Rembember the Alamo?

You know those Pace Picante Sauce commercials where the cowboys talk about this salsa made in San Antonio by folks who know what salsa should taste like, and then the crusty ol' cowboy says "This stuff's made in New York City"? I always think of that when I hear San Antonio. Sad? A bit. But those cowboys had the same reaction to New Yore I did during this year's auditions. But could San Antonio deliver the goods?

From my knowledge of U.S. history, the Battle of the Alamo was an eventual defeat. Granted, all the Americans went down "fightin' like men," but I'm pretty sure if I went to audition, and I remembered the Alamo, I'd fail pretty miserably. But, why shock the world and not mention the Alamo in San Antonio. I'm just surprised a little Alamo rental car logo didn't come flying across the screen at some point, along with that Ford logo. Have you ever noticed how similar the Ford and American Idol symbols are? Hmmmm. OK, enough pointless rambling, on to San Antonio.

This is my last city-specific list, the "Top 10 Things A.I. Wannabes Should Know: San Antonio Edition."

10. Any of you not actually from Texas, but who traveled from distant locations such as South Dakota and South Carolina, will be forced to wear a 10-gallon hat, scream "yee-haw," and then sing "Rawhide," even if you're not in a particularly Rawhide-ish mood. We will air this segment right after talking about the geographically diverse crowd here today.

9. Do not bother dazzling us with the vocal stylings of Billy Idol or Ozzy Osbourne. We will not be impressed, except by your camouflaged pants and proficiency in doing the centipede. Viva les 80s!

8. Simon just paid good money to renew his work visa, and it was a long flight to San Antonio from his home, so in no way will he be inclined to "go back to British." He may be persuaded, however, to visit French, Russian, or Rhodesian just as soon as we finish this season.

7. If your last name matches up perfectly with a well-known superhero (think Incredible Hulk and William Green) you will be invited to meet the judges. It is a bonus if you can provide some "trash talking" to go along with your audition. Not the real kind, because that's old, but the fake stuff is funny!

6. In a break from tradition, we will be encouraging second chances tonight. And this time we mean the good ones, not the "if you're so nervous and your throat is dry and you lost your cuff link and you don't understand my accent and these lyrics are just too hard and according to your horoscope today is not an auspicious time for 'new adventures' so why don't you come back and 'wow' us later" kind of second chances (these are never good). We mean the "we may have made a mistake" kind of second chances Akron Watson and Ashlyn Carr will get today. We do get it right once in a while. (Plus, you don't want to piss off Bruce Banner!)

5. OPEN THE @#$! RIGHT DOOR!!! It was funny in the beginning. I laughed a bit. I even "haikued" about it once or twice, but a montage of left door "openers" is not that funny. Except for the parts where Paula tried to open the left side (think "peppy pills) and where the one girl just blasted straight through. Oh, oh, and when Simon cracked up after opening the wrong door. I take it back--I did get some enjoyment out of some of it. Carry on!

4. Unfortunately Randy left his own opinions back at the hotel with his good shoes. Today he's a follower. A follower usually following the guy from British.

3. It's time for a complex mathematical equation promising great success to those of you who learn it well.

Half-naked = Halfway to Hollywood

Simon will say "yes," and since Randy has no original thought today (reference #4 above), he'll likely provide the other "yes." Welcome to Hollywood!

2. Today the family "legend" will likely end here. Remember that Bigfoot, the Abominable Snowman, and real meat in Taco Bell tacos are also legends. And please don't leave out any of our judges in your articulate, thoughtful, profound, profanity-laden tirade. They start to feel a little hurt if you forget someone.

1. Bucky's cousin. Yes, you. The mumbly one. We let Bucky through last year, but our judges got so tired trying to decipher his secret code that we've decided to prohibit mumbly singing. Sorry. Dryaginnessyeah!

0. (So is this really a Top 11?) Remember, this is the first step of many you'll have to make in order to say "I AM the next American Idol"^TM. In the great words of a 4(?) year-old today: So?

Here is one last geographical haiku from the good doctor:

San Antonio
Remember the Alamo
No syllables left

I am not as excited about the "Best of the Rest" show tomorrow. I foolishly thought this may have included mostly good auditions, but forgot that "best" is an entirely subjective term and the producers of American Idol didn't ask me for my opinion. That's too bad, because one day y'all are gonna see me on TV, and you'll be lookin' the fool when I's the rich one laughin' at all y'all's sorry butts. That's what I'm talkin' about today, fools!

Until tomorrow, adieu!

P.S. How do you like our new banner at the top? You. Move. Me.