FIVE hours of AI this week!!

WOOHOO! I. Am. So. Excited. FIVE hours of GOOD American Idol! GOOD American Idol. Hopefully GREAT American Idol! We don't even know the top 24 that well, so we're open to those WOW moments (like when Clay auditioned and sang his wild card song "Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me" or when MY BOY ELLIOTT YAMIN sang "Moody's Mood For Love" or when Nikko sang "Georgia"). I'm SO excited!!

I'm amazed how many people on the web already have very clear favorites (Melinda Doolittle, Sanjaya Malakar, Chris Sligh, Sundance Head, etc.), but what's fun about this is that of course we have our eyes on these people, but it's the ones you don't know so well that often surprise and wow us, too! I. Am. So. Excited. Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

The top 12 guys perform on Tuesday. The top 12 girls perform on Wednesday. Results show Thursday. I'm a big fan of this show. The word "fan" is short for "fanatic." The word "fanatic" is defined as "a person marked or motivated by an extreme, unreasoning enthusiasm, as for a cause." (http://www.answers.com/fanatic&r=67). I think that means I'm crazy. I'm okay with that.

The irony isn't lost on me

Darn it. The two contestants that got second chances may have been booted after all that. Akron and Ashlyn. Darn. Darn darn darn.

The article is here. Apparently he smoked pot and she poured sugar in her boyfriend's gas tank . . .

Saint Anthony, Saint Anthony

Everything's bigger in Texas. Well, as much as I've griped about audition shows, I must say that THIS one got BIG laughs out of me and has been my favorite so far. I haven't laughed this hard during an American Idol show in I don't know how long. Thank you, San Antonio!

So, Wedding Singer Haley Scarnato started us off. Of course, breaking with tradition, they have her walk up and shake hands with the judges. Why? Because they decided to show some good southern manners? No! That was clear when those two full-of-themselves buffoons couldn't contain their laughter during most of the auditions. Everyone who's always criticizing Paula needs to think long and hard about their opinions. She is the only one with class and couth. I like Paula. Those men get positively giddy when they're wrapping up their audition tour. Just in time to get grumpy for Hollywood. But I digress. Why did they have Haley walk up to the judges' table? So we could see Simon ogle the low-cut back of her black pantsuit on her way back to the wooden stage. Dirty old man. And then she sang and when she was done, he couldn't take it anymore and actually said, "Off you go!" so he could ogle her again!

Why did Randy have to think about whether or not to let her through after Simon and Paula had already said yes? What was there to think about? Even a no wouldn't have stopped her from getting a golden ticket, Dawg.

Two stupid things to do in an audition:

1. Walk in frowning.
2. Not sing well.

Two stupid things to say in an audition (boy, these are old):

1. "You're entitled to your opinion." I mean, really. No one has anything more original than that by now?
2. "What do YOU do?" Uh, honey I think he's a judge on American Idol. How did you not know that?

But then again, maybe she's right. And maybe Simon really should go back to British.

Moving on.

Baylie Brown. City girl stuck in the country town of Krum, TX. Ain't it sweet that she gets to go to the big city. She cute and commercial with a capital "C." I know they say that's a good thing, but it always seems like a very shallow NOT good thing to me. She does have a good name, I agree. Heck, Paula wants to change her name to Baylie. And she sounds better than Kellie Pickler.

Randy paused AGAIN! Why? He's not used to that 3rd spot. Apparently when Simon has jet lag he has to sit in Randy's chair?

And would it kill them to put a damn sign on the door? Cute clip. I love it.

Okay, so the funny parts are coming up. Starting with the cousins. I love them! William Green (ha!), the trash-talking Hulk. We watched that THREE times, laughing out loud every time. Now why don't they show more of that and less stupid stuff? THAT was priceless. And the Hulk's cousin, Akron Watson. Wow! I'm so glad they let him through. He's cute, sings well, and is a lot more fun than they saw right away. We like the cousins.

Music teacher Sandie Chavez. Yikes. I'm not going to say anything more than, "Read Mark's post." From his comments during her performance, I'm sure he's got something good to share.

Ashlyn Carr. She is REALLY pretty! And she sounds good! Awwww, I wish they'd give her that advice and put her through. Too bad. Oh wait! Oh good! She's through! So aside from her being let through to Hollywood (and I love that they chased her down and gave her a second chance--I disliked Simon's puppe . . . I mean Randy's stupid switch up with her. Oh, look at that. He likes her now. What a shocker.), my FAVORITE part of her audition and my BIGGEST laugh of the show (and oh, how I wish I could post a clip) was when Simon sat back in his chair and rubbed his breasts over and over again while he said, "You have some very, very bad habits." ROTFL! That scene right there is every blogger's dream. Yes, Ashlyn, you sometimes scrunch up your nose and smile when you sing (rub, rub, rub). I, on the other hand, don't EVER do that (rub, rub, rub). You've really got to work on those bad habits (rub, rub, rub). It's distracting (rub, rub, rub). ROTFL! I wonder if she was uncomfortable. I would've been if I hadn't been laughing so hard and rewinding to see if I really had seen what I thought I had. Yep. Rub, rub, rub. Yes indeed.

I found Jacob Tutor (the "snake") completely disturbing in that little room where they like to videotape them talking and dancing. Yikes. I had a visceral reaction. Total nausea. I don't remember much of his singing . . . something about dark hallways or bedrooms? And all the judges can (Blue American Idol Sign) *$#%@*) @#)$*@#)$* @#$*&%$.

Jimmy McNeal is a "fun, little Ruben when he used to smile." Yes, Cupid, fling your arrow. Nice job, Jimmy.

