth for the dentist and Mark said she sounded kind of like Cher).

6. I'm not going to comment on Randy's uttering "1,000 %" again. Nope, not going to do it.

7. Painful pleading--that's just awful to watch! And do these (albeit "foxy") mothers hear themselves?!

8. Another auditioner trying out for a role in the daytime drama "Passions." Honestly, no self respect.

9. Simon sounding surprised that he liked a hottie (Alaina Alexander). "Huh! I really liked her!" I'm with Randy on that one--lots of pitchiness all over the place. Of course YOU like her, Simon, because she's PRETTY. Where's that blindfold?

10. A story of a brutal mother. Let me see if I've got this straight. Phuong Pham's mother sat her down and decided to focus on how her daughter doesn't look like Katharine McPhee?? That was her main concern?? Her mother has seen her sing and dance and decided to focus on her looks?! Yeah, that wasn't MY biggest concern. My first was that she almost passed out with her, "OMG! That's Taylor!" Uh, Phuong? That's a cardboard cut out. My second concern was that her dancing looked like a combination of vomiting, having a bowel movement, and some sort of seizure all at the same time. But yeah, Mom, focus on her looks.

I heard TWO, count 'em, TWO good auditioners tonight and one of them was 64. The other was Brandon Rogers, the cute, likeable back up singer. Paula was giddy and he got a finals prediction from Simon!

His exit had me contemplating the job of the girl in the chair who hands out golden tickets. She must be bored to tears. Or maybe not. Another of the contestant's exits (mainly, scary guy Eric Mueller who trained to Paula and Randy's DVD) made me wonder if the girl in the chair who hands out golden tickets ever fears being attacked.

Brian Miller? The guy who didn't make it past Hollywood in Season 5? Cute boy, Clay-like mannerisms, but I'm not sure he's that unique. I'm glad they let him through, though. You've gotta wonder how some of those ousted from Hollywood feel when they see Kevin Covais on a "Best of Season 5" CD.

And, OMIGOSH, Simon does have a heart! He was very kind to Sherman Pore. And I like Paula--she strikes me as very genuine. That guy was better than many of the auditions we've heard. Truth. Maybe they should do "Elder Idol." He was sweet. Good for him!

But, wait, 21 got through on day 1?!?! And we saw TWO?! I hate audition shows.

Here we go. Day 2.

I guess Paula and Olivia Newton John are getting along since they're sitting together AND talking.

Oh my goodness, it's Ruben (with braces) and sparkly Kimberley Locke and oooh, they're a couple! Oh wait, they're Cavert Carr and Darold Gray! The dating couple from the bus stop! And, holy crap, she's singing "Since You've Been Gone"!?!?!?! I think. And are those "come hither" looks she's giving to Simon or is she twitching?

Today, I take issue with this show. Not because they're mean. Not because they're rude. Because they said "19 more" got golden tickets on Day 2. "19 more??" "19 more?!" "MORE" implies we've seen ANY. SOME.

I hate auditions shows. Next week, San Antonio *wraps it up!* Hallelujah.

Week 3B - Los Angeles

LA - already overpopulated with oddball wannabes, should be a goldmine for weirdos...

Sure enough, the first entry they show us lives up to that premonition...
Eccentric is euphemistically well-named. Peculiar would have worked as well for me, and has the same number of syllables. I guess the millenial fad to be more outrageous than everybody else has not yet found its deserved end.

If Ever He's In My Arms...I'll run away screaming...with my ears covered!

Marianna Riccio's speaking voice suggests she can't manage anything lyrical. Yep.
Apparently she took Paula's and Randy's knee-bending yesterday as the thing to do to make up for it. Beautiful mom, though. Go sponsor mom in a beauty contest. or something.

I can tie my shoes! Let me through!

Alaina Alexander - not good enough for me, but hey, Simon thinks she's hot, and passed over Paula to garner Randy's support. Sneaky, these Brits.

Phuong Pham, or, better, Taylor Fan, or Pong, as Simon calls her - not so much.

