Rembember the Alamo?

You know those Pace Picante Sauce commercials where the cowboys talk about this salsa made in San Antonio by folks who know what salsa should taste like, and then the crusty ol' cowboy says "This stuff's made in New York City"? I always think of that when I hear San Antonio. Sad? A bit. But those cowboys had the same reaction to New Yore I did during this year's auditions. But could San Antonio deliver the goods?

From my knowledge of U.S. history, the Battle of the Alamo was an eventual defeat. Granted, all the Americans went down "fightin' like men," but I'm pretty sure if I went to audition, and I remembered the Alamo, I'd fail pretty miserably. But, why shock the world and not mention the Alamo in San Antonio. I'm just surprised a little Alamo rental car logo didn't come flying across the screen at some point, along with that Ford logo. Have you ever noticed how similar the Ford and American Idol symbols are? Hmmmm. OK, enough pointless rambling, on to San Antonio.

This is my last city-specific list, the "Top 10 Things A.I. Wannabes Should Know: San Antonio Edition."

10. Any of you not actually from Texas, but who traveled from distant locations such as South Dakota and South Carolina, will be forced to wear a 10-gallon hat, scream "yee-haw," and then sing "Rawhide," even if you're not in a particularly Rawhide-ish mood. We will air this segment right after talking about the geographically diverse crowd here today.

9. Do not bother dazzling us with the vocal stylings of Billy Idol or Ozzy Osbourne. We will not be impressed, except by your camouflaged pants and proficiency in doing the centipede. Viva les 80s!

8. Simon just paid good money to renew his work visa, and it was a long flight to San Antonio from his home, so in no way will he be inclined to "go back to British." He may be persuaded, however, to visit French, Russian, or Rhodesian just as soon as we finish this season.

7. If your last name matches up perfectly with a well-known superhero (think Incredible Hulk and William Green) you will be invited to meet the judges. It is a bonus if you can provide some "trash talking" to go along with your audition. Not the real kind, because that's old, but the fake stuff is funny!

6. In a break from tradition, we will be encouraging second chances tonight. And this time we mean the good ones, not the "if you're so nervous and your throat is dry and you lost your cuff link and you don't understand my accent and these lyrics are just too hard and according to your horoscope today is not an auspicious time for 'new adventures' so why don't you come back and 'wow' us later" kind of second chances (these are never good). We mean the "we may have made a mistake" kind of second chances Akron Watson and Ashlyn Carr will get today. We do get it right once in a while. (Plus, you don't want to piss off Bruce Banner!)

5. OPEN THE @#$! RIGHT DOOR!!! It was funny in the beginning. I laughed a bit. I even "haikued" about it once or twice, but a montage of left door "openers" is not that funny. Except for the parts where Paula tried to open the left side (think "peppy pills) and where the one girl just blasted straight through. Oh, oh, and when Simon cracked up after opening the wrong door. I take it back--I did get some enjoyment out of some of it. Carry on!

4. Unfortunately Randy left his own opinions back at the hotel with his good shoes. Today he's a follower. A follower usually following the guy from British.

3. It's time for a complex mathematical equation promising great success to those of you who learn it well.

Half-naked = Halfway to Hollywood

Simon will say "yes," and since Randy has no original thought today (reference #4 above), he'll likely provide the other "yes." Welcome to Hollywood!

2. Today the family "legend" will likely end here. Remember that Bigfoot, the Abominable Snowman, and real meat in Taco Bell tacos are also legends. And please don't leave out any of our judges in your articulate, thoughtful, profound, profanity-laden tirade. They start to feel a little hurt if you forget someone.

1. Bucky's cousin. Yes, you. The mumbly one. We let Bucky through last year, but our judges got so tired trying to decipher his secret code that we've decided to prohibit mumbly singing. Sorry. Dryaginnessyeah!

0. (So is this really a Top 11?) Remember, this is the first step of many you'll have to make in order to say "I AM the next American Idol"^TM. In the great words of a 4(?) year-old today: So?

Here is one last geographical haiku from the good doctor:

San Antonio
Remember the Alamo
No syllables left

I am not as excited about the "Best of the Rest" show tomorrow. I foolishly thought this may have included mostly good auditions, but forgot that "best" is an entirely subjective term and the producers of American Idol didn't ask me for my opinion. That's too bad, because one day y'all are gonna see me on TV, and you'll be lookin' the fool when I's the rich one laughin' at all y'all's sorry butts. That's what I'm talkin' about today, fools!

Until tomorrow, adieu!

P.S. How do you like our new banner at the top? You. Move. Me.

Saint Anthony, Saint Anthony

Everything's bigger in Texas. Well, as much as I've griped about audition shows, I must say that THIS one got BIG laughs out of me and has been my favorite so far. I haven't laughed this hard during an American Idol show in I don't know how long. Thank you, San Antonio!

So, Wedding Singer Haley Scarnato started us off. Of course, breaking with tradition, they have her walk up and shake hands with the judges. Why? Because they decided to show some good southern manners? No! That was clear when those two full-of-themselves buffoons couldn't contain their laughter during most of the auditions. Everyone who's always criticizing Paula needs to think long and hard about their opinions. She is the only one with class and couth. I like Paula. Those men get positively giddy when they're wrapping up their audition tour. Just in time to get grumpy for Hollywood. But I digress. Why did they have Haley walk up to the judges' table? So we could see Simon ogle the low-cut back of her black pantsuit on her way back to the wooden stage. Dirty old man. And then she sang and when she was done, he couldn't take it anymore and actually said, "Off you go!" so he could ogle her again!