And tomorrow. Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. "Best of the Rest" to me would indicate GOOD auditions. Great maybe. But apparently we have to mire through more crap garbage to hear the good stuff. Wouldn't it be fun if this year they were to profile, at least in part, everyone who's going to Hollywood and then on further? Sigh. Tune in tomorrow for more good and torturous auditions. I can hardly wait.

Samson?

Did Sean Michel get disqualified for not cutting his hair and shaving his beard? Rumor has it . . .

http://www.realitytvmagazine.com/blog/2007/02/american_idol_r.html

Various and Sundry

So, here's some AI gossip that might interest one and all. Oh, but first. Have I mentioned "THANK GOODNESS Hollywood starts this week!"? Ah, Hollywood. I remember that's where it really started to be all the more obvious that ELLIOTT was a leader among the masses. Remember when Elliott Yamin was up against that pushy, obnoxious Brittenum twin and a couple of other guys? And the twin fudged the lyrics and then gave a big, huge speech saying that he sang better than the others and that it's their fault he didn't do well because they didn't want to rehearse? And then Randy said something like, "Dawg, you wanna know who sang the best? That boy right there!" and he pointed to Elliott who humbly smiled and bowed like he does and went on to the fame he deserves (not enough fame--yet, in my opinion). I *love* Elliott!

Anyway, on to the gossip! I've got information about AI Alums and current contestants.

AI Alumni News

Chris Daughtry tells his fans to "Get over it." I'm happy for him and I really like him, so I mean this sincerely and not as a slam--I hope his marriage is really solid. His wife championing his cause was so heartwarming (I shed a tear) and with the schedule he must keep, I really do hope his marriage and family are solid. I imagine that it must be difficult to have that kind of success and schedule with both his career and his home life.

Katharine McPhee is savouring her success and appearing on magazine covers! She really is so beautiful.

Dreamgirls star Jennifer Hudson blasts 'Idol' as abusive and brainwashing.

Poor Jessica Sierra was being stalked after her stint on American Idol. Her stalker has been arrested.

Current Idol Contestants

Porcelana Patino (think "Rocky"--that girl who worked out and wore REALLY low-riding pants to her audition?) missed her TV airing to be by her dad's side at the hospital after he was involved in a hit-and-run.

Here's a VERY interesting (and perhaps surprising) interview with early favorite Sean Michel (think Fidel Castro)--I highly recommend reading this one!

Jamie Lynn Ward (the 17-year-old who cares for her paralyzed dad who shot her stepmomma when he caught her cheating?) -- apparently her family is speaking out about Jamie's recounting of events (apparently they have a different story) and for bringing up the past in her audition. Geez, I hope she doesn't get grounded.

Chris Sligh, Funny Guy. Here's a link to his blog. And here's a link to his MySpace page -- his music is SO good, much better than his audition. I hope he goes far.

Judges

Paula Abdul is NOT being replaced by Courtney Love -- apparently it was a hoax.

Early Favorites

Here is an article that lists early favorites including Chris Sligh, Sundance Head, Sean Michel, Sanjaya Malakar, Melinda Doolittle, and more. Vote for your favorite! Better yet, I'm making us our own poll! Be looking for it . . . them . . . I'm making several. :P

L.A. Yuck

Okay, I'm going to expedite this, because we've all been tortured enough tonight. Here are a number of disturbing things about tonight's auditions from L.A. :

1. Dancing, Inflatable, Fat Cows

2. Bouncing Bananas

3. A "Panther" Audition (what an entrance, eh?)--Martik Manoukian, nasty!

4. A disturbing guy with oh-so-obvious-and-disturbing hots for Julio Iglesias sing a song in SEVERAL keys . . . AT ONCE!

5. Simon saying what both Mark and I have said in his description of Marianna Riccio (I said it looked like she had an abscess and was opening her mouth for the dentist and Mark said she sounded kind of like Cher).

6. I'm not going to comment on Randy's uttering "1,000 %" again. Nope, not going to do it.

7. Painful pleading--that's just awful to watch! And do these (albeit "foxy") mothers hear themselves?!

8. Another auditioner trying out for a role in the daytime drama "Passions." Honestly, no self respect.

9. Simon sounding surprised that he liked a hottie (Alaina Alexander). "Huh! I really liked her!" I'm with Randy on that one--lots of pitchiness all over the place. Of course YOU like her, Simon, because she's PRETTY. Where's that blindfold?

10. A story of a brutal mother. Let me see if I've got this straight. Phuong Pham's mother sat her down and decided to focus on how her daughter doesn't look like Katharine McPhee?? That was her main concern?? Her mother has seen her sing and dance and decided to focus on her looks?! Yeah, that wasn't MY biggest concern. My first was that she almost passed out with her, "OMG! That's Taylor!" Uh, Phuong? That's a cardboard cut out. My second concern was that her dancing looked like a combination of vomiting, having a bowel movement, and some sort of seizure all at the same time. But yeah, Mom, focus on her looks.

I heard TWO, count 'em, TWO good auditioners tonight and one of them was 64. The other was Brandon Rogers, the cute, likeable back up singer. Paula was giddy and he got a finals prediction from Simon!

His exit had me contemplating the job of the girl in the chair who hands out golden tickets. She must be bored to tears. Or maybe not. Another of the contestant's exits (mainly, scary guy Eric Mueller who trained to Paula and Randy's DVD) made me wonder if the girl in the chair who hands out golden tickets ever fears being attacked.

Brian Miller? The guy who didn't make it past Hollywood in Season 5? Cute boy, Clay-like mannerisms, but I'm not sure he's that unique. I'm glad they let him through, though. You've gotta wonder how some of those ousted from Hollywood feel when they see Kevin Covais on a "Best of Season 5" CD.

