I have reviews!

But I'm not sure if anyone out there in cyberspace is reading them here, so before I post, I just want to ask . . . tap-tap-tap . . . is anyone out there? Shall I continue? Thanks!

Top 12 Guys or . . .

"In which the judges are stupid and useless." That's my subtitle for tonight. Don't like it? Bite me.

Tonight's episode put me in a mood. And not a good one. You like it when I'm snarky in my reviews? You're in for a treat then.

I sat through 2 hours of this nonsense so I could get to the only guy in the competition with some serious, serious talent and who is so entirely in a league of his own, it renders the other male performances essentially useless and then I had to listen to the STUPID judges. Idiots. They can bite me, too.

I'll review the performances (though I don't know why I bother -- tonight stunk), but I have more choice words for the stupid judges and idiot host than I do the competitors. I'll italicize them and put them in order as they popped into my head during tonight's show total and utter snoozefest and tedious and moronic comments ("judges," I'm talking to you).

You know what? Let's just start with the italics right now. Tonight, for me, felt like a little jaunt into opposite world. If I liked it, the judges didn't. And if I didn't like it, they did. The judges tell the contestants to be original and then when they are, they say, "Do something more mainstream." They tell them to choose good songs and make them their own and then when they do, they say it's not a good choice and they shouldn't do that to songs. ARGH. It's maddening. I can't even fathom what it must be like for the contestants who surely must need massive amounts of therapy after the ordeal that is competing on this show.

Well, I have a little message for each of the judges.

Ellen, I like you as a person, but not as a judge. I believe that you are a genuinely nice person and TV show host and that you're not going to turn all mean and nasty intense a lá Rosie, but we're not two shows in and I'm already really uncomfortable listening to someone with no musical background giving criticism to these kids and making comments like, "I don't know, but I like your personality and I like you. And the song? I don't know. But I like your personality and I like you and I like your personality, so, I don't know. I like your personality and I like you." I just want to pull my hair and scream, "God Almighty, make it stop!" Ellen, I like you a lot and I like your personality, but I have more musical background than you do and could therefore be more useful sitting in that chair. I feel like I'm watching a doe-eyed groupie (beautiful eyes, by the way, that color is nothing short of unnaturally stunning) who is so excited to be on her favorite show that she just can't believe she's a judge on there and getting paid to do it! Yeah, well, neither can I. I'm sorry, but I can't help but feel that the show loses some credibility having a judge like that on the panel. It would be like you coming and counseling my clients or me trying to be the host on your show. It doesn't work. Oh, but on the upside? I like your personality and I like you.

Simon, you use a lot of phrases like "When you see this played back, you'll see it was really awful," and "When you watch it later, you'll be embarrassed," and "When you hear yourself tonight, you'll recognize how really bad you sound." The same could be said of you.

Kara, you're married?? That only makes your totally inappropriate crush on Casey that much more disgusting. Get a grip, you and all of you. Your ridiculous, juvenile antics had the poor kid trying to not laugh throughout his entire performance, which, to be honest, made it a little uncomfortable for us at home. You've already had the poor guy take off his shirt, you've lifted your leg during an opportunistic and flirty hug, and now you're swooning while he sings? Gross. You should so get fired. Oooh, I know! You and Ellen could get fired together and they could bring back Paula for less than they're likely paying the two of you. Seriously, you're starting to get on my last nerve.

Randy, I've got nothing. Other than suggesting some remedial math (it is mathematically impossible to be more than 100% anything) and perhaps English as a second language to supplement whatever it is you speak, I really don't know what to say to you anymore.

I miss Paula. A lot.

Oh, I'm sorry. Was that long? Well too bad. That's what happens when you have four judges. It's LONG. So excruciatingly long. Honestly, it's painful at times.

All right. Here we go. Again, my favorites are marked with asterisks. Don't look too hard. There aren't many.

