Top 12 Guys or . . .

"In which the judges are stupid and useless." That's my subtitle for tonight. Don't like it? Bite me.

Tonight's episode put me in a mood. And not a good one. You like it when I'm snarky in my reviews? You're in for a treat then.

I sat through 2 hours of this nonsense so I could get to the only guy in the competition with some serious, serious talent and who is so entirely in a league of his own, it renders the other male performances essentially useless and then I had to listen to the STUPID judges. Idiots. They can bite me, too.

I'll review the performances (though I don't know why I bother -- tonight stunk), but I have more choice words for the stupid judges and idiot host than I do the competitors. I'll italicize them and put them in order as they popped into my head during tonight's show total and utter snoozefest and tedious and moronic comments ("judges," I'm talking to you).

You know what? Let's just start with the italics right now. Tonight, for me, felt like a little jaunt into opposite world. If I liked it, the judges didn't. And if I didn't like it, they did. The judges tell the contestants to be original and then when they are, they say, "Do something more mainstream." They tell them to choose good songs and make them their own and then when they do, they say it's not a good choice and they shouldn't do that to songs. ARGH. It's maddening. I can't even fathom what it must be like for the contestants who surely must need massive amounts of therapy after the ordeal that is competing on this show.

Well, I have a little message for each of the judges.

Ellen, I like you as a person, but not as a judge. I believe that you are a genuinely nice person and TV show host and that you're not going to turn all mean and nasty intense a lá Rosie, but we're not two shows in and I'm already really uncomfortable listening to someone with no musical background giving criticism to these kids and making comments like, "I don't know, but I like your personality and I like you. And the song? I don't know. But I like your personality and I like you and I like your personality, so, I don't know. I like your personality and I like you." I just want to pull my hair and scream, "God Almighty, make it stop!" Ellen, I like you a lot and I like your personality, but I have more musical background than you do and could therefore be more useful sitting in that chair. I feel like I'm watching a doe-eyed groupie (beautiful eyes, by the way, that color is nothing short of unnaturally stunning) who is so excited to be on her favorite show that she just can't believe she's a judge on there and getting paid to do it! Yeah, well, neither can I. I'm sorry, but I can't help but feel that the show loses some credibility having a judge like that on the panel. It would be like you coming and counseling my clients or me trying to be the host on your show. It doesn't work. Oh, but on the upside? I like your personality and I like you.

Simon, you use a lot of phrases like "When you see this played back, you'll see it was really awful," and "When you watch it later, you'll be embarrassed," and "When you hear yourself tonight, you'll recognize how really bad you sound." The same could be said of you.

Kara, you're married?? That only makes your totally inappropriate crush on Casey that much more disgusting. Get a grip, you and all of you. Your ridiculous, juvenile antics had the poor kid trying to not laugh throughout his entire performance, which, to be honest, made it a little uncomfortable for us at home. You've already had the poor guy take off his shirt, you've lifted your leg during an opportunistic and flirty hug, and now you're swooning while he sings? Gross. You should so get fired. Oooh, I know! You and Ellen could get fired together and they could bring back Paula for less than they're likely paying the two of you. Seriously, you're starting to get on my last nerve.

Randy, I've got nothing. Other than suggesting some remedial math (it is mathematically impossible to be more than 100% anything) and perhaps English as a second language to supplement whatever it is you speak, I really don't know what to say to you anymore.

I miss Paula. A lot.

Oh, I'm sorry. Was that long? Well too bad. That's what happens when you have four judges. It's LONG. So excruciatingly long. Honestly, it's painful at times.

All right. Here we go. Again, my favorites are marked with asterisks. Don't look too hard. There aren't many.

Toddrick Hall - "Since You've Been Gone"
Honestly? I thought it was awesome. So, of course, the judges did not. His voice wasn't great in the lower register (look that up, Ellen, it might come in handy for you), but it wasn't terrible either. Like Mark says, the song has a definite early R&B/Bobby Brown vibe to it and that was very cool. The judges were way too hard on him. And, you know, he "made it his own," so they thought he shouldn't have. The judges are so freaking histrionic, it's ridiculous.