And, OMIGOSH, Simon does have a heart! He was very kind to Sherman Pore. And I like Paula--she strikes me as very genuine. That guy was better than many of the auditions we've heard. Truth. Maybe they should do "Elder Idol." He was sweet. Good for him!

But, wait, 21 got through on day 1?!?! And we saw TWO?! I hate audition shows.

Here we go. Day 2.

I guess Paula and Olivia Newton John are getting along since they're sitting together AND talking.

Oh my goodness, it's Ruben (with braces) and sparkly Kimberley Locke and oooh, they're a couple! Oh wait, they're Cavert Carr and Darold Gray! The dating couple from the bus stop! And, holy crap, she's singing "Since You've Been Gone"!?!?!?! I think. And are those "come hither" looks she's giving to Simon or is she twitching?

Today, I take issue with this show. Not because they're mean. Not because they're rude. Because they said "19 more" got golden tickets on Day 2. "19 more??" "19 more?!" "MORE" implies we've seen ANY. SOME.

I hate auditions shows. Next week, San Antonio *wraps it up!* Hallelujah.

Sweet Home Alabama

11,000 people lined up by 6am and 20 people get through. Wow. Talk about perspective. That is approximately 10,970 very unhappy people, 10 moderately unhappy people (at least they got on television), 16 happy, but annoyed people (they *didn't* get their golden ticket audition on television and you WILL hear about that later), and 4, count 'em, FOUR auditions that we, the viewers and those who vote, got to even SEE. That means that out of 60 minutes of garbage auditions and crap commercials, we got to see, oh, about 6 minutes of talent. And the Mayor of Birmingham.

More fuzzy spots in the crowd. They must've been advertising Chevrolet instead of Ford. Idiots.

So, that's the first time in six seasons that the judges have been welcomed?! Simon looked pleased and cynical as could be.

One of my favorite lines of the evening was "Erika! Erika! ERIKA! Stop singing, Erika! ERIKA! Erika, stop singing. Stop. Stop. Erika. Stop. Erika! Erika! ERIKA! ERIKA! ERIKA! Stop. STOP. Stop. Stop. Erika. Erika. ERIKA. ERIKA! Erika. Stop singing. You've got to . . Erika. ERIKA! You've got to stop singing. Erika. Erika. ERIKA! Erika. ERIKA! ERIKA! You have to shut up!" And now it's echoing in my head. Honestly. Definitely makes you feel less sorry for them. I mean, clearly they're deaf. Or socially retarded and don't understand boundaries. Either one is a definite detriment in a singing competition. Out you go.

My first "LOL" of the evening came from Ryan's oh-so-fake "awwwwwww" at some shed tears. I like Ryan. I really do. And I think he's fantastic. I'm so glad he's the host of this show. He doesn't get on my nerves and I think he's very sweet with the contestants. But, (and again, I refer you to paragraph #1), that's 10,980 "awwwwww"s (those 10 don't know yet that they're on TV so they probably cry, too).

Cute Katie with the weird talking voice but good singing voice who just got married? (Why is Paula kneeling?) When she started pleading, she reminded me of Judy Garland's Dorothy from the "Wizard of Oz" with her desperate plea "Oh no, please! Please don't take Toto! He's a good dog! Please! Oh Antie Em!"

Why can't Paula sit?

Then that skinny girl and her anorexic friend walked off jerking their hips side to side.

Why is Paula giggling?

Bernard Williams II sang and did alright, in my opinion. And in Simon's and Randy's, too. Now, THAT is odd.

Why is Paula touching Randy so much?

So Paula thought he was off-key?? What is going ON with her today??

My 2nd "LOL" of the evening came when they played the Sesame Street Theme to the entrance of Big Bird's cousin, Margaret FOWLer. FOWLer. Need I say more? Oh yes. I do. She's 26, no 30, no 38, no 50! And one of my new favorite Simonisms--"an Easter Bunny nightmare experience." Priceless.

That little montage of golden tickets? Yeah, they couldn't show us more of that and less Big Bird? Grrrrrrrrr.

The girl with the father who caught her stepmomma cheating (twice!) and then shot her and then shot himself and now he's paralyzed and she lives with her grandmama and takes care of him? Well, if that ain't a country song waiting to happen! Yeah right, Simon would've said no to her. Did you see her bouncing up and down? Give me a break.

That 28-year-old guy who sees Christina Aguilera when he looks in the mirror? Yeah, that's Mark's first LOL of the evening. Chris Sligh. He's not very good, but he's very funny.

Why is Paula turning in her seat? And why is she not hearing that this guy IS very off-key??

15 got through on Day 1. Yeah, they'll quickly show you all of them. Did you see them? You see, THAT is also when they show the little Ford (not Chevy) car driving across the screen. What do they have against showing us talent?!?!

Day 2. No Paula.

Long-haired ladies. Nice girl. I *hate* it when Randy tries to over compensate for being a total jackass by cupping his hand around his mouth and yelling insincere niceties to the crying contestants as they exit the room. Does he really think she has "HOT HAIR, THOUGH!"? I HATE that! As if that is going to make up for the missing golden ticket. "Hot hair? Oh, thank you! Yep, all better. Who needs Hollywood? Randy says I have hot hair! I'm like the sweetest girl who's ever auditioned for them and I'm not quite sure what he means since I don't even know that 'hot' has any other meaning besides indicating when the sun beats down on the farm. Momma don't know what he means neither. She shrugged her shoulders and said, 'He didn't e'en touch it! How does he know?' But by golly, Randy thinks my hair is hot. I don't need Hollywood. My life now has meaning." Randy has to be my least favorite judge. Why Paula gets more criticism than he does is beyond me.

