HollyWEIRD is right!!!

Tonight was filled with "UH-UH" s, as it should have been since they only showed us like 3 people who actually made it through!!!!

Panther Boy - UH-UH... I don't know how they kept straight faces as long as they did, I was cracking up from the get go!!! I'm sure Olivia was thinking "What in the @#$% did I get myself into????" She was a very nice judge though!

Lover Boy - UH-UH...

Mariana - UH-UH...Her mom should have given her some more tips, including: If you have to get down on your knees you AREN'T GOING THROUGH!!!!! That was a perfect example of a parent who was a little *too* indulgent of their child's dreams...It makes the fall that much harder!!!

NOTE TO CONTESTANTS: (I think I said this same thing a few episodes ago, but it is the BANE of AI!!!!) They have never Ever EVER EVER let someone go through on a second chance!!! If you can't convince them with your first try, YOU CAN'T CONVINCE THEM!!!! NEVER!!! You'll only embarrass yourself and look like a bigger fool than you already do! Just STOP!!!! Bow out GRACEFULLY!!! (Unless of course you just want to be on TV, then go right ahead...)

Alaina - At last, some potential!!! Or is it just the comparison? The story of her being at the pivotal point of giving up her dream is very touching.

FEMALE TAYLOR HICKS???? UH-UH...

Brandon - ...and here comes some male potential, Finally!!!

2nd chance Brian - We'll see if it works out this time...

Sherman - I loved his terminology: My lady-love, my lady, etc.!! He was so sweet! That was the saddest story ever! I'll admit to shedding a few tears myself... And someone else who can actually sing! Nice of them to show an actual "singer" to us... :)

PDA couple - GAG ME WITH A SPOON UH-UH!!!! Her flirting with Simon *was* pretty funny though...

Eric - No, I've definitely NOT "heard anything like that", as he said! *PLEASE* tell me you really did NOT spend 2 years practicing THAT!!!! I was ROTFL, though, that he practiced with Randy and Paula's "Learn To Sing Like The Stars" - that whole chase scene was too funny!!!

Well, one more audition to go, and then HOPEFULLY we'll start seeing some of the talent, because they've barely shown us the tip of the iceberg so far (at least I hope so!)!!! It seems like in previous years we were at least visually familiar with 1/3 or 1/2 of the Hollywood contestants...definitely not so this time!!!

See ya in Texas... :)

City of Angels (of the Devil!)

Can I just say that tonight I am glad that I can say, "I come from Northern California?" I would rather be a granola-eating (I have some in my cupboard right now), Birkenstock-wearing (I've worn them--they are very comfortable), tree-hugging (it's quite pleasant, actually), liberal-leaning (the older I get . . . ) Northerner than a clueless, delusional show business wannabe, who really comes from some "regular" location like Duluth, but decided to take up the "out-of-work actor" business, mistaking it for glamor. Phew! Got it out of my system! Now I can go on.

But seriously, why is it that L.A. attracts all of the sob stories in life, as if breathing in greenhouse gases continually will make pathetic histories turn around? These are just a few of my (very) random thoughts tonight. But here are my much-anticipated (I'm inflating my ego, A.I. style) "Top 10 Things A.I. Wannabes Should Know: Los Angeles Edition."

10. Do not try and reinvent the wheel. It's round. It rolls. It's worked pretty well for thousands of years. Music still only has 12 notes and you sort of have to keep them in tune when you use them.

9. I look forward to hearing music "fluctuate" and "reverberate" as much as the next guy, but if that's a euphemism for "music that sounds like two cats in heat, clawing each other for hours on end," I'll pass this time 'round. Bringing me to . . .

8. (Why do I bother?) Please, limit your qualifications to one entry, such as "hack" or "delusional wannabe." There isn't enough room on the form to include singer, dancer, songwriter, rapper, actor, choreographer, entertainer, auto mechanic, butler, maitre d'i, news anchor, journalist, communist, generalissimo, large cat, freedom fighter, spinning top, etc., etc., etc.

