Auditions from Hell, er, Minneapolis

It's a good thing I know how it all ends, because audition shows are awful! Is it me, or have they found new and more impressive ways to hide virtually all of the talented people and convince me that I actually enjoy watching people embarrass themselves? I will probably just copy and paste this post after each audition show to save time, but still capture the essence of A.I. auditions. These shows are a lot like preseason football games. Rest your starters so they don't get hurt, and let all the people will little to no chance of making it have a go in front of the cameras. Yeah, preseason football isn't all that great either.

OK, if I had the chance to go back in time, fly to Minneapolis, and post my "Top 10 Things A.I. Wannabes Should Know," here is what I'd say.

10. Just because you've seen every episode of American Idol, Pop Idol, Canadian Idol, Australian Idol, Shower Idol, Office Idol, or ___________ (fill in popular singing location) Idol, it doesn't mean that you are qualified to be the next American Idol--singing talent is not optional.

9. Ladies, if you haven't figured it out by now, here's your last heads-up: you'll score points with Simon with a little cleavage, and he will say things like "the public will love you" and "you look great" and "I'm sure you'll sound better in Hollywood, so I'll give you a chance." Sad, but 100% true. He's rich, famous, and a dirty old man.

8. Hey! You over there! Yeah, the one that looks like Apollo Creed. Here is what I want you to say to everyone. "If you have anything with you that you would consider a 'costume,' a 'prop,' or 'my passion in life,' then leave them at the door now. This will not enhance your chance of getting the golden ticket, and you will be made to look a fool. You will be recognized nationally, but somewhere between 'picture on a milk carton' and 'stupid human tricks' famous." Seriously. Say it.

7. Don't take anything the judges say seriously, good or bad. They change their minds frequently and their opinions are extremely unpredictable. Remember, they are T.V. personalities and not gods.

6. Do not expect Paula to say much today. The other judges hardly mention her, and she seems like she's either drunk or on some new medication regimen today. Wait until you see her interview on YouTube in a few months!

5. I'm not sure why Jewel is here, but I think it is so we can have some real drama behind that first audition of the year (Jewel is my idol. I can't believe I'm singing for you. I'll sing one of your songs to prove it. etc., etc.). You probably will not remember much of what she says today, but she is nicer than the boys.

4. One quick way to get a "no" is to sing a song made famous by a former A.I. winner or contestant. None of you will compare to Kelly, Ruben, Clay, Fantasia, Carrie, Bo, or Taylor right now. Also off limits are famous contestants such as Katherine, Chris, and Constantine. I can keep listing people to avoid imitating, but if you haven't figured it out by now you'll figure it out soon.

3. The producers have a quota of terrible auditions to fill today to make the audition show actually last 2 hours on television, so being selected to sing for the judges means you are either really good or really bad. William Hung is an anomaly, and we have new ways to prevent future stardom for mediocre talent. Just so you know, I watched all 2 hours of the show and I only remember a few people being let through. That means I watched about 1 hour and 45 minutes of bad television. Good luck!

2. Today Randy is a Simon wannabe, so he will be rude, obnoxious, mean, and make little sense much of the time. Plus, since he's American, his attitude just makes him an "angry Yank," with only half the charm of the Brit. If you want to catch up with him in another city at another audition you may have better luck.

1. If you haven't seen the show, and you are going to sing a song about people falling asleep and never waking up because you have some sort of sick vendetta against them, you will not make it, and should probably go home before you get the chance to make a fool of yourself. Although, if you do not have a broadcast television at home, you may not see how it gets shown on the air, so maybe it's not too bad after all.

Here is one last piece of advice from the Doctor for all you Minnesotans auditioning today, haiku style.

When they say good-bye,
And say, "Singing's not for you."
Please, use the RIGHT door!

I'm really excited about Seattle! On the late night shows for a while all of the Judges, and Ryan, have been talking about how bad it was. Tonight's promo doesn't make tomorrow's show sound any better. When do they get to Hollywood?