What . . . the hell . . . was that? Indeed. Yeah, she's nervous and people tell her she can sing. There you go! But I *love* the southern hospitality montage. "Thank yewww!"

I'm so tired of 1st and last auditions being spotlighted. I know they probably pick who goes in those spots and try to make it look like it's not staged. "Let's see if the last audition of the first day can wow them!" Brandy Peterson did NOT make me feel "shiny and new." She does not make it look like it's fun for a virgin to get touched for the very first time. She makes it look scary. But then again, it's the floor's fault.

FIVE on day 2. FIVE. That's got to be a record low.

Where is Paula?!?!

And now we know more about the role Paula serves--without her, they'd have 24 people after auditions and there'd be no reason for Hollywood.

L.A. looks positively worse than New York, but I love the preview. I'm totally intrigued.

The City That Doesn't Sleep . . .

. . . and apparently neither do I. I hate 2-hour audition shows. And yet I sit and blog. This show has a hold on me. Or I'm possessed.

No, I'm not possessed! Ian Benardo (see his shirt?) is possessed. Ian Benardo and his chinchilla (where's PETA when you need them?) and his multiple therapists . . . there's something wrong there. Very wrong. His therapist says he's a superstar. He sings of voices in his head. And he's totally full of himself. Now, those are the kind of bad auditions I can get into!

Sarah with the unsupportive parents. Cute girl. Okay voice. The whole lead up was a little too "reality TV" for me (for those new to my reviews, I don't think of AI as a reality show--it's more of a talent show. I'm being serious.). When she was crying and the cheesy music was playing, despite the lack of roses and candlelight and limos, I had to remind myself that she was in fact *not* a bachelorette rejected on the night of the finale. And the phone call to her dad was pretty anti-climactic. Maybe it was just a Sprint promo. Because, you know, text voting isn't enough.

I hated the "Days Of Our Lives" bit, too. So way over the top. That girl oughta listen to Carol and try out for Broadway, because if her singing doesn't get her on, her dramatic acting and oration will.

The 2 best friends and the beach ball intro? Blech! One of the camera operators clearly knows exactly when to zoom in on dirty-old-man Simon during auditions. He ogled that tall one and the camera zoomed right in on his face, mouth agape, pencil nervously twisting in his hands. Disgusting pig.

Anyway, they're both good. The blonde one reminds me of a girl in our ward (do you know who, people from around here?). I like the taller one better. They're both going through to Hollywood only in part because of their voices. They're pretty. And they're best friends. And Hollywood is spelled D-R-A-M-A. We already have Ryan's foreshadowing, which may or may not mean much, but anyway . . .

Cliff? Mr. "Average Joe?" Yeah, he apparently wandered onto the set of the wrong show. Wrong channel, too. I believe he's looking for that "Beauty and the Geek" show on the WB or whatever it's called now. And note to all contestants trying out: if they actually invite you to sing another song, don't play the harmonica.

Did that really need to be said?

Did you guys catch that quick clip of the guy from Lancaster, PA? I'm not quite sure what color his hair is. What is that . . . electrifying blue? Electrifying green?

Fidel Castro! Oh wait, those are Memphis's notes. (Flip paper).

Kia! Aretha Franklin. Ish. I don't love it, but she's good. And after her audition, I thought the judges had really caught on. THREE of them said "100%" and then Randy Jackson had to say, "1000%." AGAIN. Randy, you can't be 1000 per cent anything. Argh.

Day 2. Crap, there's another hour of this . . . 35 contestants they let through. 35! And in two hours, what do we see?? Chinchillas.

Jenry. I like him! That's some good eye candy with that nice voice. Can I say that about a 16-year-old? Very cute boy with a very nice voice.

By the way, I'm not liking the no-Simon dynamic. I was glad when he arrived, cell phones and all.

Nakia Campbell. HOLY BIPOLAR! She's fun! I like her! What energy! What an entrance! Good for her! YES! She is dancing in the streets and I like it! Go Nakia! Wait. Holy crud. She is off key BADLY when she reins it in. And what a totally different exit. Yikes. Maybe she should see one of Ian's therapists. And not the one who feeds his delusions.

Sarah Cowboy Goldberg. My gosh, I think she's drunk! She knows she can't sing! Is she crazy? No, I think she's drunk! She actually just said, "I don't think you have to sing to be an American Idol." She's drunk. Do you ever wonder about how those people must react when they sober up and watch themselves months later? Drunk on national television. Those people have family and friends and jobs. What's her tomorrow morning going to be like?

And Simon arrives. Hallelujah. New Yore! New Yore!

Jory. She's really good! Who is she? I don't have any indicators on my notes. Oh! The one with the big medallion from Canada (thanks, Mark). ;)

Porcelana. The one who's been working out for a year. She scares me. And when people wear pants that low, it makes me very, very nervous. I think I saw her, um, how do I say this politely? I think I saw a definite division of her posterior. I don't really like her. Maybe SHE is the Brenna Gathers of this season. With a white trash touch of Kim Caldwell. Frightening. In the extreme.

George Michael? Simon Cowell? No, that kid is an Osmond. But scary. A metro-Osmond. He sounds like a woman. A woman who can't stay in tune. That was a very strange thing to watch.

Rachel Zevita. Opera? Rock star? Something tells me she won't make it past Hollywood. This makes you also wonder about all the golden ticket holders. They're watching the show seeing everyone else who has received a golden ticket. Of course, they've already done Hollywood and they know whether or not they're contenders for the top 24. THAT they do once we watch all of this.

Oh, I'm so grateful for lots of commercials and the "fast forward" button on the TiVo remote.