Brandon Rogers - pleasant, but a leetle bit pitchy in spots. A welcome relief from prior auditions, but I'm not sure he can go the distance. The ladies will love him, though.

Brian Miller, former contestant - hasn't yet learned not to overpower the song, but has a chance to learn through the season, and is pleasant enough to listen to.

Sherman Pore, whose wife died of cancer - touching, and not at all bad for his age. Many of the younger crowd could learn a lot from him, about many things.

Cavett Carr, or Sparkles, did so poorly with her announcement that there wasn't much hope. Her overt overtures toward Simon were a little scary. I hope Darryl doesn't find out.

Oops. So much for that. Simon ratted her out, to cover his butt in case Darryl was jealous. But he can't sing.

Eric's eyes are too far north, too often, in his pre-audition interview, to suggest any connection with his body sufficient to sing a song. Yep. Apparently his pitch is somewhere up there with whatever his eyes are focused on. Hideous, apparently thanks to an Idol's training course DVD that I won't be buying any time soon.

*Sigh* - I grow weary to the bone of these auditions. The commercials are beginning to signify a dearly welcomed relief. Fortunately, there aren't many more to endure.

The rumor on the news is that Paula's being replaced. Perhaps this explains the frequent additional female judges we've been seeing...?

See you next week...

John

Buhminham

Well, it was an *interesting* evening...

Overall I wasn't as excited about the judges picks as I usually am. I don't know if it was just the people they showed or what. Maybe a bad mood? Who knows...

How about that newlywed with the little girl voice? And Tatiana? Or Bernard the 2nd? (Simon was sure excited about him - that was surprising!) Then there was Big Bird, who was hoping to "overwell" the judges...hmmmm.

The "blue-eyed bombshell" gave a little too much of a "pity-party" story for me.

There was one bright light of the evening... CHRIS SLIGH!!!! Now there was someone to get excited about! I loved that there was a funny contestant who was actually *trying* to be funny (rather than just someone being made fun of....)!!! And I *really* liked his voice. He was definitely my favorite of the night!

If there's one judge you don't want to be missing when you're auditioning, it's Paula...too bad for the Day 2 contestants!!!

H-O-L-Y-H-A-I-R...Need I say more? I did feel bad for her though when she was so sad afterwards. And Simon's "Sorry Vic, it's a no"...good grief, where does he get off calling people nicknames?

Did "Like A Virgin" say she had an "excrordinary voice"? I replayed it three times and that's what I heard! That audition reminded me of a 5 year old's dance recital - she had the exact same moves.

And finally, a shot of Simon going through the wrong door...sweet justice for all the contestants who have done the same thing this season!

Hasta manana... :)

The Answer: 205

The Question: What is the collective I.Q. of the worst people to audition in each of the first 5 audition shows? I'm guessing when all is said and done, we might reach an even 300, but I wouldn't get too excited about it.

Actually, though, this is the first audition show that I've watched and thought (oh so briefly) I could watch a bit more. I guess it's because 15 of the 20 eventual Hollywood-goers came from Day 1, so the second half of the show was pretty much fluff-n-stuff. Things could have been so much worse, that's for sure. The really sad thing is most of my snarky advice comes from one person's audition in particular. It doesn't take a genius to figure out which one it is.

So, without further ado, here are my "Top 10 Things A.I. Wannabes Should Know: Birmingham Edition."

10. The Mayor is here today, but he won't be assigning any more special days to the calendar yet. You have to make the Top 3 for that. Although, "I hereby proclaim today 'Talentless Insane People Day' in Birmingham" has a certain ring to it.

9. The judges are not particularly interested in any "packages" today, total or otherwise. See #5 here and #8 here. You've been warned.

8. On Day 1, the part of Paula Abdul will be played by some woman who overdosed on Peppy Pills and no longer makes any sense. She cannot sit still in her chair and no longer recognizes good intonation (Michael Jackson dude--in tune, Paula says he is not; Seal dude--out of tune, Paula says he is). On Day 2, Paula Abdul has a "family engagement" and will be unavailable to judge until we meet up with her in a future city. We are told we will see a toned down version of Paula, who will then be on Moderately Pleasant Pills.

