Buhminham

Well, it was an *interesting* evening...

Overall I wasn't as excited about the judges picks as I usually am. I don't know if it was just the people they showed or what. Maybe a bad mood? Who knows...

How about that newlywed with the little girl voice? And Tatiana? Or Bernard the 2nd? (Simon was sure excited about him - that was surprising!) Then there was Big Bird, who was hoping to "overwell" the judges...hmmmm.

The "blue-eyed bombshell" gave a little too much of a "pity-party" story for me.

There was one bright light of the evening... CHRIS SLIGH!!!! Now there was someone to get excited about! I loved that there was a funny contestant who was actually *trying* to be funny (rather than just someone being made fun of....)!!! And I *really* liked his voice. He was definitely my favorite of the night!

If there's one judge you don't want to be missing when you're auditioning, it's Paula...too bad for the Day 2 contestants!!!

H-O-L-Y-H-A-I-R...Need I say more? I did feel bad for her though when she was so sad afterwards. And Simon's "Sorry Vic, it's a no"...good grief, where does he get off calling people nicknames?

Did "Like A Virgin" say she had an "excrordinary voice"? I replayed it three times and that's what I heard! That audition reminded me of a 5 year old's dance recital - she had the exact same moves.

And finally, a shot of Simon going through the wrong door...sweet justice for all the contestants who have done the same thing this season!

Hasta manana... :)

The Answer: 205

The Question: What is the collective I.Q. of the worst people to audition in each of the first 5 audition shows? I'm guessing when all is said and done, we might reach an even 300, but I wouldn't get too excited about it.

Actually, though, this is the first audition show that I've watched and thought (oh so briefly) I could watch a bit more. I guess it's because 15 of the 20 eventual Hollywood-goers came from Day 1, so the second half of the show was pretty much fluff-n-stuff. Things could have been so much worse, that's for sure. The really sad thing is most of my snarky advice comes from one person's audition in particular. It doesn't take a genius to figure out which one it is.

So, without further ado, here are my "Top 10 Things A.I. Wannabes Should Know: Birmingham Edition."

10. The Mayor is here today, but he won't be assigning any more special days to the calendar yet. You have to make the Top 3 for that. Although, "I hereby proclaim today 'Talentless Insane People Day' in Birmingham" has a certain ring to it.

9. The judges are not particularly interested in any "packages" today, total or otherwise. See #5 here and #8 here. You've been warned.

8. On Day 1, the part of Paula Abdul will be played by some woman who overdosed on Peppy Pills and no longer makes any sense. She cannot sit still in her chair and no longer recognizes good intonation (Michael Jackson dude--in tune, Paula says he is not; Seal dude--out of tune, Paula says he is). On Day 2, Paula Abdul has a "family engagement" and will be unavailable to judge until we meet up with her in a future city. We are told we will see a toned down version of Paula, who will then be on Moderately Pleasant Pills.

7. Do I need to remind anyone that Madonna's "Like a Virgin" is not a song that has been successful thus far on American Idol? Keith did that one in a few years ago and I still can't get that image out of my mind--yuck! Honestly, Madonna's vocals on it were only so-so, but it shocked all of us that were used to listening to the messageless "happy" music of the early 80s so much that she pulled it off.

6. David Hasselhoff was crying because he's just a few years too old to compete. The thought going through his head last year as he was watching Taylor was, "I wonder what the age limit is for German Idol. Chicks love me over there!" Apparently old guys can audition in Los Angeles, so be looking for the ol' Knight Rider to show up again!

5. If you have difficulties with your first song, please blame the floor. It's been known to spontaneously ruin the careers of so many A.I. hopefuls in the past. (As an aside, flooring was also responsible for the sudden and tragic downfall of Milli Vanilli, regardless of the dubbed voice theories you may have heard.) It's only been pointed out lately how troublesome the floor can be.

4. Don't be fooled. If the producers ask you for a sob story, do not think of Kellie Pickler last year and think, "Oh, she had that awful life only thought to exist within the world of country music, and they profiled her, and now she's a star!" It might work once or twice, but this year the producers are trying to really get people's hopes up so the fall is so much more devastating.

3. Randy has so little contact with people in the "real world" that his only words of advice or encouragement may be "hot hair." This is honestly supposed to make you feel better about yourself, and you should measure all of you future endeavors against this heartfelt sentiment.