Toddrick Hall - "Since You've Been Gone"
Honestly? I thought it was awesome. So, of course, the judges did not. His voice wasn't great in the lower register (look that up, Ellen, it might come in handy for you), but it wasn't terrible either. Like Mark says, the song has a definite early R&B/Bobby Brown vibe to it and that was very cool. The judges were way too hard on him. And, you know, he "made it his own," so they thought he shouldn't have. The judges are so freaking histrionic, it's ridiculous.

Aaron Kelly - "Here Comes Goodbye"
Dude, never, never, never sing songs with prognostic lyrics like that. Never. Seriously, it's a portent. A sign, if you will, that you'll be singing out the credits on the results show. Just don't do it. This kid is a mix of little David Archuleta and little Kevin Covais all rolled into one. They like kids like this though. At least for a little while. That's why he got the split screen treatment that, as far as I can recall, no one else got. You can tell the kid has a good voice there somewhere. Somewhere. I did not think it went well, so of course the judges praised him.

Jermaine Sellers - "Get Here"
This church boy reminds me of Charles Grigsby (who I also liked). He's a good singer and he's so cute. I like him. It wasn't great, though. I liked his look, too, but he's here to sing (hear that, judges? It's a singing competition. Not a fashion show. Not a personality contest. SINGING. That other stuff is part of the package, but the main content is SINGING.) And it was just okay. But I can see potential. And you tell him to be young. He's 27. Young, yes. But not young for Idol. Don't you people have notes so you can at least pretend you care? You 4. I'm talking to you.

Tim Urban - "Apologize"
You want to know whose spot he got in the Top 24? Chris Golightly's. That's right. I know. I knew before tonight. Because I'm that tuned in to the tabloids of this show. This kid is a little too "High School Musical" for me to take him seriously. Not that I've ever seen those movies, but he just seems like he would fit in. He has a teeny bit of a JPL (Jon Peter Lewis--who, by the way, we love) vibe to him, but not enough. And seriously, 4 judges dogging on the kid? So uncomfortable to watch. Having 4 judges is getting really, really old. They all say the EXACT same thing. I don't feel like any of them bring anything original to the table, so we hear 4 different voices from 4 different people say the same exact thing 4 times over.

Joe Muñoz - "You and I Both"
I think I join with the rest of America when I say, "What did he just say?" He's smiley and likable and I dig the accent, but I don't understand his lyrics. I don't think it's his accent, because Julio and Enrique can pull that off. I think he's a low talker. If you watch Seinfeld, you understand. I didn't think it was all that, so Simon liked it.

For those keeping score at home, we're halfway through and still, no asterisks.

*Tyler Grady - "American Woman"
This guy gets a small asterisk, only because I haven't seen enough to get too gushy yet. But I really like this guy a lot. It is SO WEIRD to watch him, because I feel I've entered a strange time warp where some guy has just stepped out of my brother's high school yearbook and time traveled about 30 years to be on this stage tonight. But, Dude, I like him! I love his personality and look, but I also think he can sing. I have two gripes, but they're mostly for the judges, so let me switch to italics. What's wrong with a throwback? We have throwbacks all the time that we praise (reference Bublé and Sinatra or Adam Lambert and Freddie Mercury). It's cool. It's different and you keep saying that's what you want. So please make up your FREAKING minds. Because it's soooo tedious to see you constantly contradict yourselves.

And you heard the kid in his reel. His look has been the subject of a lot of conversation and he'd really like to focus on his singing. So he did. But you didn't. ARGH. And we had to hear it FOUR times, because apparently once isn't enough. Oh, the dumbing down of America! Now poor Tyler has to go to the mall, because guess what? His look? Not an act. He's a tall, skinny kid. And that's how he dresses. That you criticize. But the tails you dig. What are you drinking in those cups? Bring back the beer glasses.

*Lee Dewyze - "Chasing Cars"
I hope he sticks around just so we can hear his name more. It's fun to say. Lee Dewyze. Ha! There's something I like about him, but again, I'm not sure yet what it is. He reminds me of my dear, dear Elliott, but (and I know it sounds crazy) he also has a bit of Mr. Crowe in him when he wears a hat. He was a little off, but I love the tone of his voice. I think he has potential. On this, and perhaps only this, Simon and I agree. (Oh and Simon, congrats on the new shirt, by the way. You're really mixing it up this year.)

