The City That Doesn't Sleep . . .

. . . and apparently neither do I. I hate 2-hour audition shows. And yet I sit and blog. This show has a hold on me. Or I'm possessed.

No, I'm not possessed! Ian Benardo (see his shirt?) is possessed. Ian Benardo and his chinchilla (where's PETA when you need them?) and his multiple therapists . . . there's something wrong there. Very wrong. His therapist says he's a superstar. He sings of voices in his head. And he's totally full of himself. Now, those are the kind of bad auditions I can get into!

Sarah with the unsupportive parents. Cute girl. Okay voice. The whole lead up was a little too "reality TV" for me (for those new to my reviews, I don't think of AI as a reality show--it's more of a talent show. I'm being serious.). When she was crying and the cheesy music was playing, despite the lack of roses and candlelight and limos, I had to remind myself that she was in fact *not* a bachelorette rejected on the night of the finale. And the phone call to her dad was pretty anti-climactic. Maybe it was just a Sprint promo. Because, you know, text voting isn't enough.

I hated the "Days Of Our Lives" bit, too. So way over the top. That girl oughta listen to Carol and try out for Broadway, because if her singing doesn't get her on, her dramatic acting and oration will.

The 2 best friends and the beach ball intro? Blech! One of the camera operators clearly knows exactly when to zoom in on dirty-old-man Simon during auditions. He ogled that tall one and the camera zoomed right in on his face, mouth agape, pencil nervously twisting in his hands. Disgusting pig.

Anyway, they're both good. The blonde one reminds me of a girl in our ward (do you know who, people from around here?). I like the taller one better. They're both going through to Hollywood only in part because of their voices. They're pretty. And they're best friends. And Hollywood is spelled D-R-A-M-A. We already have Ryan's foreshadowing, which may or may not mean much, but anyway . . .

Cliff? Mr. "Average Joe?" Yeah, he apparently wandered onto the set of the wrong show. Wrong channel, too. I believe he's looking for that "Beauty and the Geek" show on the WB or whatever it's called now. And note to all contestants trying out: if they actually invite you to sing another song, don't play the harmonica.

Did that really need to be said?

Did you guys catch that quick clip of the guy from Lancaster, PA? I'm not quite sure what color his hair is. What is that . . . electrifying blue? Electrifying green?

Fidel Castro! Oh wait, those are Memphis's notes. (Flip paper).

Kia! Aretha Franklin. Ish. I don't love it, but she's good. And after her audition, I thought the judges had really caught on. THREE of them said "100%" and then Randy Jackson had to say, "1000%." AGAIN. Randy, you can't be 1000 per cent anything. Argh.

Day 2. Crap, there's another hour of this . . . 35 contestants they let through. 35! And in two hours, what do we see?? Chinchillas.

Jenry. I like him! That's some good eye candy with that nice voice. Can I say that about a 16-year-old? Very cute boy with a very nice voice.

By the way, I'm not liking the no-Simon dynamic. I was glad when he arrived, cell phones and all.

Nakia Campbell. HOLY BIPOLAR! She's fun! I like her! What energy! What an entrance! Good for her! YES! She is dancing in the streets and I like it! Go Nakia! Wait. Holy crud. She is off key BADLY when she reins it in. And what a totally different exit. Yikes. Maybe she should see one of Ian's therapists. And not the one who feeds his delusions.

Sarah Cowboy Goldberg. My gosh, I think she's drunk! She knows she can't sing! Is she crazy? No, I think she's drunk! She actually just said, "I don't think you have to sing to be an American Idol." She's drunk. Do you ever wonder about how those people must react when they sober up and watch themselves months later? Drunk on national television. Those people have family and friends and jobs. What's her tomorrow morning going to be like?

And Simon arrives. Hallelujah. New Yore! New Yore!

Jory. She's really good! Who is she? I don't have any indicators on my notes. Oh! The one with the big medallion from Canada (thanks, Mark). ;)

Porcelana. The one who's been working out for a year. She scares me. And when people wear pants that low, it makes me very, very nervous. I think I saw her, um, how do I say this politely? I think I saw a definite division of her posterior. I don't really like her. Maybe SHE is the Brenna Gathers of this season. With a white trash touch of Kim Caldwell. Frightening. In the extreme.

George Michael? Simon Cowell? No, that kid is an Osmond. But scary. A metro-Osmond. He sounds like a woman. A woman who can't stay in tune. That was a very strange thing to watch.

Rachel Zevita. Opera? Rock star? Something tells me she won't make it past Hollywood. This makes you also wonder about all the golden ticket holders. They're watching the show seeing everyone else who has received a golden ticket. Of course, they've already done Hollywood and they know whether or not they're contenders for the top 24. THAT they do once we watch all of this.

Oh, I'm so grateful for lots of commercials and the "fast forward" button on the TiVo remote.

Chris Richardson. I'm not quite sure why the judges got so excited about him. He sang way too fast and he sang a song that Elliott knocked out of the park. He sort of reminds me of Justin Timberlake, I guess. But I don't see what all the fuss is about. He was a bit nasaly and rushed. And he said he was singing a song (no pun intended) "interpretated" by Donny Hathaway. Yeah, I'm not feeling it on that one.

Okay, Nicholas Pedro. The guy who backed out in Hollywood this past season. From Taunton, MA. (Did you catch that, Mom?) I like him. I thought they might not let him through, but he has a nice voice. And being from my home state doesn't hurt.

Isadora. Or Julie. Whatever. What's this show rated? That has got to be the most embarrassing thing I have ever watched on TV. I had a visceral reaction. And not the good kind.

I love that Ryan is the host. "It's been 2 days for us. How many has it been for you?" ROTFL!

35 from New York. 35!! Maybe this year's American Idol will hail from New York. I don't know. Next week it's Birmingham!!

Bo out.