Chris Richardson. I'm not quite sure why the judges got so excited about him. He sang way too fast and he sang a song that Elliott knocked out of the park. He sort of reminds me of Justin Timberlake, I guess. But I don't see what all the fuss is about. He was a bit nasaly and rushed. And he said he was singing a song (no pun intended) "interpretated" by Donny Hathaway. Yeah, I'm not feeling it on that one.

Okay, Nicholas Pedro. The guy who backed out in Hollywood this past season. From Taunton, MA. (Did you catch that, Mom?) I like him. I thought they might not let him through, but he has a nice voice. And being from my home state doesn't hurt.

Isadora. Or Julie. Whatever. What's this show rated? That has got to be the most embarrassing thing I have ever watched on TV. I had a visceral reaction. And not the good kind.

I love that Ryan is the host. "It's been 2 days for us. How many has it been for you?" ROTFL!

35 from New York. 35!! Maybe this year's American Idol will hail from New York. I don't know. Next week it's Birmingham!!

Bo out.

Walking in Memphis

Well at least I have a *good* song in my head tonight. Now, THAT is what I call a GOOD audition show! A few not-so-great performances and a BUNCH of great ones! That's what I like to see!

I'm not sure why I like it so much tonight. It could be that the auditions were MUCH better than the previous week. It could be that it's only a 1-hour show. It could be that they showed a "Shrek the Third" promo. I don't know.

Frank Byers, cheerleader. I predicted the word "cabaret" coming from Simon's mouth. Give me a "C!" . . . at least even the "bad" auditions are good. This is a major step up.

Timika Sims. I didn't understand her either. But I love the slow, hokey music bio! And I'm totally curious to see what Mark's typing right behind me. Mr. Bucky impersonator himself.

Sundance Head. WOW. And Simon doesn't like Taylor, does he?

Another ogling moment. Simon to cute blonde after Randy disses her: "I know what Randy's saying, but (something, something, tone, voice, something), you're cute, Renee Zelweg . . . I mean, Danny! You have a blues-y tone that's unusual for someone your age."

Girl with her breasts falling out, I mean, sunglasses--Did she say that their first impression of her would be that she's "innocent, conservative, and sexy?" How is it possible to be none of those at the same time?

Fidel Castro! WOW! I love his voice! I hope he makes it past Hollywood and into the Top 12 just so the hair and make-up people can have their way with him. I wonder what's under all that hair?!

Back-up singer that looks like a short Jennifer Hudson--very good! Her neck emerges when she sings and goes away when she self-consciously talks, but she's good.

Once more, this time for the benefit of Randy and Simon, you can't be "one million per cent" anything.

Wow, this is so much better than the first week . . .

Stupid montages . . . What the heck is that guy pulling out of his pants?! . . .

And Phil Stacy? The guy who missed the birth of his baby? He DID sound better on the start of the 2nd song. Stupid Simon.

Meet Here After The Show!

It's Tuesday! As always, meet here after the show for hilarious reviews and lots of laughs!

Mid-Season Twist

Hmmmmm, whatever will it be? Is it the song writing competition or something else? Here are some ideas: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/16473839/

American Idol Song Contest

HURRAH! This is fantastic news, especially since Mark's written a song for this year's finale anyway! We've been trying to figure out how to submit it and voila!

American Idol Song Contest

And what a cool story we have--quit residency, write song, enter contest, win contest, pay student loans!

And you thought Minneapolis was bad . . .

I hate audition weeks. Why do I watch these? I sit through hours of crap to see one or two good singers emerge so I know who they are as they compete and so I can say, “I remember their audition.” But oh the torture. I think the audition episodes may well have something to do with my increased anxiety this week. If I were a pill popper, I’d be popping Paxil.

This show has gone too far. They’re totally exploiting people who are mentally and socially retarded. After watching this show, I feel socially retarded.

Let’s begin, shall we? Today’s post will be in the form of cited stupidity and response.

Stupid Move #1: Contestants mouthing off to Simon -- “I don’t see you putting out albums!”

Simon has not ever nor will he ever profess to be a singer or put out an album. So why, oh why, in the name of all that is Idol, do people insist on making asses of themselves with such stupid logic? Note to contestants—you look like fools when you argue that point. He is a “judge,” not a singer. He hasn’t ever said he is a singer. What part do you not understand? Oh and if you’re just that stupid, when have you ever seen mouthing off to the judges help a contestant advance? Particularly a bad singer.


Stupid Move #2: Nicknames that start with “The” end in “-ness”

The Hotness? The Hotness? Let’s see, Preakness . . . Loch Ness . . . yeah, that’s not working for you. On. Oh. So. Many. Levels.


Stupidity #3: Randy and Simon acting like a couple of giggly junior high schoolers at the expense of the contestants.

There are many, many times that the two of them just don’t come across as middle-aged men. “That’s not a compliment.” Ryan seems more mature than the two of them put together.


Stupidity #4, 5, and 6: Leggings. Pink Leggings. Pink Leggings on the arms.

Does this even merit a response?


Stupidity #7: Coworkers who send their ENGINEER colleague from Midvale (which, by the way, isn’t outside the Salt Lake Valley; it’s IN the Salt Lake Valley) to try out without hearing him sing.

Honestly, you’ve gotta wonder at the cruelty of humanity. All humanity. Those who encouraged him. Those who didn’t stop him. Those who sent him to the judges. Those who let him sing and sway on that little stage seemingly endlessly. Those who continued to exploit him by interviewing him and showing more of him. Those who just kept the camera rolling while viewers writhe in utter agony. Did he have gas? Why did he keep jabbing his fist into his left side like that? Awwww, and he thought he was good, too! You feel sorry for the guy. There’s a social disconnect there. So, you know, the show exploits it.