As long as I already have the italics feature on, let me address Mr. Seacrest. Ryan, I seriously HATE it when you ask the judges to clarify what they've said. ENOUGH ALREADY. We hear the same thing 4 times. You asking them to clarify usually makes it 6 times. It's especially annoying when they've totally laid into a kid and has him or her on the verge of tears. Please stop. I seriously hate it. Which then makes me sort of hate you.

John Park - "God Bless the Child"
I like his personality a lot. And it'd be cool if Shania did marry him, because, c'mon, how cool of a story would that be? But Seriously? The singing? Yuck. It was NOT good. I had better hopes for him, but he was so nervous and horrible that, well, just ugh. I know he has a personal attachment to the meaning of the song and while it's a lovely sentiment, if he really wants to help out his hardworking parents for whom money is an issue, don't sing such a lame song. It was so so bad.

And could someone please tell me why Ellen, of all people, is saying things to these boys like, "Young girls will vote for you?" What? No "young boys?" C'mon, Ellen. Let's be fair.

This is the point in the show where I look over at Mark and say (because at this point we're both ready to bash our heads against each other to dull the pain), "Well, this is good news for Andrew Garcia, because no one holds even the tiniest candle to him. This competition is so totally his." His and Crystal Bowersox's. And Siobhan's. That's right. That's my Final 3 prediction for now. You heard it here first. Oh yeah, I keep thinking about betting on that. I should look into it. It'd be a fun way to pay our debt to Sallie Mae.

*Michael Lynche - "This Love"
I like him. He's not my favorite, but at number 9 tonight, he was the best singer yet. Oh, that's so sad.

Alex Lambert - "Wonderful World"
He's 19 and in high school? There's a story there! He reminds me of Paul McCartney. I love that he actually mentioned Mary Powers in his video. So so funny. Especially with the ironic clips spliced in. Anyway, I like the tone of his voice, but ugh. His performance was so all over the place. It was SO uncomfortable and he was SO nervous. So of course the judges praised him. And who is James Morrison? Should I know who that is? Oooh, just looked him up. I like!

*Casey James - "Heaven"
Thanks to Magistra, all I see when I look at him is Samantha's "Smith Jared." So, after his intro, I pictured him singing to Kim Cattrall. I love his voice and I really love that he sang an 80s rock love ballad and generally I like his stage presence, too, but it was so uncomfortable to watch him try not to laugh throughout his entire performance. I almost yelled, "HOLY HELL, KARA!" But I restrained myself. Because I am nothing if not restrained. The judges are such stupid juveniles sometimes. It's so not fair to the guy to do that! The swaying, the swooning, the whispering . . . this is live TV, idiots, and it's this guy's FIRST shot at doing this and your immaturity is on the brink of blowing his chances. Morons. So juvenile. Grow up. And then pull yourself together, Kara. You're a judge. So JUDGE. Do you have any idea how stupid you look when you act like an annoying high school cheerleader who's swooning over the football player so much so that you blather through useless words of nothingness that are then transmitted through the airwaves and into millions of living rooms across the country? No? Well, when you hear it back tonight, you'll see how awful it sounded.

And I also find it royally annoying when you all insist on focusing on looks and personality instead of singing. Dude can sing. So help him out with something useful.

But all is okay, because my favorite, and the saving grace of the night, was up next.

*Andrew Garcia - Sugar, We're Going Down"
It. Was. FABULOUS! I cannot BELIEVE the judges were so harsh on him! I bet you one of them retracts what they said tomorrow (which means we'll hear all 4 of them retract their comments. That'll be fun.). I love what he did. It was BRILLIANT. An acoustic version of this song? So very cool. Best singer of the night. By a freaking mile. And all they could do was bash? Oh that's right. It's opposite world. So, since he slayed that song and did generally awesome, they had to criticize. And since he made it his own and was original, they had to tell him to not be so original next time. What the ??

To sum up. The boy, overall, stank. Except for Andrew Garcia. And the judges are stupid.