2. Only a few people will be more entertaining than the movie trailer I watched at double speed while fast-forwarding A.I. on my Tivo. It was something with Eddie Murphy and what looked like a skinny man in a fat suit. Do we really need another obnoxious-guy-in-fat-suit-dressed-as-woman movie?

1. When the judges ask you why you are here, just tell them the truth: I want to be on television. Or tell them you don't know why. They seem to like it when their expectations are low, and then you exceed them.

Here is a bonus plea from the Doctor, haiku style (as always):

You're representin'
Southern hospitality
Ruben, where are you?!

Tomorrow's show looks like a good one. I am genuinely excited to see it. It has all the makings of a good audition show: aspiring actors dressed as bananas pretending to be singers, topless gyrations, and lots of golden tickets.

Sweet Home Alabama

11,000 people lined up by 6am and 20 people get through. Wow. Talk about perspective. That is approximately 10,970 very unhappy people, 10 moderately unhappy people (at least they got on television), 16 happy, but annoyed people (they *didn't* get their golden ticket audition on television and you WILL hear about that later), and 4, count 'em, FOUR auditions that we, the viewers and those who vote, got to even SEE. That means that out of 60 minutes of garbage auditions and crap commercials, we got to see, oh, about 6 minutes of talent. And the Mayor of Birmingham.

More fuzzy spots in the crowd. They must've been advertising Chevrolet instead of Ford. Idiots.

So, that's the first time in six seasons that the judges have been welcomed?! Simon looked pleased and cynical as could be.

One of my favorite lines of the evening was "Erika! Erika! ERIKA! Stop singing, Erika! ERIKA! Erika, stop singing. Stop. Stop. Erika. Stop. Erika! Erika! ERIKA! ERIKA! ERIKA! Stop. STOP. Stop. Stop. Erika. Erika. ERIKA. ERIKA! Erika. Stop singing. You've got to . . Erika. ERIKA! You've got to stop singing. Erika. Erika. ERIKA! Erika. ERIKA! ERIKA! You have to shut up!" And now it's echoing in my head. Honestly. Definitely makes you feel less sorry for them. I mean, clearly they're deaf. Or socially retarded and don't understand boundaries. Either one is a definite detriment in a singing competition. Out you go.

My first "LOL" of the evening came from Ryan's oh-so-fake "awwwwwww" at some shed tears. I like Ryan. I really do. And I think he's fantastic. I'm so glad he's the host of this show. He doesn't get on my nerves and I think he's very sweet with the contestants. But, (and again, I refer you to paragraph #1), that's 10,980 "awwwwww"s (those 10 don't know yet that they're on TV so they probably cry, too).

Cute Katie with the weird talking voice but good singing voice who just got married? (Why is Paula kneeling?) When she started pleading, she reminded me of Judy Garland's Dorothy from the "Wizard of Oz" with her desperate plea "Oh no, please! Please don't take Toto! He's a good dog! Please! Oh Antie Em!"

Why can't Paula sit?

Then that skinny girl and her anorexic friend walked off jerking their hips side to side.

Why is Paula giggling?

Bernard Williams II sang and did alright, in my opinion. And in Simon's and Randy's, too. Now, THAT is odd.

Why is Paula touching Randy so much?

So Paula thought he was off-key?? What is going ON with her today??

My 2nd "LOL" of the evening came when they played the Sesame Street Theme to the entrance of Big Bird's cousin, Margaret FOWLer. FOWLer. Need I say more? Oh yes. I do. She's 26, no 30, no 38, no 50! And one of my new favorite Simonisms--"an Easter Bunny nightmare experience." Priceless.

That little montage of golden tickets? Yeah, they couldn't show us more of that and less Big Bird? Grrrrrrrrr.

The girl with the father who caught her stepmomma cheating (twice!) and then shot her and then shot himself and now he's paralyzed and she lives with her grandmama and takes care of him? Well, if that ain't a country song waiting to happen! Yeah right, Simon would've said no to her. Did you see her bouncing up and down? Give me a break.

That 28-year-old guy who sees Christina Aguilera when he looks in the mirror? Yeah, that's Mark's first LOL of the evening. Chris Sligh. He's not very good, but he's very funny.

Why is Paula turning in her seat? And why is she not hearing that this guy IS very off-key??

15 got through on Day 1. Yeah, they'll quickly show you all of them. Did you see them? You see, THAT is also when they show the little Ford (not Chevy) car driving across the screen. What do they have against showing us talent?!?!