Stupidity #8: Superimposing a British Flag over Simon’s middle finger

That’s just an insult to our friends on the other side of the pond.


Stupidity #9: Making it blatantly obvious who’s going to be in the finale on the 2nd day of auditions. Stupid manufactured “moments”. . .

Like we don’t know that those two awkward geeky boys who “made friends in line” aren’t going to be in the finale. I don’t know how I know this. Maybe I’m psychic. Or maybe, oh, I don’t know . . . maybe it’s the friendship song montage of their hugs and smiles. Or maybe it’s the unending footage of Ryan interviewing them and talking about their “friendship.” Or maybe it’s the clips of them clumsily doing “cool secret guy handshakes.” I’m just not sure how I know.


Stupidity #10: Using hair products as weapons.

Was he going to gel him??


Stupidity #11: Doing aerobics AND sign language while you audition.

That’s jus . . . wait, what? Ohhhhhh, that’s how he sings and dances. Oh, I get it. That was his audition.

THIS IS PAINFUL!! Torturous and painful!! This is an outrage. They are exploiting the mentally deficient and the socially challenged. And they know it. Paula said, “There are troubled people here.” Troubled. They know. I’m not even being funny. I’m totally, 100% (Note to Paula: you can’t be “one million per cent” anything) serious. I worry for those poor kids. After the show. Worse yet, after it airs. Oh, those poor things—it’s just wrong. And they’ll call them BACK. And further exploit them. On the finale.

My face hurts. I don’t know of any other show (and I LOVE this show) that makes my face look grumpy and pained. I’ve found new muscles in my face tonight. We got Tivo because I love and am addicted to this show. Yet during these [superimposed British Flag] audition weeks, I can hardly wait for the green line to move all the way to the right. Then, with sweet relief, we turn off the TV, sigh in relief, and head to our computers to vent away the painful anxiety.

A few more rants, things I’ve noticed, and then the (few) good things. I’m generally a positive person. These audition shows don’t allow much in the way of focusing on the positive. It’s a quantity issue.

I find it highly irritating when the judges’ little immature games, sound effects (were they growling?), pouting, and incessant interrupting cheat contestants out of constructive feedback. I mean, do you want to be taken seriously or not? Don’t answer.

Have you noticed that when a cute boy enters the room, the camera zooms in on Paula’s expectant, happy face as she sits up taller in her seat? Have you noticed that when a cute girl enters the room, the camera zooms in on Simon’s face so we get an up close of his ogling while he chews on a pencil? Dirty old man. Sometimes I don’t like Simon.

I love when Simon utters out loud what I’m (speechlessly) thinking and I don’t even know that I’m thinking it until he says it and I think, “YES! My thoughts exactly!” (Did you follow that?) Phrases like, “What the hell was that?” or “Are you drunk?” Sometimes I really like Simon.

Did you notice that the girl with the cold drank a NON-Coke product? They had to blur out the bastards who didn’t pay for that advertising.

I liked the mother-daughter people. Like “clone people.” Or hobbits. I don’t know what else to call them. But you know exactly who I’m talking about, don’t you? They were very polite. I love that they’re still going to watch and love the show. Good on them. That was refreshing.

How many thousand try out? How many get through? Moral? Singing is a gift. Sometimes meant to be given and shared. Sometimes meant to be kept to yourself. That’s okay.

I predict that the last contestant they let through on the first day in the Emerald City (the Venezuelan guy who had Paula swooning) is going to be the cocky guy contestant this season. He is Season 6’s AJ Gil/Corey Clark/Matt Rogers/Scott Savol/Kevin Covais/Brittenum Twin. Yes, I really do remember them all. I have a BLOG about this show. I spend hours writing about it. This shouldn’t be shocking.

Who do I like? Let’s see. The Indian brother and sister are very cute—that’ll be fun to watch. That Boy Band Beat Boxer? He’s good, but not great. Thomas (the cute one with the mushroom-y hair? First one through to Hollywood? Wore a sport coat?) has a smooth voice. Like Buttah.

There, I’ve come up with a positive about the three hours I just spent watching (and then typing) about Seattle. Thank goodness next week’s shows are one hour each.

Damn. I have "Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me?" in my head now.

WOW! Season 6 of AI has begun . . .

This is the 10th post today. Be sure to scroll down and read all the HILARIOUS and insightful posts. And comment, too! :)

Auditions--Minneapolis, Minnesota

Holy Hell! Did I just watch 2 hours of that?! Where do I start? How about tips for people considering trying out for American Idol?

1. Watch the show (this means you, guy who lives in the woods with no TV).
2. If you're dressed like a boxer, sing like a lion, or juggle while you sing, don't audition. (Sometimes you just know before they even sing a note that they're just not going to make it to Hollywood).
3. If you're the "Biggest Fan," that doesn't mean you can sing.
4. DO NOT, under any circumstances, compare yourself to previous idols. It just makes us roll our eyes sooner.
5. If you're going to wear make up, go easy on the eyes and heavier on the nose blemish. (Did anyone else notice that on that metroish/Matt Damonish 16-year-old whose parents feel he spends too much on choir trips? Isn't that sad?)

Let's see, what else? Who did I like?

1. That Marine guy who won the idol competition on his ship.
2. The Army Reservist girl--cute, spunky, nice voice. Very cute. She looks like my sister-in-law, Emily.
3. The contestant that was born as a "crack baby" -- very cool story for her. Her name is Denise, too. :P

What didn't I like?