Going home: Take your pick. It doesn't really matter. 11 of them will leave before Andrew.
Best of the night: Andrew, despite what the stupid judges had to say. Idiots.

Top 12 Boys (Do I Have to Keep 10?)

No word of a lie--I was falling asleep while Kara was talking tonight. And the performances? Bleh, Bleh, Bleh, Bleh plus, Bleh, etc. This is the second night in a row that I wondered what happened to this show. I'm sure it will all get better next week, but I was really disappointed tonight. And what's with the judges and their misplaced criticisms? Number one, don't praise people who really don't deserve it. And B, don't be overly harsh with the two guys who actually sounded like they deserved to be on American Idol.

OK, some questions for some people . . .

Ryan: Do you ever get tired of the endless banter?

Ellen: Aren't you worried a bunch of sorority sisters are downing a beer every time you say "adorable?"

Randy: How many cliches can you fit in one sentence?

Kara: Will you be growing up at all during this season?

Simon: Are you sick of sitting next to her yet?

**********

Todrick Hall: Are you even old enough to channel vintage Bobby Brown like that?

Aaron Kelly: Can you really love your chances when the judges tell you things like, "You didn't sound great but little girls will like your looks so you'll do well?"

Jermaine Sellers: Did you wear underwear two sizes too small to hit those notes?

Tim Urban: What was your other song choice?

Joe Munoz: Did you have to stuff your mouth with cotton before going on stage tonight?

Tyler Grady: I may have missed it in your video intro, but were you trying to make a big deal about your 70s stylings?

Lee Dewyze: Halfway through the show are you feeling so much better about your chances to advance?

John Park: What. Was. That?

Michael Lynche: Seriously, were you playing a ukelele up there?

Alex Lambert: Why the mullet?

Casey James: So are you ready to be taken seriously as a musician, or do you want to be remembered for going topless in your audition?

Andrew Garcia: How hard was it not to go off on the judges as they praised you for your rendition of "Straight Up" (a song that takes guts to make acoustic) and then criticized you for doing the same thing tonight?

TWO WE MAY NEVER SEE AGAIN: Tim Urban and John Park

Top 12 Girls

So much about Idol has changed:

Now the fire background moves in swirls. That's so 2010.

We have a judge who is funny on purpose (as opposed to someone who was funny because people made fun of her). And MAN is she giddy or what. She's so excited she can barely contain herself. She's a total fan. It's hilarious.

The judges are back to drinking Coke instead of beer (like they did in Hollywood).

I personally miss Paula and I think it's SO DULL that none of the judges get up and dance now.

And the judges aren't acting like children with inappropriate jokes and innuendo. Oh wait.


And so much about Idol has stayed the same:

Simon uses the word "indulgent" while massaging his pectoral muscles through his gray sweater.

Kara talks chin first.

Randy attempts to articulate things.

And I find myself worrying, the whole time they're singing, that they're going to drop the microphone. Especially when they switch from hand to hand. Or when they shoot their arms out to the side. I can almost visualize the microphone go sailing off into the audience and hitting someone in the head, leaving the singer with no way to amplify his or her voice. On Live TV. What would they do?! How awful would that be? Could they ever get through after that? I know. I have issues that have already been addressed in countless therapy sessions, thank you very much.

But enough about that.

Here is my I'll-try-to-keep-it-brief-but-brevity?-not-my-strong-point recap of the Top 12 Girls which I've also subtitled (See? Not so much with the brevity.), "In Which Every Girl Reminds Me of Someone Else." *My favorites are designated with asterisks.

Paige Miles - "It's All Right Now"
She reminds me of Milli Vanilli (either one of them) because she has their eyes.
Other than that, I already don't remember much. Oh, the curse of going first.

Ashley Rodriguez - "Happy"
She, who looks like Eva Mendes, is not too happy now.
That's because she was stupid enough to do a Leona Lewis song (Never, never, never do a song by one of Simon's own. Never.).
And worse yet, she didn't do it well.
She's one of the two going home on Thursday. I bet she is.
I should gamble on this stuff. Maybe I could make some money.

