I've Got the Blues in Memphis

One hour. Perfect. It was almost too short this time . . . almost. I was pleased with the relative dearth of costumes, props, and animals. Considering more people made it from Memphis than in the previous two cities, I was disappointed in that we were not treated to a bit more talent. But all in all, it was a decent show.

On to my "Top 10 Things A.I. Wannabes Should Know: Memphis Edition."

10. Would you please stop mumbling?! I know Bucky made mumbling fashionable and profitable (think "I'm mery sumadishus"), but please enunciate!!! If the judges can't understand you, you can't go to Hollywood.

9. Heads up--Randy is a bit more himself today. I think returning to his southern home (Alabama's not far away) has helped the dawg feel a bit better. Oh, he's still on a mission to rid the world of pathetic singers, furthering his greatness as a member of a famous rock band, but he's at least a little more pleasant and funny today.

8. Never, and I mean ne-ver tell the judges "I can dance" or "I can do it all" or "I am a triple threat" or any such statement so as to give the impression of multiple talents. Chances are the singing isn't much better either.

7. We at American Idol have decided to inconvenience the city of Memphis by blocking off various important areas in town so people will think all of the city came to audition. Cheap trick, I know, but we are just full enough of ourselves to think all the world cares.

6. Anyone thinking of using profane language or hand gestures, be warned. We have to pay someone to put those things on the video later, and we're going to have to pay the guy overtime this week because of all of you (plus we had to pay the Queen a bit after she laid into us for using her national flag last week in such a rude and tasteless manner). So this week, we will be collecting a fee for each incident of profanity or lewd gesturing.

5. If you pull your underwear out of your pants while singing, and toss it on the floor, we will not pick it up. We will not wash it. It will remain there until someone is brave enough to dispose of it. Oh, and you will not make it through to Hollywood.

4. Simon is not a big fan of encores, so begging to sing another song, or just launching into another selection will not erase the memories of a terrible first choice. "First is the worst, Second is the best" only works in the lunch line in 3rd grade.

3. Lefty and righty falling out of your dress will not be construed as "conservative" or "innocent." The way it is going to happen today will not be construed as "sexy" either. It's mostly just disturbing and annoying.

2. No Elvis impersonators will be allowed on camera today. It's just too cheesy in Memphis. Maybe in Las Vegas. But, skinny guys dressed nothing like Elvis, who refuse to realize that doing "motions with the music" is the same as dancing, and then sing an Elvis song will be allowed to audition. And if you have good vocals and a good voice, that helps.

1. We are facilitating political asylum for a Caribbean dictator today, so don't be alarmed. Plus, Fidel can sing!

Bonus advice from the Doctor for all of you auditioning in Memphis today, again, haiku style.

Elvis--gone today
Cuban Jesus takes his place
A.I. strikes again

So, week 2A is in the books, and 2B promises to wow us! The promos from New York look innocuous enough. I can't wait to see what 2 hours tomorrow bring us.