Bottom of the Barrel

Let's just hope this show wasn't the "rest of the best," because by my count there will only be 6 or 7 talented people in Hollywood. I know, I know. They think we love the terrible auditions, and the montages, and the cheesy game show segments and Ryan juggling and people "dancing" in front of the camera and . . . and . . . and . . .

Anyway, for my audition wrap-up, I'll be giving some advice to those auditioning for Season 7. Here is my "Top 10 Things A.I. Wannabes Should Know: Next Year's Edition."

10. When everything inside of you is telling you to dance, and you have been studying Paula's "Opposites Attract" video daily for the past 15 years, and you can't stop tapping your toes . . . STOP! They will make fun of you, and "dancing" will probably not improve your chances of getting through to Hollywood.

9. Like, I know you're BFF, and like, nothing will ever change your friendship, and this is, like, totally the, like best thing you could be doing together right now. And you totally love each other and do everything together. But don't audition together. It almost always causes problems.

8. There will be times when the viewers at home will be more interested in the commercials on TV than your audition. Like tonight, when I actually rewound the Tivo to make sure we caught the commercial for "Shrek the Third." The commercial was so entertaining that I laughed more in those 60 seconds than in the other 3540 seconds that tortured me.

7. Lifting your skirt to show the judges your "I (heart) Simon" message will not help you. It's mostly disturbing, and a bit disgusting.

6. If you are going to use a past A.I. contestant as your inspiration, apparently picking a "successful," yet tone deaf contestant (a la William Hung) is your best bet. Our Taylor Hicks wannabes did not do well, and by now trying to be like Kelly Clarkson is becoming like trying to pull off a Whitney or Mariah song.

5. ENUNCIATE! 'Nuff said!

4. Persistence is key. Well, you'll get air time, for better or for worse. If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. But this time be good!

3. Beat boxing? While your friends may love it, and you may have won some sort of high school contest, and people fill your hat with spare change at the entrance to the transit authority, this "talent" is not right for American Idol. And especially don't break dance while you're doing it. See #10 above.

2. Our judges like songs they know. They also like songs they can understand. So, what I'm trying to say is leave your original compositions at home, and sing in tune. Common sense, I know, but for some reason people keep forgetting this is a SINGING competition. And a bit of a popularity contest. And a bit of a beauty contest. But you do have to sing.

1. Don't waste all of your tears in the audition room. Apparently everyone will be crying in Hollywood! Oh, and Simon won't give a damn!

Here is my final haiku of the audition season (but I'm sure there will be more to come!):

The best of the rest
Is just crappy auditions
With more fluff-n-stuff

Hollywood next week! Let's see the talent roll. I'm getting pretty excited about what's coming up. Who will be this year's Corey Clark? Who will forget her lines? Who's fighting with each other? And which great talent will we not see until the Top 24? None of these questions will be adequately answered next week, but at least we'll be entertained a bit more!