Janell Wheeler - "What About Love?"
Janell is a Sarah Chalke look-a-like who sang a song that was way bigger than she could handle, but I guess that's okay because Randy has "mad vibes for her."

*Lilly Scott - "Fixing A Hole"
She mostly reminds me of someone you might find in a nursing home, what with the gray hair and long peacock earrings, but DUDE. That was the first great performance of the evening. And I dig that more people are doing The Beatles. And it's way cool that she played guitar. Love this girl's voice. And I learned a new word tonight. Busk. I'm a nerd and already looked it up. Such a cool, new word. Thank you, Kara.

*Katelyn Epperly - "Oh Darlin'"
So, she's the first to remind me of someone, not because of her looks (she is a WAY cute girl, though), but because of her sound. She reminds me of Kelly Clarkson. This girl can sing. AND she can sing on pitch. Which is more than we can say for the first 3 performers of the night. I like this girl. Though I could have done without Kara's cattiness. Kara reminds me of snotty girls in high school. I wouldn't have liked her then either. Unfair of Kara to fill in her word bubble like that. So so uncool.

Haeley Vaughn - "I Wanna Hold Your Hand"
She has Fantasia eyes. This may be my least favorite Beatles song, but I like what she did with it. That is one confident 16-year-old.

Lacey Brown - "Landslide"
Yikes. Pitchy Indeed. She reminds me of pretty much anyone from "Reality Bites." Don't know who exactly. Other than she seems like she could've stepped out from that movie. I'd like to see her again, though. So I hope she doesn't go home on Thursday. Like Ashley will.

Michelle Delamor - "Fallen"
Brave song. She looks like a mix of Gloria Estafan and Jordin Sparks, but she has pretty hair, sang well, and was okay for me for her. Plus, Randy thought she was "hot and dope and cool." So there.

*Didi Benami - "The Way I Am"
Why were the judges so harsh on this girl? I loved her! Her sound reminds me of Megan Joy (but in a good way), but she looks like Brooke White. Either way, the judges seemed unimpressed, but I really like her. Love her sound. Plus, she met her goal and didn't cry! Go Didi!

*Siobhan Magnus - "Wicked Game"
She reminds me of a foreign film actress. Audrey Tatou? Maybe. No, definitely. Just Googled her. She totally looks like her. And Audrey Tatou is beautiful. So, she reminds me of her. And my Turkish girlfriend from high school. I like this girl. Simon thinks she might be the dark horse. I like that she crossed the gender line and sang a song by a man. The Chris Isaak song was good on her, though I do want to hear her rock out next time.

*Crystal Bowersox - "Hand In My Pocket"
LOVE her. This girl is SO Melissa Etheridge. I love her originality, her dreads, her voice! And I love that she rocked the guitar. The harmonica was good, too, but I think that was mostly so they didn't have to censor lyrics. Anyway, this girl is probably my favorite. And I'd love to see her do David Bowie.

Katy Stevens - "Feelin' Good"
I LOVE Michael Bublé. Like LOVE. Me? Bublé? Big fan. Me. Love Bublé. Oh, I'm sorry. This is supposed to be about Katy. She sang a Michael Bublé song (and I heart him). She did well, but I agree with the judges that it wasn't the best song choice. She is a personal favorite for me, not so much from the singing, but because she's my Portuguese homegirl and I'm rooting for her and her vavó. Oh, and she reminds me of Jenny Gessel. Don't look it up. She's a personal friend, not a famous one. I'd like to see more of Katy. I don't think tonight showcases her well.

My Top Favorites: Lilly (nursing home), Katelyn (Kelly Clarkson), Didi (Brooke White and Megan Joy), Shioban (Audrey Tatou), and Crystal (Melissa Etheridge). And Katy's Vavó.

Going Home: My bet's on Ashley. And one of the others.

Top 12 Girls

Finally American Idol has gotten to the point that I care to rehash what I've just seen, although I'm not quite as enthused as I will be when we have our final 12 finalists. This may explain why I don't have a whole lot to say this week. I was looking forward to tonight's show a little bit since I do think this is an unusually strong pool of female talent, but three contestants into the broadcast I wanted to double check that I was actually watching American Idol and not some other copycat talent show. As Randy would say, "It just wasn't that good, dude." By the end, though I was satisfied that there may be 6 decent female contestants in this group after the also-rans get eliminated.