7. This one's for the parents. I've asked parents in the past to be a bit more truthful with their children, but sparing their feelings by telling your daughter, "You're not T.V. pretty," instead of saying, "I don't know if singing is for you," is not helpful. Bulimia waiting to happen, I'm telling you.

6. I understand it's quite difficult to sing with hardware in your mouth. Oh, that's gold? Then by all means, flash those pearly, er, . . .

5. This is not the American Kennel Club, so pedigree means nothing. I don't care if your mother was in the touring group with Sinatra, Martin, and--on second thought, if any of Dean's friends named "Bruno" or "Vinnie" are here today, we may be able to find you a spot. But sixteen years of training? Are you sure?

4. Today we'll be having a reunion of sorts. We've discovered Ashanti's sister, separated at birth, but displaying the dramatic flair we've come to love. Uncanny, the resemblance.

3. Putting your social life "on hold" for 2 years will help you as much "singing since I was 4." In case you're wondering, that's "not much."

2. Uh, that's a cardboard cutout of Taylor, not the real thing.

1. Being "unique" is actually better than being "x-sentrik." Although, neither one is a great choice.

Bonus thoughts from the Doctor for all of you in the City of Angels, haiku style (were you expecting a limerick?):

Waiting tables is
Not such a bad profession
When you cannot sing!

I actually had a couple of other thoughts (but only one or two) while watching this mind-numbing 60 minutes of "entertainment." Good on ya' to the older gentleman, Sherman Pore, who presented his petitions to "audition" tonight. It was a classy move by A.I. to include him without cynicism, and the judges actually showed some decency and heart. Plus, Sherman was actually in tune, which is more than I can say for thousands of others in L.A. (and elsewhere). Also, I was terribly disappointed in the girl who sang the Michael Buble song, Alaina Alexander. "Feeling Good" is a great song, and I hardly recognized it when she started. I can tell her voice isn't bad, but I really didn't think she was good enough for Hollywood.

So, one more night of auditions. What will San Antonio bring us? Whatever it is, it's almost done!

L.A. Yuck

Okay, I'm going to expedite this, because we've all been tortured enough tonight. Here are a number of disturbing things about tonight's auditions from L.A. :

1. Dancing, Inflatable, Fat Cows

2. Bouncing Bananas

3. A "Panther" Audition (what an entrance, eh?)--Martik Manoukian, nasty!

4. A disturbing guy with oh-so-obvious-and-disturbing hots for Julio Iglesias sing a song in SEVERAL keys . . . AT ONCE!

5. Simon saying what both Mark and I have said in his description of Marianna Riccio (I said it looked like she had an abscess and was opening her mouth for the dentist and Mark said she sounded kind of like Cher).

6. I'm not going to comment on Randy's uttering "1,000 %" again. Nope, not going to do it.

7. Painful pleading--that's just awful to watch! And do these (albeit "foxy") mothers hear themselves?!

8. Another auditioner trying out for a role in the daytime drama "Passions." Honestly, no self respect.

9. Simon sounding surprised that he liked a hottie (Alaina Alexander). "Huh! I really liked her!" I'm with Randy on that one--lots of pitchiness all over the place. Of course YOU like her, Simon, because she's PRETTY. Where's that blindfold?

10. A story of a brutal mother. Let me see if I've got this straight. Phuong Pham's mother sat her down and decided to focus on how her daughter doesn't look like Katharine McPhee?? That was her main concern?? Her mother has seen her sing and dance and decided to focus on her looks?! Yeah, that wasn't MY biggest concern. My first was that she almost passed out with her, "OMG! That's Taylor!" Uh, Phuong? That's a cardboard cut out. My second concern was that her dancing looked like a combination of vomiting, having a bowel movement, and some sort of seizure all at the same time. But yeah, Mom, focus on her looks.

I heard TWO, count 'em, TWO good auditioners tonight and one of them was 64. The other was Brandon Rogers, the cute, likeable back up singer. Paula was giddy and he got a finals prediction from Simon!