Aaron Kelly - "Here Comes Goodbye"
Dude, never, never, never sing songs with prognostic lyrics like that. Never. Seriously, it's a portent. A sign, if you will, that you'll be singing out the credits on the results show. Just don't do it. This kid is a mix of little David Archuleta and little Kevin Covais all rolled into one. They like kids like this though. At least for a little while. That's why he got the split screen treatment that, as far as I can recall, no one else got. You can tell the kid has a good voice there somewhere. Somewhere. I did not think it went well, so of course the judges praised him.

Jermaine Sellers - "Get Here"
This church boy reminds me of Charles Grigsby (who I also liked). He's a good singer and he's so cute. I like him. It wasn't great, though. I liked his look, too, but he's here to sing (hear that, judges? It's a singing competition. Not a fashion show. Not a personality contest. SINGING. That other stuff is part of the package, but the main content is SINGING.) And it was just okay. But I can see potential. And you tell him to be young. He's 27. Young, yes. But not young for Idol. Don't you people have notes so you can at least pretend you care? You 4. I'm talking to you.

Tim Urban - "Apologize"
You want to know whose spot he got in the Top 24? Chris Golightly's. That's right. I know. I knew before tonight. Because I'm that tuned in to the tabloids of this show. This kid is a little too "High School Musical" for me to take him seriously. Not that I've ever seen those movies, but he just seems like he would fit in. He has a teeny bit of a JPL (Jon Peter Lewis--who, by the way, we love) vibe to him, but not enough. And seriously, 4 judges dogging on the kid? So uncomfortable to watch. Having 4 judges is getting really, really old. They all say the EXACT same thing. I don't feel like any of them bring anything original to the table, so we hear 4 different voices from 4 different people say the same exact thing 4 times over.

Joe Muñoz - "You and I Both"
I think I join with the rest of America when I say, "What did he just say?" He's smiley and likable and I dig the accent, but I don't understand his lyrics. I don't think it's his accent, because Julio and Enrique can pull that off. I think he's a low talker. If you watch Seinfeld, you understand. I didn't think it was all that, so Simon liked it.

For those keeping score at home, we're halfway through and still, no asterisks.

*Tyler Grady - "American Woman"
This guy gets a small asterisk, only because I haven't seen enough to get too gushy yet. But I really like this guy a lot. It is SO WEIRD to watch him, because I feel I've entered a strange time warp where some guy has just stepped out of my brother's high school yearbook and time traveled about 30 years to be on this stage tonight. But, Dude, I like him! I love his personality and look, but I also think he can sing. I have two gripes, but they're mostly for the judges, so let me switch to italics. What's wrong with a throwback? We have throwbacks all the time that we praise (reference Bublé and Sinatra or Adam Lambert and Freddie Mercury). It's cool. It's different and you keep saying that's what you want. So please make up your FREAKING minds. Because it's soooo tedious to see you constantly contradict yourselves.

And you heard the kid in his reel. His look has been the subject of a lot of conversation and he'd really like to focus on his singing. So he did. But you didn't. ARGH. And we had to hear it FOUR times, because apparently once isn't enough. Oh, the dumbing down of America! Now poor Tyler has to go to the mall, because guess what? His look? Not an act. He's a tall, skinny kid. And that's how he dresses. That you criticize. But the tails you dig. What are you drinking in those cups? Bring back the beer glasses.

*Lee Dewyze - "Chasing Cars"
I hope he sticks around just so we can hear his name more. It's fun to say. Lee Dewyze. Ha! There's something I like about him, but again, I'm not sure yet what it is. He reminds me of my dear, dear Elliott, but (and I know it sounds crazy) he also has a bit of Mr. Crowe in him when he wears a hat. He was a little off, but I love the tone of his voice. I think he has potential. On this, and perhaps only this, Simon and I agree. (Oh and Simon, congrats on the new shirt, by the way. You're really mixing it up this year.)