OK, I have a question for everyone involved tonight:

Ryan: Who was behind the black plaid tie on black shirt wardrobe decision tonight?

Ellen: Are you just having the most fun you ever thought you could?

Randy: Can you build on the few really good comments you made and try to fill an entire show with insightful and useful comments?

Kara: Do you need someone to call you a b**** to make your evening complete?

Simon: Why do you look a little lost without Paula at your side?

**********

Paige Miles: Why didn't I remember who you were before tonight and why can't I remember you now?

Ashley Rodriguez: Why are you still around?

Janell Wheeler: What happened to your guitar?

Lilly Scott: Did you know you were busking before Kara told you?

Katelyn Epperly: Could you BE wearing any more lipstick?

Haeley Vaughn: What did I do to deserve all the screaming at me?

Michelle Delamor: Do I need to take the time to remember you, or should I just wait to see if you've made it to the Final 12.

Didi Benami: Do you and Megan Joy have the same vocal coach?

Siobhan Magnus: Can you name any other Chris Isaak songs?

Crystal Bowersox: Did you know when Simon criticizes you like he did tonight, that means he likes you and thinks you could make him a lot of money?

Katy Stevens - Can you relax and keep it in tune next week?

**********

PACKING THEIR SUITCASES THURSDAY NIGHT: Ashley Rodriguez and Michelle Delamor

Hooray for Hollywood

So, Ellen. I like her. I already liked her before AI and I still like her and I love that she loves American Idol. But I have to admit that it's kind of weird that she has no music background.

Anyone else think it's weird that they switched from the classic red Coca-Cola glasses to mugs of beer with frothy heads on them? Okay, I know it's really "vitamin water," which I'm not even convinced is a health benefit more than it is a money scheme, but still. It looks like beer. And they claim this is a family show.

I miss Paula.

Kara kind of bugs me. Especially when she leans forward, sticks her chin out ahead of her face and uses her arms, hands, hair, mouth, and eyes to go a little too over the top than necessary like practically ALL the freaking time.

I'm so glad Randy didn't get much camera and sound time. I can only take so much.

It is about time they get some SERIOUSLY talented female singers on this show. I am almost always annoyed by most of their female contestants. I recognized that I'm slightly biased, because I prefer a male singing voice to a female one most of the time, but really, their female contestants have left me, for the most part, unimpressed. Well, color me happily surprised, because this year's crop of female contestants (especially those with guitars) is awesome!

I was sad to see Maddie go. I liked her and think they should've given her one more shot. She chose a lousy song, yes, but she sang it well, which is more than they can say for many contestants. And she was likable. I hope she tries out again, because she's good.

I like that one kid whose parents were in gangs. He played an acoustic "Straight Up" that was DOPE! That's right. Dope. Randy didn't say it. So I did. Dope.

Tonight is group night! I love group night! The singing, the drama, the cat fights. It's about as dramatic as it gets for AI, so it's kind of fun, especially since it's only for a day and not a whole season a la The Bachelor.

Mark has made several great remarks this week, worthy of posts of their own, so I hope he won't mind me sharing one of them on here. While sharing his annoyances with Hollywood Week, like how they manipulate us viewers, he said something to the effect of, "It's gotten worse. They're going to put them in rooms and make us guess which one is going home. How are we supposed to know when they only show us like 3 of them leading up to that point?"

Cue Music. Hollywood Part 2 starts (dramatic pause) in 45 minutes!

Bad Mood

It's been one of those days. The kind where you're irritable and stressed out and not so proud of yourself for your behavior. The kind of day where you want to give yourself a 35-minute time-out on the naughty step. Twice. The kind where you just want to go to bed and start over the next day.

But you can't yet. Because you still have a stinking audition show to watch. And we're still not done yet! Oh, the humanity! This is not helping my mood. In fact, this would be the complete opposite of helping my mood. Ellen and Hollywood cannot come fast enough.

