The Big Crapple

Well, more people made it through from New York than from any other city so far, but it's possible that 2 or 3 thousand, and maybe even a million people auditioned there, so that's not so unexpected. I was pleased with quite a few of the auditions, but was sufficiently disappointed as to make another one of my lists. Writing these things is like debriefing after a major disaster. Hopefully Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder doesn't set in!

So, here are my "Top 10 Things A.I. Wannabes Should Know: New York Edition."

10. On Day 1, you will be so terrible that Simon will drink himself into oblivion (apparently until 3 AM!) and will be unavailable to start Day 2. The morning of Day 2 is your chance to slip through before the pompous blowhard with a hangover shows up. Once he gets here, Simon will not be amused by anything! You've been warned.

9. If you were rejected by that Brit on the dancing show, you will not do much better with the Brit on the singing show. This is for two reasons. First, antagonism is just not the best way to impress them. And second, you can't dance, nor can you sing. And you're just plain annoying!

8. If you are on the fence talent wise, offer to let the producers video you down by the Boardwalk in a bikini, and they'll let you go to Hollywood. One of you who was let through to Hollywood because Simon is a dirty old man at heart (not because you have "training") will crack notes on a "humorous" montage at the end. I wouldn't have high expectations in Hollywood if I were you.

7. Please, please, please limit your remarks to 15 seconds, tops. Begging and pleading will not work. I have seen it work only once or twice in 5 seasons, and those people didn't get that far anyway. It's great that you've been working so hard, and have "internalized" the music, and feel it's your chance, and know that the third time is the charm, and you've been to Hollywood twice and know what it's like, and you're up to the challenge, and your mother and sister and friend love you and think you are great, and you refuse to leave when you've been asked, and your hat is dope, and you love Simon, regardless of what anyone says, and . . .

Just go.

6. The age limit is 30. In the past, contestants have had to lie to get through to the judges, but this year we will be accepting one person over 30 to audition for the judges. You have no chance to go to Hollywood because you can't sing well enough, and even if you could, you are . . . too old! We will put you on television and we will waste the judges time with you. Thank you.

5. This is a singing competition. Don't tell me about your talent for: dancing, acting, songwriting, juggling, screaming, mumbling, storytelling, or anything else. "Look at the wall behind you, dawg!"

4. If you know you can't sing (and your friends have told you so), reference #5 above. We do not provide on-the-job training. This is not the Peace Corps, a student exchange program, work-for-food operation, or resume builder. Honestly! Are you serious?! Most people's friends say, "Oh, you're so great. You should try out for American Idol. Go for it!" Yours did not.

3. On a serious note, we will take the most energetic, enthusiastic, charismatic, fun-loving person here today, let you sing 2 songs, and then crush your dreams, along with the shred of self-esteem and dignity that you are clutching so dearly, without a second thought. It's what we do here at American Idol.

2. Therapist's endorsements will not be considered to be a credible source of information when determining who will go on to Hollywood. Nor will the opinions of "a friend," "my coworkers," "that guy in the subway," or "the voices in my head."

1. Paula will attempt to give constructive criticism to one of you, just one. Simon will not tolerate this. The judges do not have time to help anyone. They are far too busy listening to people who had no business auditioning for this show, mocking people relentlessly, and acting like giggly teens. Plus, Simon has a headache.

I'd give you more advice, but my haikus have become more sorrowful now.

New York attitude
Simon with a hangover
a match in heaven

There were some bright spots (Mr. Second Chance, Mr. 16, Mr. Shorts and a T-shirt, Miss Canada among them) so all in all it wasn't a bad 2 hours. I have high hopes for Birmingham because regardless of what Miss Opera says, we've seen more talent from the South in 5 seasons than anywhere else. It should be good.