City of Angels (of the Devil!)

Can I just say that tonight I am glad that I can say, "I come from Northern California?" I would rather be a granola-eating (I have some in my cupboard right now), Birkenstock-wearing (I've worn them--they are very comfortable), tree-hugging (it's quite pleasant, actually), liberal-leaning (the older I get . . . ) Northerner than a clueless, delusional show business wannabe, who really comes from some "regular" location like Duluth, but decided to take up the "out-of-work actor" business, mistaking it for glamor. Phew! Got it out of my system! Now I can go on.

But seriously, why is it that L.A. attracts all of the sob stories in life, as if breathing in greenhouse gases continually will make pathetic histories turn around? These are just a few of my (very) random thoughts tonight. But here are my much-anticipated (I'm inflating my ego, A.I. style) "Top 10 Things A.I. Wannabes Should Know: Los Angeles Edition."

10. Do not try and reinvent the wheel. It's round. It rolls. It's worked pretty well for thousands of years. Music still only has 12 notes and you sort of have to keep them in tune when you use them.

9. I look forward to hearing music "fluctuate" and "reverberate" as much as the next guy, but if that's a euphemism for "music that sounds like two cats in heat, clawing each other for hours on end," I'll pass this time 'round. Bringing me to . . .

8. (Why do I bother?) Please, limit your qualifications to one entry, such as "hack" or "delusional wannabe." There isn't enough room on the form to include singer, dancer, songwriter, rapper, actor, choreographer, entertainer, auto mechanic, butler, maitre d'i, news anchor, journalist, communist, generalissimo, large cat, freedom fighter, spinning top, etc., etc., etc.

7. This one's for the parents. I've asked parents in the past to be a bit more truthful with their children, but sparing their feelings by telling your daughter, "You're not T.V. pretty," instead of saying, "I don't know if singing is for you," is not helpful. Bulimia waiting to happen, I'm telling you.

6. I understand it's quite difficult to sing with hardware in your mouth. Oh, that's gold? Then by all means, flash those pearly, er, . . .

5. This is not the American Kennel Club, so pedigree means nothing. I don't care if your mother was in the touring group with Sinatra, Martin, and--on second thought, if any of Dean's friends named "Bruno" or "Vinnie" are here today, we may be able to find you a spot. But sixteen years of training? Are you sure?

4. Today we'll be having a reunion of sorts. We've discovered Ashanti's sister, separated at birth, but displaying the dramatic flair we've come to love. Uncanny, the resemblance.

3. Putting your social life "on hold" for 2 years will help you as much "singing since I was 4." In case you're wondering, that's "not much."

2. Uh, that's a cardboard cutout of Taylor, not the real thing.

1. Being "unique" is actually better than being "x-sentrik." Although, neither one is a great choice.

Bonus thoughts from the Doctor for all of you in the City of Angels, haiku style (were you expecting a limerick?):

Waiting tables is
Not such a bad profession
When you cannot sing!

I actually had a couple of other thoughts (but only one or two) while watching this mind-numbing 60 minutes of "entertainment." Good on ya' to the older gentleman, Sherman Pore, who presented his petitions to "audition" tonight. It was a classy move by A.I. to include him without cynicism, and the judges actually showed some decency and heart. Plus, Sherman was actually in tune, which is more than I can say for thousands of others in L.A. (and elsewhere). Also, I was terribly disappointed in the girl who sang the Michael Buble song, Alaina Alexander. "Feeling Good" is a great song, and I hardly recognized it when she started. I can tell her voice isn't bad, but I really didn't think she was good enough for Hollywood.

So, one more night of auditions. What will San Antonio bring us? Whatever it is, it's almost done!