The good thing is I've been told that people like my AI reviews better when I'm grumpy. So, today is apparently your lucky day.

Where to start? This. This is why I'm not in bed yet.

I stayed up to watch another annoying intro where Randy pretends to not know which city he's in. We get it, Randy. You're so funny. Ha. Ha.

I stayed up to watch Posh Spice dress and do her hair like an alien from outer space and to wonder if she ever eats at all.

I stayed up to watch four shallow adults who haven't ever quite outgrown high school try to manufacture a sob story where there really isn't one.

And then I stayed up to watch Kara fawn all over every sob story like it's a freaking Lifetime special. "This was very moving." Which part, Kara? That, *sob*, she has been singing karaoke for 3 years? Or the part where that one kid says he lived in Maui (or maybe North Carolina. Potato. Patata)? Or was it the one where the one girl cried when she fulfilled her lifelong dream of meeting Simon? Someone get a screen writer, stat!

I stayed up to fast forward image after image of the Colorado Rockies and gigantic crowds of people chanting what I can only assume was "No, I'm the next American Idol!"

I stayed up to watch Simon call someone lippy and mock her for being a single mother and for wearing a wig.

I stayed up to watch some guy who thinks he looks like Jack Black but didn't really.

I stayed up to hear about twenty "Yes or No, Randy?"s.

I stayed up to watch Dudley Do-Right try out for American Idol. Because you know if that strangely-conceited football player had dressed like a Mountie, he would've looked just like this:


I stayed up to watch some guy with the personality of Bucky Covington do a strip-tease-on-demand for the judges.

I stayed up to watch some kid sing as "community service." A service of what kind, I do not know.

I stayed up to find out that some girl wants to be the "first black pop country mainstream" artist. What? That's about the equivalent of saying you want to be the first Asian rock jazz alternative.

I stayed up because the producers made me think there would be someone naked on the show. Gasp! But no, instead, we got that disturbing bikini boy, not that we had to watch him make out with Ryan. And honestly? In the previews, they had the courtesy to blur out the image. It would've been less nightmare inducing if he'd been naked. I pray I don't remember my dreams when I wake up.

I'm going to bed.

Because they're there.

Idol thoughts. Dancing around my head. They must come out. Because that's how I roll.

Here we go, stream of consciousness style . . . my mind gives a key word or phrase and then my mind answers it. All of this is interspersed with random outbursts, also courtesy of my mind. Kind of like Tourette's, but not exactly (and no reference to the contestant who really has Tourette's, nor is any kind of offense intended or implied).

Random Tourette-like outbursts are not labeled. All other keywords are indicated. We're starting with an outburst.

TEDIOUS! TEDIOUS! Audition weeks are so TEDIOUS! Two more weeks of this crap and then we get to the bridge between SUPER TEDIOUS and NOT TEDIOUS AT ALL (to me), that bridge being ONLY A LITTLE TEDIOUS (because I kind of like it a lot) -- Hollywood week.

Avril Lavigne: Useless, giggly, and don't even get me started on how much she ticked me off with telling that one guy no because she thought he couldn't balance family and work life. That is so not her call. Her call is "yay" or "nay" on their singing talent. That's it. He's there to audition, so obviously he has chosen to pursue it, at least for now. Oh, and her horned hoodie looked stupid.

Katy Perry: I liked her. She has her own thoughts independent of MissIMustHaveBeenSoPopularInHighSchoolThatIThoughtGirls
AlwaysAgreedWithGirls. I loved that. I'll take that to the Kristin Chenoweth Estrogen Fest. Gag.

Some Jonas Boy: Useless. He said, what, maybe 3 words? He just sat there looking what I can only assume is "pretty" to the teeny boppers of today. I spent the whole time wondering if he was the Jonas brother who publicly proclaimed, after returning from his honeymoon, "Sex isn't worth the wait." I kept wondering if his wife would think he was pretty enough to look at that she'd get over starting their marriage off on that insulting foot.