7. Do I need to remind anyone that Madonna's "Like a Virgin" is not a song that has been successful thus far on American Idol? Keith did that one in a few years ago and I still can't get that image out of my mind--yuck! Honestly, Madonna's vocals on it were only so-so, but it shocked all of us that were used to listening to the messageless "happy" music of the early 80s so much that she pulled it off.

6. David Hasselhoff was crying because he's just a few years too old to compete. The thought going through his head last year as he was watching Taylor was, "I wonder what the age limit is for German Idol. Chicks love me over there!" Apparently old guys can audition in Los Angeles, so be looking for the ol' Knight Rider to show up again!

5. If you have difficulties with your first song, please blame the floor. It's been known to spontaneously ruin the careers of so many A.I. hopefuls in the past. (As an aside, flooring was also responsible for the sudden and tragic downfall of Milli Vanilli, regardless of the dubbed voice theories you may have heard.) It's only been pointed out lately how troublesome the floor can be.

4. Don't be fooled. If the producers ask you for a sob story, do not think of Kellie Pickler last year and think, "Oh, she had that awful life only thought to exist within the world of country music, and they profiled her, and now she's a star!" It might work once or twice, but this year the producers are trying to really get people's hopes up so the fall is so much more devastating.

3. Randy has so little contact with people in the "real world" that his only words of advice or encouragement may be "hot hair." This is honestly supposed to make you feel better about yourself, and you should measure all of you future endeavors against this heartfelt sentiment.

2. Only a few people will be more entertaining than the movie trailer I watched at double speed while fast-forwarding A.I. on my Tivo. It was something with Eddie Murphy and what looked like a skinny man in a fat suit. Do we really need another obnoxious-guy-in-fat-suit-dressed-as-woman movie?

1. When the judges ask you why you are here, just tell them the truth: I want to be on television. Or tell them you don't know why. They seem to like it when their expectations are low, and then you exceed them.

Here is a bonus plea from the Doctor, haiku style (as always):

You're representin'
Southern hospitality
Ruben, where are you?!

Tomorrow's show looks like a good one. I am genuinely excited to see it. It has all the makings of a good audition show: aspiring actors dressed as bananas pretending to be singers, topless gyrations, and lots of golden tickets.

Sweet Home Alabama

11,000 people lined up by 6am and 20 people get through. Wow. Talk about perspective. That is approximately 10,970 very unhappy people, 10 moderately unhappy people (at least they got on television), 16 happy, but annoyed people (they *didn't* get their golden ticket audition on television and you WILL hear about that later), and 4, count 'em, FOUR auditions that we, the viewers and those who vote, got to even SEE. That means that out of 60 minutes of garbage auditions and crap commercials, we got to see, oh, about 6 minutes of talent. And the Mayor of Birmingham.

More fuzzy spots in the crowd. They must've been advertising Chevrolet instead of Ford. Idiots.

So, that's the first time in six seasons that the judges have been welcomed?! Simon looked pleased and cynical as could be.

One of my favorite lines of the evening was "Erika! Erika! ERIKA! Stop singing, Erika! ERIKA! Erika, stop singing. Stop. Stop. Erika. Stop. Erika! Erika! ERIKA! ERIKA! ERIKA! Stop. STOP. Stop. Stop. Erika. Erika. ERIKA. ERIKA! Erika. Stop singing. You've got to . . Erika. ERIKA! You've got to stop singing. Erika. Erika. ERIKA! Erika. ERIKA! ERIKA! You have to shut up!" And now it's echoing in my head. Honestly. Definitely makes you feel less sorry for them. I mean, clearly they're deaf. Or socially retarded and don't understand boundaries. Either one is a definite detriment in a singing competition. Out you go.

My first "LOL" of the evening came from Ryan's oh-so-fake "awwwwwww" at some shed tears. I like Ryan. I really do. And I think he's fantastic. I'm so glad he's the host of this show. He doesn't get on my nerves and I think he's very sweet with the contestants. But, (and again, I refer you to paragraph #1), that's 10,980 "awwwwww"s (those 10 don't know yet that they're on TV so they probably cry, too).