His exit had me contemplating the job of the girl in the chair who hands out golden tickets. She must be bored to tears. Or maybe not. Another of the contestant's exits (mainly, scary guy Eric Mueller who trained to Paula and Randy's DVD) made me wonder if the girl in the chair who hands out golden tickets ever fears being attacked.

Brian Miller? The guy who didn't make it past Hollywood in Season 5? Cute boy, Clay-like mannerisms, but I'm not sure he's that unique. I'm glad they let him through, though. You've gotta wonder how some of those ousted from Hollywood feel when they see Kevin Covais on a "Best of Season 5" CD.

And, OMIGOSH, Simon does have a heart! He was very kind to Sherman Pore. And I like Paula--she strikes me as very genuine. That guy was better than many of the auditions we've heard. Truth. Maybe they should do "Elder Idol." He was sweet. Good for him!

But, wait, 21 got through on day 1?!?! And we saw TWO?! I hate audition shows.

Here we go. Day 2.

I guess Paula and Olivia Newton John are getting along since they're sitting together AND talking.

Oh my goodness, it's Ruben (with braces) and sparkly Kimberley Locke and oooh, they're a couple! Oh wait, they're Cavert Carr and Darold Gray! The dating couple from the bus stop! And, holy crap, she's singing "Since You've Been Gone"!?!?!?! I think. And are those "come hither" looks she's giving to Simon or is she twitching?

Today, I take issue with this show. Not because they're mean. Not because they're rude. Because they said "19 more" got golden tickets on Day 2. "19 more??" "19 more?!" "MORE" implies we've seen ANY. SOME.

I hate auditions shows. Next week, San Antonio *wraps it up!* Hallelujah.

Week 3B - Los Angeles

LA - already overpopulated with oddball wannabes, should be a goldmine for weirdos...

Sure enough, the first entry they show us lives up to that premonition...
Eccentric is euphemistically well-named. Peculiar would have worked as well for me, and has the same number of syllables. I guess the millenial fad to be more outrageous than everybody else has not yet found its deserved end.

If Ever He's In My Arms...I'll run away screaming...with my ears covered!

Marianna Riccio's speaking voice suggests she can't manage anything lyrical. Yep.
Apparently she took Paula's and Randy's knee-bending yesterday as the thing to do to make up for it. Beautiful mom, though. Go sponsor mom in a beauty contest. or something.

I can tie my shoes! Let me through!

Alaina Alexander - not good enough for me, but hey, Simon thinks she's hot, and passed over Paula to garner Randy's support. Sneaky, these Brits.

Phuong Pham, or, better, Taylor Fan, or Pong, as Simon calls her - not so much.

Brandon Rogers - pleasant, but a leetle bit pitchy in spots. A welcome relief from prior auditions, but I'm not sure he can go the distance. The ladies will love him, though.

Brian Miller, former contestant - hasn't yet learned not to overpower the song, but has a chance to learn through the season, and is pleasant enough to listen to.

Sherman Pore, whose wife died of cancer - touching, and not at all bad for his age. Many of the younger crowd could learn a lot from him, about many things.

Cavett Carr, or Sparkles, did so poorly with her announcement that there wasn't much hope. Her overt overtures toward Simon were a little scary. I hope Darryl doesn't find out.

Oops. So much for that. Simon ratted her out, to cover his butt in case Darryl was jealous. But he can't sing.

Eric's eyes are too far north, too often, in his pre-audition interview, to suggest any connection with his body sufficient to sing a song. Yep. Apparently his pitch is somewhere up there with whatever his eyes are focused on. Hideous, apparently thanks to an Idol's training course DVD that I won't be buying any time soon.

*Sigh* - I grow weary to the bone of these auditions. The commercials are beginning to signify a dearly welcomed relief. Fortunately, there aren't many more to endure.

The rumor on the news is that Paula's being replaced. Perhaps this explains the frequent additional female judges we've been seeing...?

See you next week...

John