Best of the Rest, Rest of the Best . . . whatever.

Rest of the Best? No. No no. More like A Bit of *%$#. As Simon is apt to say, "What. The hell. Was that??"

I feel like the consenting victim in an abusive relationship. I watch this show. I love this show. I blog about this show. We buy the albums. And what do they do? LIE to us. They LIE. If I had to hear Ryan's "We just couldn't fit it all in the other auditions shows" voiceover one more time, I might've hurled something at the TV. But I didn't. You know why? Because I'm well aware of how this show holds you hostage to its excitement. Every year I wonder if it'll ever get old, but nope. I keep watching. And what do they say? LIES! "This is a special show because there's just too much to fit in the other shows!" LIES! No, American Idol. You could've fit it in, but you would've had to cut out a ton of CRAP.

And what did they show us tonight? Crap and MORE CRAP! How many more good ones did we see tonight? FIVE. 5! FIVE!! 172 people are going to Hollywood and they showed us FIVE more tonight. FIVE. Let me guess. You couldn't fit in more tonight either, right? Because we just HAD to see Big Bird again wiggling her middle. And we had to give more air time to "Eccentric." And the world just hasn't seen enough of Ian Bernardo. No, please. Show us more.

Oh wait, might this be a good one? The girl with the headband (or is that a hat?) on her head. It looks like she used it to pull up her hair in order to use astringent and then forgot about it. Krista. WHY? WHY did they subject us to this? It wasn't even funny!

GOLDEN TICKET #1. Tami Gosnell (who's 29, by the way). The one who looks like a female Bo Bice? Sang "Whipping Post?" I like her. One more going to Hollywood. Apparently 4 more to show tonight. Whoopee.

Again with the voiceover before every commercial break. "We just couldn't fit it in." BS!

GOLDEN TICKET #2. The man who says he's representing all Asians. Good for him! Paul Kim. Great job. A little too affected and over-the-top distracting body language for my liking, but good voice.

They showed the guy with a crush on Paula. And again, she showed her graciousness. The more I see her, the more I like her. Good on you, Paula!

They showed us a girl who's auditioning because she's "American." I don't even have words for this. I'm so thoroughly annoyed by tonight's "offering."

GOLDEN TICKETS #3 and 4. The 3 skating girls. Gotta feel badly for the one who didn't get through. And hmmmm, guess who's going through. That was a tough one.

Woohoo! 100 days until Shrek 3! Now THAT was a nice long trailer worth watching! American Idol could take some lessons from Dreamworks.

And woohoo! A songwriting contest! I'm giddy with excitement. Maybe this is why we've quit residency. :P

Let's see, why else haven't we seen more talent. Oh yeah, because they "couldn't fit it all in." And, apparently, because we had to watch the contestants "shake their moneymakers." And we HAD to watch that stupid "Name That Song" contest with their stupid 555-1-TONE-DEAF number and their stupid subtitles. Like we couldn't figure out the first 2. Spare me. Save it for the finale. And the 3rd girl? Isn't that the one who sang for the mayor of Houston? We already *#$*#@*#$ saw her yesterday.

Argh.

Mark, can I add to one of your lists? "Don't snap when you audition. It's annoying." I'm grumpy.

GOLDEN TICKET #5. This year's Mandisa. Lakisha Jones. Maybe she'll just go by Lakisha.

No more repeat offenders. No more montages. Please spare us. Please have mercy. On to Hollywood. Enough nonesense already.

I stormed off of the couch tonight to write this. FIVE more to Hollywood they show us. LIARS! You couldn't have squeezed that in? LIARS! You couldn't have fit those 5 in the other shows, instead of, oh, I don't know, bouncing bananas? Dancing inflatable fat cows? The girl auditioning for the soap opera? Or maybe Erika who wouldn't stop singing? The lion from the Wizard of Oz? The 50-year-old Big Bird? How about Ian Bernardo? That drunk cowgirl? The orgasmic cowgirl? The guy pulling his underwear out of his pants? Or, I don't know, que tal "The Hotness?" Juggling auditioners? People dressed like boxers? "Don't You Wish Your Girlfriend Were Hot Like Me" montages? PICK SOMETHING!

At least we got to see the Shrek 3 trailer.

Stupid show.