As long as I already have the italics feature on, let me address Mr. Seacrest. Ryan, I seriously HATE it when you ask the judges to clarify what they've said. ENOUGH ALREADY. We hear the same thing 4 times. You asking them to clarify usually makes it 6 times. It's especially annoying when they've totally laid into a kid and has him or her on the verge of tears. Please stop. I seriously hate it. Which then makes me sort of hate you.

John Park - "God Bless the Child"
I like his personality a lot. And it'd be cool if Shania did marry him, because, c'mon, how cool of a story would that be? But Seriously? The singing? Yuck. It was NOT good. I had better hopes for him, but he was so nervous and horrible that, well, just ugh. I know he has a personal attachment to the meaning of the song and while it's a lovely sentiment, if he really wants to help out his hardworking parents for whom money is an issue, don't sing such a lame song. It was so so bad.

And could someone please tell me why Ellen, of all people, is saying things to these boys like, "Young girls will vote for you?" What? No "young boys?" C'mon, Ellen. Let's be fair.

This is the point in the show where I look over at Mark and say (because at this point we're both ready to bash our heads against each other to dull the pain), "Well, this is good news for Andrew Garcia, because no one holds even the tiniest candle to him. This competition is so totally his." His and Crystal Bowersox's. And Siobhan's. That's right. That's my Final 3 prediction for now. You heard it here first. Oh yeah, I keep thinking about betting on that. I should look into it. It'd be a fun way to pay our debt to Sallie Mae.

*Michael Lynche - "This Love"
I like him. He's not my favorite, but at number 9 tonight, he was the best singer yet. Oh, that's so sad.

Alex Lambert - "Wonderful World"
He's 19 and in high school? There's a story there! He reminds me of Paul McCartney. I love that he actually mentioned Mary Powers in his video. So so funny. Especially with the ironic clips spliced in. Anyway, I like the tone of his voice, but ugh. His performance was so all over the place. It was SO uncomfortable and he was SO nervous. So of course the judges praised him. And who is James Morrison? Should I know who that is? Oooh, just looked him up. I like!

*Casey James - "Heaven"
Thanks to Magistra, all I see when I look at him is Samantha's "Smith Jared." So, after his intro, I pictured him singing to Kim Cattrall. I love his voice and I really love that he sang an 80s rock love ballad and generally I like his stage presence, too, but it was so uncomfortable to watch him try not to laugh throughout his entire performance. I almost yelled, "HOLY HELL, KARA!" But I restrained myself. Because I am nothing if not restrained. The judges are such stupid juveniles sometimes. It's so not fair to the guy to do that! The swaying, the swooning, the whispering . . . this is live TV, idiots, and it's this guy's FIRST shot at doing this and your immaturity is on the brink of blowing his chances. Morons. So juvenile. Grow up. And then pull yourself together, Kara. You're a judge. So JUDGE. Do you have any idea how stupid you look when you act like an annoying high school cheerleader who's swooning over the football player so much so that you blather through useless words of nothingness that are then transmitted through the airwaves and into millions of living rooms across the country? No? Well, when you hear it back tonight, you'll see how awful it sounded.

And I also find it royally annoying when you all insist on focusing on looks and personality instead of singing. Dude can sing. So help him out with something useful.

But all is okay, because my favorite, and the saving grace of the night, was up next.

*Andrew Garcia - Sugar, We're Going Down"
It. Was. FABULOUS! I cannot BELIEVE the judges were so harsh on him! I bet you one of them retracts what they said tomorrow (which means we'll hear all 4 of them retract their comments. That'll be fun.). I love what he did. It was BRILLIANT. An acoustic version of this song? So very cool. Best singer of the night. By a freaking mile. And all they could do was bash? Oh that's right. It's opposite world. So, since he slayed that song and did generally awesome, they had to criticize. And since he made it his own and was original, they had to tell him to not be so original next time. What the ??

To sum up. The boy, overall, stank. Except for Andrew Garcia. And the judges are stupid.

Going home: Take your pick. It doesn't really matter. 11 of them will leave before Andrew.
Best of the night: Andrew, despite what the stupid judges had to say. Idiots.