RANDY. This is *exactly* what I was talking about in this post. He tries to be like Simon, but he's not. He doesn't know when to stop and his cruelty is brutally worse than Simon's (admittedly often callous) honesty. He was BRUTAL to that vocal teacher. There was no reason for that. The guy wasn't half bad. Randy was WAY over the top. Rude Randy. Rude, rude.

And the girl with the nice boss? The male judges were completely inappropriate. Paula seemed sedated and Jewel seemed nice, but somewhat timid, so there were no females whipping some manners into those men (that would've been fun to watch). And then for them to insinuate the same thing to the boss?? Uncalled for. "Is your wife in Minneapolis?" Give me a break. Honestly.

Oh, oh, and how about the comment to the juggler--telling him to try out for a show called "America's got SOME talent." Rude Randy.

The judges gave next to NO constructive criticism (always a pet peeve of mine, *especially* when the contestants politely ASK for some). And the word "leave" is not helpful, Simon.

Spanish girl? Cute blonde girl? Yeah, I like them okay, but I know why Simon likes them so much. And so does anyone else watching him ogle anything curvaceous that walks in the audition room door. He makes me sick. The Spanish girl looks like his girlfriend. And his reaction to the cute 19-year-old blonde? Totally and disgustingly obvious. "I like how you did that." What does that mean? She was not bad, it's true, but what he's really saying is, "I'm sizing you up and I like how you are cute and attractive and marketable . . . oh yeah and you're not a BAD singer." Pathetic. More than pathetic. Irritating. Beyond irritating. I generally groan out loud when I see him like that. Someone blindfold the man and he won't know how to judge . . .

I like that they do guest judges during auditions rather than during the competition (though I hope they don't do that annoying thing where they feature artists just because they have a new album coming out--I mean what if they stink anyway?).

Two more rants and I'm done for tonight (remember--fun, happy, excited, AI Stacy comes out once they get to Hollywood and the competition).

Did I really just see a little Ford vehicle drive across my screen? These during-the-program promotions get on my nerves in such a big way. Like the big red Coke glasses and Stupid Ford commercials aren't bad enough.

And that promo for Seattle? Which has already been touted all over the web as being the worst city ever? Yeah, I'm not excited. I cannot believe they've chosen THAT city as part of their 2-hour premiere. Have mercy.

First Prince, now the Beatles?!

Well, not the Beatles, but reports have it that they're courting Paul McCartney (and possibly Mariah Carey) to appear on the show!
http://www.cnn.com/2007/SHOWBIZ/TV/01/15/apontv.americanidol.ap/index.html

Was Paula Drunk?

Maybe. Maybe it was medication. Her publicist says it was neither. She was simply "tired." I suppose it could be that, too--I'm thinking that their kind of "tired" goes beyond tired to exhaustion. Either way, here's the clip:

Introducing myself...

Before you begin reading my sometimes short and to the point reviews of the show, which I compose live while watching, you should probably know a little about me.

I'm an amateur composer and musician, myself, and you can listen to some of my music here:
http://music.download.com/everest/

I tend to believe I have a very good idea of what constitutes musical talent, since I play guitar, keyboards and flute, by ear. So, like Bo, I often disagree with Simon. However, since having reluctantly read Simon's book, I Don't Mean to Be Rude, But..., given to me by Bo, I now understand where he's coming from, and gotta give him props for his integrity.

Nonetheless, I listen for the ones that can move me, without making me hold my breath in fear that they'll be pitchy or forget the words. I care much less about how they look or what they wear than Simon or some other contributors here, and I tend not to defend my choices as passionately as some here. Last year I favored Katharine Mcphee through most of the finals, but I didn't yell and scream when she lost.

Aside from Simon's influence on the voting, which I often resent as much as Bo, I am disgusted with the idea of power-voting, and believe the contest would be much more exciting if each caller were allowed only one vote. It is for this reason that I've become more detached than I might otherwise be to the ultimate outcome. I simply refuse to get attached to an outcome that can be so profoundly impacted in a negative way by people who are out to screw up the results by voting for the worst candidates intentionally.

Nonetheless, I've never missed a show, and for the most part I love the way the show is produced. I absolutely love that a talented unknown can make it to the big time with a lot of commitment and hard work over a relatively short but hectic period of intense pressure - kind of like Superman making a diamond from a lump of coal...that always impressed me, too.

See you tomorrow!

The Countdown Begins!

In less than 24 hours, Season 6 of American Idol begins! I have such conflicted feelings about this--on the one hand, I am *SO* excited (just the sounds of those first few monotonous AI theme song notes can put me in a wiggly, giddy, gushing frenzy). On the other hand, we have to endure four weeks of these audition episodes before we get to the fun (well more fun anyway) stuff--the Hollywood Round.

See, this show gets better and better as it gets further into every season of competition. This fluff stuff? I enjoy the first couple weeks of it and then I'm *itching* (like. a. bad. rash.) for the REAL AI stuff. The reason I watch this show. The adrenaline I feel when one of my favorites rocks the house and the cringing I feel when one of my lesser favorites can't quite hit that note. The COMPETITION! The top 12! The theme weeks! The voting! The power dialing! The drama! The eliminations! The crowning of an Idol! THIS is why we watch this show. THIS is what we talk about around our real and/or virtual water coolers.

I know people who claim they only watch the first few weeks of AI because they "love the auditions." WHAT?! Are you kidding me?? It's sooooooooo tedious after about 2 weeks of this to sit through more auditions that make you wonder, "Did they pay that person to sound that bad?" or "Does that kid's mother seriously encourage him to try out?" Weeks of people getting bleeped as they mouth off to the judges or the cameramen or that weird little sounding room where they proclaim with indignant pomposity, "I AM the next American Idol!"