Day 2. No Paula.

Long-haired ladies. Nice girl. I *hate* it when Randy tries to over compensate for being a total jackass by cupping his hand around his mouth and yelling insincere niceties to the crying contestants as they exit the room. Does he really think she has "HOT HAIR, THOUGH!"? I HATE that! As if that is going to make up for the missing golden ticket. "Hot hair? Oh, thank you! Yep, all better. Who needs Hollywood? Randy says I have hot hair! I'm like the sweetest girl who's ever auditioned for them and I'm not quite sure what he means since I don't even know that 'hot' has any other meaning besides indicating when the sun beats down on the farm. Momma don't know what he means neither. She shrugged her shoulders and said, 'He didn't e'en touch it! How does he know?' But by golly, Randy thinks my hair is hot. I don't need Hollywood. My life now has meaning." Randy has to be my least favorite judge. Why Paula gets more criticism than he does is beyond me.

What . . . the hell . . . was that? Indeed. Yeah, she's nervous and people tell her she can sing. There you go! But I *love* the southern hospitality montage. "Thank yewww!"

I'm so tired of 1st and last auditions being spotlighted. I know they probably pick who goes in those spots and try to make it look like it's not staged. "Let's see if the last audition of the first day can wow them!" Brandy Peterson did NOT make me feel "shiny and new." She does not make it look like it's fun for a virgin to get touched for the very first time. She makes it look scary. But then again, it's the floor's fault.

FIVE on day 2. FIVE. That's got to be a record low.

Where is Paula?!?!

And now we know more about the role Paula serves--without her, they'd have 24 people after auditions and there'd be no reason for Hollywood.

L.A. looks positively worse than New York, but I love the preview. I'm totally intrigued.

Week 3A - Birmingham

Okay! Pizza's in the oven, and I have a baseless premonition that something wonderful awaits us in tonight's viewing! We shall see...

Ah! seeming to confirm my intuition, we're told that Alabama is home to more finalists than any other state thus far. Onwards, then, to further greatness.

Erica Skye - better than the average initial offerings in other cities, but still dreadfully loud and off-key. Her second effort was actually closer than the judges allowed for, but having made up their minds, they wouldn't relent.

Katie Bernard, whose speaking voice sounds like Howie Mandel's imitation of a little kid, sings quite well enough for a second chance. Paula and Simon seemed to believe it was an affectation she could leave at the door, which disinclined them from passing her. It may well be an affectation she developed at some point in her early life (by listening to Howie Mandell), but I don't think she could possibly drop it at will. We have this year's Kellie Pickler factor.

Tatiana McConnico(?)- very decent sound, but I'd like to hear her carry a note for longer than a few seconds. Still, well worth a ticket and a chance to be heard again.

Diana Walker - too much. 'Nuff said.

Bernard Williams II - I like him! Smoooth! Not off key, per Paula. Perhaps she's having inner ear problems?

Margaret Fowler - took advantage of the 'fowl' in her name to imitate Big Bird? That's the only similarity she had to singing like a canary (a very large one!).

Jamie Lynn Ward - Another Kellie Pickler, accent-wise. A little rough, but she moved my energy. I could see her singing the tracks of a Disney movie. She's gonna have to work hard, though.

Christina Aguilera, er, I mean Chris Sligh - Actually pretty good, though somewhat rough and inconsistent. Not having Jamie's endearing qualities, I wonder what the judges will say? I'm impressed! His humor seems to have served him well. I see him more as entertaining us through the series than having a shot at the finals, but we shall see...

Mmmmm...good pizza! Made with Trader Joe's cornmeal pizza crust, now available separately, and crowned with spaghetti sauce, garlic, black olive tapenade, chicken italian sausage - all from TJ's!

Victoria Watson - seeking an audience for her Rapunzel hair, or a serious entrant? Good intentions, I can see, but a bit church choirish, and giving the impression that she sings for religious reasons - "to lift people up", more than to entertain.

Lakia Hill - Ouch! Save me!

But I do appreciate the citizens' ability to take no for an answer, gracefully.

Nichole Gatzman - A little rough. She might have made it past Paula, had she been there.

'Braggin' Brandy Patterson - they encourage her with a second chance on the carpet, and then wonder why she gets upset? They should have just told her no, period, the first time, and been done with it. The way they led her on was unneccessarily cruel, no matter how much comeuppance she might have had coming. up.

See you in LA!