The Answer: 205

The Question: What is the collective I.Q. of the worst people to audition in each of the first 5 audition shows? I'm guessing when all is said and done, we might reach an even 300, but I wouldn't get too excited about it.

Actually, though, this is the first audition show that I've watched and thought (oh so briefly) I could watch a bit more. I guess it's because 15 of the 20 eventual Hollywood-goers came from Day 1, so the second half of the show was pretty much fluff-n-stuff. Things could have been so much worse, that's for sure. The really sad thing is most of my snarky advice comes from one person's audition in particular. It doesn't take a genius to figure out which one it is.

So, without further ado, here are my "Top 10 Things A.I. Wannabes Should Know: Birmingham Edition."

10. The Mayor is here today, but he won't be assigning any more special days to the calendar yet. You have to make the Top 3 for that. Although, "I hereby proclaim today 'Talentless Insane People Day' in Birmingham" has a certain ring to it.

9. The judges are not particularly interested in any "packages" today, total or otherwise. See #5 here and #8 here. You've been warned.

8. On Day 1, the part of Paula Abdul will be played by some woman who overdosed on Peppy Pills and no longer makes any sense. She cannot sit still in her chair and no longer recognizes good intonation (Michael Jackson dude--in tune, Paula says he is not; Seal dude--out of tune, Paula says he is). On Day 2, Paula Abdul has a "family engagement" and will be unavailable to judge until we meet up with her in a future city. We are told we will see a toned down version of Paula, who will then be on Moderately Pleasant Pills.

7. Do I need to remind anyone that Madonna's "Like a Virgin" is not a song that has been successful thus far on American Idol? Keith did that one in a few years ago and I still can't get that image out of my mind--yuck! Honestly, Madonna's vocals on it were only so-so, but it shocked all of us that were used to listening to the messageless "happy" music of the early 80s so much that she pulled it off.

6. David Hasselhoff was crying because he's just a few years too old to compete. The thought going through his head last year as he was watching Taylor was, "I wonder what the age limit is for German Idol. Chicks love me over there!" Apparently old guys can audition in Los Angeles, so be looking for the ol' Knight Rider to show up again!

5. If you have difficulties with your first song, please blame the floor. It's been known to spontaneously ruin the careers of so many A.I. hopefuls in the past. (As an aside, flooring was also responsible for the sudden and tragic downfall of Milli Vanilli, regardless of the dubbed voice theories you may have heard.) It's only been pointed out lately how troublesome the floor can be.

4. Don't be fooled. If the producers ask you for a sob story, do not think of Kellie Pickler last year and think, "Oh, she had that awful life only thought to exist within the world of country music, and they profiled her, and now she's a star!" It might work once or twice, but this year the producers are trying to really get people's hopes up so the fall is so much more devastating.

3. Randy has so little contact with people in the "real world" that his only words of advice or encouragement may be "hot hair." This is honestly supposed to make you feel better about yourself, and you should measure all of you future endeavors against this heartfelt sentiment.

2. Only a few people will be more entertaining than the movie trailer I watched at double speed while fast-forwarding A.I. on my Tivo. It was something with Eddie Murphy and what looked like a skinny man in a fat suit. Do we really need another obnoxious-guy-in-fat-suit-dressed-as-woman movie?

1. When the judges ask you why you are here, just tell them the truth: I want to be on television. Or tell them you don't know why. They seem to like it when their expectations are low, and then you exceed them.

Here is a bonus plea from the Doctor, haiku style (as always):

You're representin'
Southern hospitality
Ruben, where are you?!

Tomorrow's show looks like a good one. I am genuinely excited to see it. It has all the makings of a good audition show: aspiring actors dressed as bananas pretending to be singers, topless gyrations, and lots of golden tickets.