Cute Katie with the weird talking voice but good singing voice who just got married? (Why is Paula kneeling?) When she started pleading, she reminded me of Judy Garland's Dorothy from the "Wizard of Oz" with her desperate plea "Oh no, please! Please don't take Toto! He's a good dog! Please! Oh Antie Em!"

Why can't Paula sit?

Then that skinny girl and her anorexic friend walked off jerking their hips side to side.

Why is Paula giggling?

Bernard Williams II sang and did alright, in my opinion. And in Simon's and Randy's, too. Now, THAT is odd.

Why is Paula touching Randy so much?

So Paula thought he was off-key?? What is going ON with her today??

My 2nd "LOL" of the evening came when they played the Sesame Street Theme to the entrance of Big Bird's cousin, Margaret FOWLer. FOWLer. Need I say more? Oh yes. I do. She's 26, no 30, no 38, no 50! And one of my new favorite Simonisms--"an Easter Bunny nightmare experience." Priceless.

That little montage of golden tickets? Yeah, they couldn't show us more of that and less Big Bird? Grrrrrrrrr.

The girl with the father who caught her stepmomma cheating (twice!) and then shot her and then shot himself and now he's paralyzed and she lives with her grandmama and takes care of him? Well, if that ain't a country song waiting to happen! Yeah right, Simon would've said no to her. Did you see her bouncing up and down? Give me a break.

That 28-year-old guy who sees Christina Aguilera when he looks in the mirror? Yeah, that's Mark's first LOL of the evening. Chris Sligh. He's not very good, but he's very funny.

Why is Paula turning in her seat? And why is she not hearing that this guy IS very off-key??

15 got through on Day 1. Yeah, they'll quickly show you all of them. Did you see them? You see, THAT is also when they show the little Ford (not Chevy) car driving across the screen. What do they have against showing us talent?!?!

Day 2. No Paula.

Long-haired ladies. Nice girl. I *hate* it when Randy tries to over compensate for being a total jackass by cupping his hand around his mouth and yelling insincere niceties to the crying contestants as they exit the room. Does he really think she has "HOT HAIR, THOUGH!"? I HATE that! As if that is going to make up for the missing golden ticket. "Hot hair? Oh, thank you! Yep, all better. Who needs Hollywood? Randy says I have hot hair! I'm like the sweetest girl who's ever auditioned for them and I'm not quite sure what he means since I don't even know that 'hot' has any other meaning besides indicating when the sun beats down on the farm. Momma don't know what he means neither. She shrugged her shoulders and said, 'He didn't e'en touch it! How does he know?' But by golly, Randy thinks my hair is hot. I don't need Hollywood. My life now has meaning." Randy has to be my least favorite judge. Why Paula gets more criticism than he does is beyond me.

What . . . the hell . . . was that? Indeed. Yeah, she's nervous and people tell her she can sing. There you go! But I *love* the southern hospitality montage. "Thank yewww!"

I'm so tired of 1st and last auditions being spotlighted. I know they probably pick who goes in those spots and try to make it look like it's not staged. "Let's see if the last audition of the first day can wow them!" Brandy Peterson did NOT make me feel "shiny and new." She does not make it look like it's fun for a virgin to get touched for the very first time. She makes it look scary. But then again, it's the floor's fault.

FIVE on day 2. FIVE. That's got to be a record low.

Where is Paula?!?!

And now we know more about the role Paula serves--without her, they'd have 24 people after auditions and there'd be no reason for Hollywood.

L.A. looks positively worse than New York, but I love the preview. I'm totally intrigued.

Week 3A - Birmingham

Okay! Pizza's in the oven, and I have a baseless premonition that something wonderful awaits us in tonight's viewing! We shall see...

Ah! seeming to confirm my intuition, we're told that Alabama is home to more finalists than any other state thus far. Onwards, then, to further greatness.

Erica Skye - better than the average initial offerings in other cities, but still dreadfully loud and off-key. Her second effort was actually closer than the judges allowed for, but having made up their minds, they wouldn't relent.