Why did Randy have to think about whether or not to let her through after Simon and Paula had already said yes? What was there to think about? Even a no wouldn't have stopped her from getting a golden ticket, Dawg.

Two stupid things to do in an audition:

1. Walk in frowning.
2. Not sing well.

Two stupid things to say in an audition (boy, these are old):

1. "You're entitled to your opinion." I mean, really. No one has anything more original than that by now?
2. "What do YOU do?" Uh, honey I think he's a judge on American Idol. How did you not know that?

But then again, maybe she's right. And maybe Simon really should go back to British.

Moving on.

Baylie Brown. City girl stuck in the country town of Krum, TX. Ain't it sweet that she gets to go to the big city. She cute and commercial with a capital "C." I know they say that's a good thing, but it always seems like a very shallow NOT good thing to me. She does have a good name, I agree. Heck, Paula wants to change her name to Baylie. And she sounds better than Kellie Pickler.

Randy paused AGAIN! Why? He's not used to that 3rd spot. Apparently when Simon has jet lag he has to sit in Randy's chair?

And would it kill them to put a damn sign on the door? Cute clip. I love it.

Okay, so the funny parts are coming up. Starting with the cousins. I love them! William Green (ha!), the trash-talking Hulk. We watched that THREE times, laughing out loud every time. Now why don't they show more of that and less stupid stuff? THAT was priceless. And the Hulk's cousin, Akron Watson. Wow! I'm so glad they let him through. He's cute, sings well, and is a lot more fun than they saw right away. We like the cousins.

Music teacher Sandie Chavez. Yikes. I'm not going to say anything more than, "Read Mark's post." From his comments during her performance, I'm sure he's got something good to share.

Ashlyn Carr. She is REALLY pretty! And she sounds good! Awwww, I wish they'd give her that advice and put her through. Too bad. Oh wait! Oh good! She's through! So aside from her being let through to Hollywood (and I love that they chased her down and gave her a second chance--I disliked Simon's puppe . . . I mean Randy's stupid switch up with her. Oh, look at that. He likes her now. What a shocker.), my FAVORITE part of her audition and my BIGGEST laugh of the show (and oh, how I wish I could post a clip) was when Simon sat back in his chair and rubbed his breasts over and over again while he said, "You have some very, very bad habits." ROTFL! That scene right there is every blogger's dream. Yes, Ashlyn, you sometimes scrunch up your nose and smile when you sing (rub, rub, rub). I, on the other hand, don't EVER do that (rub, rub, rub). You've really got to work on those bad habits (rub, rub, rub). It's distracting (rub, rub, rub). ROTFL! I wonder if she was uncomfortable. I would've been if I hadn't been laughing so hard and rewinding to see if I really had seen what I thought I had. Yep. Rub, rub, rub. Yes indeed.

I found Jacob Tutor (the "snake") completely disturbing in that little room where they like to videotape them talking and dancing. Yikes. I had a visceral reaction. Total nausea. I don't remember much of his singing . . . something about dark hallways or bedrooms? And all the judges can (Blue American Idol Sign) *$#%@*) @#)$*@#)$* @#$*&%$.

Jimmy McNeal is a "fun, little Ruben when he used to smile." Yes, Cupid, fling your arrow. Nice job, Jimmy.

And tomorrow. Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. "Best of the Rest" to me would indicate GOOD auditions. Great maybe. But apparently we have to mire through more crap garbage to hear the good stuff. Wouldn't it be fun if this year they were to profile, at least in part, everyone who's going to Hollywood and then on further? Sigh. Tune in tomorrow for more good and torturous auditions. I can hardly wait.

Week 4A - San Antonio

Last week of auditions...thank God!

Brian Kyrish looks scary from the get go. Yeah. I'd recommend anger management.

Haley Scarnato - Very nice. I have high hopes. She moved me, but I agree with Simon about the 'unique' or 'it' factor being in absence thus far. Hopefully she can bring it.

Jasmine Holland - nasal and banal. But must the boyz laff?

Baylie Brown - young, but quite attractive, and holds her own vocally. I think America will love her! Naturally Simon spots her right away.

Again with the stoopid door game?! Puh-leeze!

William Green - instead of laughing, why don't they just stop him?

His cousin, Akron Watson, did quite well. I liked him a lot, but he'll have to work hard, I think.

Sandie Chavez - the Phoebe Snow of AI auditions - fair in her very unique stylized way, but definitely an acquired taste.

Ashlyn Carr - beautiful young lady, and enough talent with her smokey voice to go a long way. I was typing, so I missed the facial expressions the judges got down on. I think they made a big mistake declining her. Simon acknowledges that, thank God. I looked more closely at the facial expressions the second time around. I don't think they're as much of a distraction as the judges do, but I understand their intent. On the other hand, Katharine McPhee's "voices in my head" remark comes to mind, and I wonder if she won't 'sink beneath their wisdom like a stone' during the coming weeks.

Jimmy McNeal - very melodious and powerful voice. I like him!

More auditions tomorrow? Yes - 'The Best of the Rest'. See you then...

...John