What I'd Like, But What I Will

I thought it would be fun to "warm up" as we enter week 2 of the audition shows. Don't worry. I won't mention again how I really don't like these shows, but continue to watch anyway. I won't say it. I won't alienate any of you again. I refuse to. Anyway, this activity is called "What I'd Like, But What I Will." I'm going to list a few things I'd like to see on the show this week, and then I'll list a few things I think I will see. Here we go!

What I'd Like

1. In an unprecedented move, the producers of "American Idol" refuse to allow anyone dressed in a costume to appear before the judges. These people will need to "change or go home." Oh, and they'll have to be able to sing.

2. Randy decides that it really isn't cool to be mean, especially since his witticisms include the cerebral, "dude, dawg, dude" and the intelligently thought out "I dunno." Instead he will opt for constructive criticism stemming from years of experience in the industry, shunning frequent references to playing in the "greatest band of all time" or working with anyone labeled the "greatest ________ in the known (world, universe, etc.)

3. Paula will stop making silly jokes about how she'd like to vomit when she sees Simon, or how their children would look like dogs, or any of the like. She will just admit she sort of likes him and then she can cut out all of the teen-age flirting.


What I Will

1. Elvis impersonator after Elvis impersonator after Apollo Creed/Uncle Sam/Statue of Liberty after Elvis impersonator, all with little singing talent, parade before the judges, stealing airtime from talented singers honestly trying to "make it."

2. Thousands of people proclaim, "I AM the next American Idol."^TM, wave at the screen, and then prove why there is only one American Idol and millions of people who are NOT.

3. More humiliated people add insult to injury by trying to open the left door. PLEASE! Someone put a sign on that door!

Enjoy the show!