Katie Bernard, whose speaking voice sounds like Howie Mandel's imitation of a little kid, sings quite well enough for a second chance. Paula and Simon seemed to believe it was an affectation she could leave at the door, which disinclined them from passing her. It may well be an affectation she developed at some point in her early life (by listening to Howie Mandell), but I don't think she could possibly drop it at will. We have this year's Kellie Pickler factor.

Tatiana McConnico(?)- very decent sound, but I'd like to hear her carry a note for longer than a few seconds. Still, well worth a ticket and a chance to be heard again.

Diana Walker - too much. 'Nuff said.

Bernard Williams II - I like him! Smoooth! Not off key, per Paula. Perhaps she's having inner ear problems?

Margaret Fowler - took advantage of the 'fowl' in her name to imitate Big Bird? That's the only similarity she had to singing like a canary (a very large one!).

Jamie Lynn Ward - Another Kellie Pickler, accent-wise. A little rough, but she moved my energy. I could see her singing the tracks of a Disney movie. She's gonna have to work hard, though.

Christina Aguilera, er, I mean Chris Sligh - Actually pretty good, though somewhat rough and inconsistent. Not having Jamie's endearing qualities, I wonder what the judges will say? I'm impressed! His humor seems to have served him well. I see him more as entertaining us through the series than having a shot at the finals, but we shall see...

Mmmmm...good pizza! Made with Trader Joe's cornmeal pizza crust, now available separately, and crowned with spaghetti sauce, garlic, black olive tapenade, chicken italian sausage - all from TJ's!

Victoria Watson - seeking an audience for her Rapunzel hair, or a serious entrant? Good intentions, I can see, but a bit church choirish, and giving the impression that she sings for religious reasons - "to lift people up", more than to entertain.

Lakia Hill - Ouch! Save me!

But I do appreciate the citizens' ability to take no for an answer, gracefully.

Nichole Gatzman - A little rough. She might have made it past Paula, had she been there.

'Braggin' Brandy Patterson - they encourage her with a second chance on the carpet, and then wonder why she gets upset? They should have just told her no, period, the first time, and been done with it. The way they led her on was unneccessarily cruel, no matter how much comeuppance she might have had coming. up.

See you in LA!

What I'd Like, But What I Will (Vol. 2)

Here we are going into Week 3 of the auditions and I'm posting my second volume of predictions and wishes. This may become a regular thing, or it may not, but for now here we go again!

What I'd Like

1. In a break from tradition, typical of this sixth season of A.I., Randy elects not to mention his ties to the south as he emerges from his limousine.

2. Not a single person shown on camera mentions anything like:

• I'm unique.
• I can sing and (dance/act/write/juggle/predict future events).
• I'm, like, Paula's biggest fan. I think I love her. (And I hope she'll love me!)
• I'm so @#%! talented that those @#%! judges will see they don't know what the @#%! they're talkin' about. You'll see me on the @#%! TV! (A.I. logo hiding hand gesture)

3. No one will mention "205" in Birmingham.


What I Will

1. An endless string of "205" references. In fact, Ryan already mentioned it in the promo at the end of last Wednesday's show.

2. I will see at least a dozen people mention:

• I'm unique.
• I'm a multi-, um, multi-, um . . . "multiple personality" performer. I can do it all. (Number 5 from my Big Crapple post is a repeated warning.)
• I love you, Paula! Look, I can sing "Straight Up" and dance like you do in the video. No, stop laughing, look. I'm doing it for real!
• @#%! (A.I. Logo) @#%! (A.I. Logo), etc., etc., etc.

3. Randy will tell us at least 15 times that "his" South is representin'/disappointin'/livin' large/eatin' big/gettin' crazy/dude, like, dawg, um, damn!

I can't wait to see which list is correct. I think we all know how it turns out.

P.S. I didn't even mention L.A. in this list. I just don't see how it's that exciting to get a golden ticket in L.A. to go to Hollywood.

"Dude! Welcome to Hollywood!"

"I already live here."

"Well, welcome anyway."

"Do I really need a ticket, or can I just take a cab?"