Sweet Home Alabama

11,000 people lined up by 6am and 20 people get through. Wow. Talk about perspective. That is approximately 10,970 very unhappy people, 10 moderately unhappy people (at least they got on television), 16 happy, but annoyed people (they *didn't* get their golden ticket audition on television and you WILL hear about that later), and 4, count 'em, FOUR auditions that we, the viewers and those who vote, got to even SEE. That means that out of 60 minutes of garbage auditions and crap commercials, we got to see, oh, about 6 minutes of talent. And the Mayor of Birmingham.

More fuzzy spots in the crowd. They must've been advertising Chevrolet instead of Ford. Idiots.

So, that's the first time in six seasons that the judges have been welcomed?! Simon looked pleased and cynical as could be.

One of my favorite lines of the evening was "Erika! Erika! ERIKA! Stop singing, Erika! ERIKA! Erika, stop singing. Stop. Stop. Erika. Stop. Erika! Erika! ERIKA! ERIKA! ERIKA! Stop. STOP. Stop. Stop. Erika. Erika. ERIKA. ERIKA! Erika. Stop singing. You've got to . . Erika. ERIKA! You've got to stop singing. Erika. Erika. ERIKA! Erika. ERIKA! ERIKA! You have to shut up!" And now it's echoing in my head. Honestly. Definitely makes you feel less sorry for them. I mean, clearly they're deaf. Or socially retarded and don't understand boundaries. Either one is a definite detriment in a singing competition. Out you go.

My first "LOL" of the evening came from Ryan's oh-so-fake "awwwwwww" at some shed tears. I like Ryan. I really do. And I think he's fantastic. I'm so glad he's the host of this show. He doesn't get on my nerves and I think he's very sweet with the contestants. But, (and again, I refer you to paragraph #1), that's 10,980 "awwwwww"s (those 10 don't know yet that they're on TV so they probably cry, too).

Cute Katie with the weird talking voice but good singing voice who just got married? (Why is Paula kneeling?) When she started pleading, she reminded me of Judy Garland's Dorothy from the "Wizard of Oz" with her desperate plea "Oh no, please! Please don't take Toto! He's a good dog! Please! Oh Antie Em!"

Why can't Paula sit?

Then that skinny girl and her anorexic friend walked off jerking their hips side to side.

Why is Paula giggling?

Bernard Williams II sang and did alright, in my opinion. And in Simon's and Randy's, too. Now, THAT is odd.

Why is Paula touching Randy so much?

So Paula thought he was off-key?? What is going ON with her today??

My 2nd "LOL" of the evening came when they played the Sesame Street Theme to the entrance of Big Bird's cousin, Margaret FOWLer. FOWLer. Need I say more? Oh yes. I do. She's 26, no 30, no 38, no 50! And one of my new favorite Simonisms--"an Easter Bunny nightmare experience." Priceless.

That little montage of golden tickets? Yeah, they couldn't show us more of that and less Big Bird? Grrrrrrrrr.

The girl with the father who caught her stepmomma cheating (twice!) and then shot her and then shot himself and now he's paralyzed and she lives with her grandmama and takes care of him? Well, if that ain't a country song waiting to happen! Yeah right, Simon would've said no to her. Did you see her bouncing up and down? Give me a break.

That 28-year-old guy who sees Christina Aguilera when he looks in the mirror? Yeah, that's Mark's first LOL of the evening. Chris Sligh. He's not very good, but he's very funny.

Why is Paula turning in her seat? And why is she not hearing that this guy IS very off-key??

15 got through on Day 1. Yeah, they'll quickly show you all of them. Did you see them? You see, THAT is also when they show the little Ford (not Chevy) car driving across the screen. What do they have against showing us talent?!?!

Day 2. No Paula.

Long-haired ladies. Nice girl. I *hate* it when Randy tries to over compensate for being a total jackass by cupping his hand around his mouth and yelling insincere niceties to the crying contestants as they exit the room. Does he really think she has "HOT HAIR, THOUGH!"? I HATE that! As if that is going to make up for the missing golden ticket. "Hot hair? Oh, thank you! Yep, all better. Who needs Hollywood? Randy says I have hot hair! I'm like the sweetest girl who's ever auditioned for them and I'm not quite sure what he means since I don't even know that 'hot' has any other meaning besides indicating when the sun beats down on the farm. Momma don't know what he means neither. She shrugged her shoulders and said, 'He didn't e'en touch it! How does he know?' But by golly, Randy thinks my hair is hot. I don't need Hollywood. My life now has meaning." Randy has to be my least favorite judge. Why Paula gets more criticism than he does is beyond me.

What . . . the hell . . . was that? Indeed. Yeah, she's nervous and people tell her she can sing. There you go! But I *love* the southern hospitality montage. "Thank yewww!"

I'm so tired of 1st and last auditions being spotlighted. I know they probably pick who goes in those spots and try to make it look like it's not staged. "Let's see if the last audition of the first day can wow them!" Brandy Peterson did NOT make me feel "shiny and new." She does not make it look like it's fun for a virgin to get touched for the very first time. She makes it look scary. But then again, it's the floor's fault.

FIVE on day 2. FIVE. That's got to be a record low.

Where is Paula?!?!

And now we know more about the role Paula serves--without her, they'd have 24 people after auditions and there'd be no reason for Hollywood.

L.A. looks positively worse than New York, but I love the preview. I'm totally intrigued.