By week 3, I'm starting to twitch. And not in the good way. In the very, very impatient way where I'm slowly starting to writhe and cry out, "Please, 19 Entertainment, PLEASE, for the love of all that is lovely, PLEASE get on with it. We wait patiently from May until January for this frenzy to begin and you torture us for WEEKS until we can actually get to the GOOD stuff. PLEASE no more William Hungs, no more!"

I try to not get annoyed when by week 4 I hear people cheerily (and usually nasally) say, "Aren't these audition weeks the best?!" I restrain myself from slapping them when they say, "I don't even watch after the auditions are over." And Mark generally holds me back from pummeling them to the ground when they say, "I wish they'd do more weeks of auditions and less of the other stuff."

See, this goes beyond addiction. This is an OBSESSION for me. An obsession. I don't answer the phone on Tuesdays or Wednesdays. And when people DO call, I generally curse them for not having their priorities straight. Like I'm seriously going to agree to talk in church when you call me at 8:30 on a Tuesday on Disco night! I don't think so.

And while the obsession steadily grows throughout the season, once we're in the top 24 (and have mercy when we're doing the top 12), I am a total AI fanatic. Fanatic. I talk about it. I read about it. I write about it. I've started this blog, for crying out loud!

I get passionate about those I feel should win (though I'd say that so far, only 2 of my favorites have won). Had America voted more sensibly, the list of winners would look like this:

1. Kelly
2. Clay
3. Fantasia
4. Bo (or Constantine)
5. ELLIOTT!

I get passionate about those who should be booted, too. I hold back NOTHING. I am AI opinionated and have started a blog as my AI soapbox. I have opinions. Drunk, on medication, whatever, I happen to like Paula. Randy is okay, but Randy-trying-to-be-Simon drives me up a wall. Simon? It depends. Generally, I think that musically, Randy and Paula are more spot on than Mr. Cowell. All Simon sees is image. And when he tries to pretend he knows what he's talking about musically, I want to hurl things. Not just at him. But at EVERY MORON IN AMERICA who votes based on what he says. He's like a grand puppeteer. And those morons are moron puppets.

I think I've gotten off topic . . .

Hollywood! Yes, Hollywood. Drama week. Hell week. Whatever they call it. I like it. It's a million times better than auditions. The auditions I watch just the same because heaven forbid you miss a single minute of this show. And, of course, so I can already start forming my opinions and choosing my favorites and think back on the auditions as my favorites continue onward.

And then it's the TOP 24!! And it gets EVEN better. Why? Have you not been paying attention?! Because the competition begins! Live! And because they keep getting better and better contestants (wasn't Season 5 like the BEST ever . . . so far?), the top 24 gets more unnerving each week. (Remember that time they didn't pick Nikko?? And then Mario Vasquez dropped out and Nikko got called back? Yeah, that was awesome. Until the MORONS didn't vote him through after Broadway night! Argh.) Anyway . . . what was I saying? Oh! Competition! Yes.

So, the top 24. Boy, those weeks are great. And then . . . AND THEN . . . AND THEN . . . TOP 12! And theme nights! And the big stage! And the loud band! And I go into full blown CRAZY over this show. I watch. I talk. I rant. I laugh. I cry. I cheer. I write. I blog. I *love* this show. And I love having friends who are crazy enough to admit that they do, too. Let Season 6 begin!!

Oh, here's the schedule (remember, we *love* finding and posting gossip as well as fun reviews--so CHECK HERE OFTEN!):

Tuesday, Jan. 16 (8:00-10:00 PM) Season Premiere, Part 1 Minneapolis Auditions
Wednesday, Jan. 17 (8:00-10:00 PM) Season Premiere, Part 2 Seattle Auditions
Tuesday, Jan. 23 (8:00-9:00 PM) Memphis Auditions
Wednesday, Jan. 24 (9:00-10:00 PM) New York City Auditions
Tuesday, Jan. 30 (8:00-9:00 PM) Birmingham Auditions
Wednesday, Jan. 31 (9:00-10:00 PM) San Antonio Auditions
Tuesday, Feb. 6 (8:00-9:00 PM) Los Angeles Auditions
Wednesday, Feb. 7 (9:00-10:00 PM) Rest of the Best Auditions
Tuesday, Feb. 13 (8:00-9:00 PM) Hollywood Round, Part 1
Wednesday, Feb. 14 (9:00-10:00 PM) Hollywood Round, Part 2 Top 24 Semifinalists Announced
Tuesday, Feb. 20 (8:00-10:00 PM) Top 12 Male Singers Perform
Wednesday, Feb. 21 (8:00-10:00 PM) Top 12 Female Singers Perform
Thursday, Feb. 22 (8:00-9:00 PM) First Results Show (Live ET/Tape-Delayed PT) Two Male and Two Female Contestants Voted Off
Tuesday, Feb. 27 (8:00-9:30 PM) Top 10 Male Singers Perform
Wednesday, Feb. 28 (8:00-9:30 PM) Top 10 Female Singers Perform
Thursday, March 1 (8:00-9:00 PM) Results Show (Live ET/Tape-Delayed PT) Two Male and Two Female Contestants Voted Off
Tuesday, March 6 (8:00-9:00 PM) Top 8 Male Singers Perform
Wednesday, March 7 (8:00-9:00 PM) Top 8 Female Singers Perform
Thursday, March 8 (8:00-9:00 PM) Results Show (Live ET/Tape-Delayed PT) Two Male and Two Female Contestants Voted Off; Top 12 Finalists Revealed
Tuesday, March 13 (8:00-10:00 PM) Top 12 Finalists Perform
Wednesday, March 14 (9:00-9:30 PM) Results Show (Live ET/Tape-Delayed PT) One Contestant Voted Off . . .