Neil Patrick Harris: Doogie did a pretty good job. But what's with the seating arrangement? He was the first guest judge to not sit by Simon. They even had annoying Kristin Chenoweth (who so totally reminds me of someone who shall rename nameless) sit near him and she was totally irritating him. I think Simon is a homophobe.

What the heck was with the Barney girl turned dominatrix? Was she that scarred by being on that kiddie show with the big, purple dinosaur? Okay, so maybe . . . Either way, her voice wasn't that great. I predict she won't be making it past Hollywood.

All right. So I guess this is more about the guest judges than anything else. Oh well. None of the contestants jump out at me as that memorable. Off the top of my head right now, I like the different sounding contestants who have personality -- like the Portuguese girl, the guy who was on Broadway with Fantasia, the kid whose parents were in gangs . . . yeah, that's about it. Bring on Hollywood. Oh wait. 2 more episodes of crap first.

ARGH!

Did he??

I'm sorry?

Did Randy say, to the girl with the half paralyzed face, "That was wild. When you walked in, it was like you were a little scared of us. And we were a little scared of you??"

Did he? Did he??

Yeah, I thought so.

Idiot.

I hate AI Auditions

I hate them so much that I don't usually blog about them. But I need to vent. I'd avoid these episodes all together, but I want to see the good singers. I want to form some kind of attachment to them and their stories before I see them in Hollywood. But A.I. producers continue to thwart our good intentions with their nonsense.

I hate the waste of time that is stupid-person-getting-airtime auditions on American Idol.

I hate the endless clips of rising suns, rain, seas of umbrellas, rolling clouds in fast motion, setting suns, mass transit, various historical statues, and crowds of thousands chanting, "I'm the next American Idol!" instead of, oh, I don't know, PEOPLE SINGING WELL!!

I don't want to be entirely negative, so let me add that I love Tivo and the ability to fast forward through said waste of time.

Back to the negatives. Because that's what this post is about. I hate that the producers air a 2-hour program, show us 3 decent singers, 147 crappy ones, and then wrap it up at the end with a 30-second montage with the voice over telling us that "19 other hopefuls got that golden ticket." 19 people we didn't see. Because we had to watch girls dressed as guitars, tirades we can't even hear because they're covered up by loud, annoying beeping sounds paired with strategically-placed blue American Idol ovals, and hokey dramatizations mocking decent back woods people from the South or Appalachia, which I'm sorry but is just so totally over the top rude and so very, very politically INcorrect, that I don't know how they don't have yearly lawsuits from the ACLU.

I hate that they let Paula Abdul get away. Loopy or not, she was the saving grace of that show.

WHERE IS ELLEN?? I am so ready for Ellen.

And my biggest beef of all beefs, as I've mentioned before maybe once or twice, Randy Jackson gets on my last nerve. Paula they let go. But Dumb Ass they keep. Let's just call him D.A. for short.


Let's proceed with some of the reasons I don't like him.


D.A. has the inability to think for himself.

After Simon says, "Let's vote. I say yes." D.A. says, "Uh yeah, I say yes, too." But confusion strikes when Simon defaults to D.A. first. We get a series of uhs and ums and nervous laughter followed by stupid questions like, "You want to know what I think?"

And they pay him millions of dollars to do this, Ladies and Gentlemen.


D.A. is a total follower.

Simon likes them, then so does D.A.
Kara likes them. Big surprise! So does D.A.
Simon gets up to take a smoke break. Randy gets up even though he doesn't even smoke.


D.A. makes tons of veiled insults that he doesn't recognize as totally transparent and, on top of that, really believes are compliments.

An average-looking kid walks in and sings like a superstar and D.A. says with a look of awe and a sound of utter surprise, "Wow! I'll tell you what, Dawg. When you walked in here, I did NOT think you would sound like that, but you can really sing!" Which roughly translates to, "Dude, you are so ugly that I thought you would suck" while also conveying the message, "I am totally shallow and pre judge based on outward appearances, because I'm just that fly."


D.A. is a total math idiot (and in 9 seasons, they have yet to clue him in).

I mean he sounds like such a dope and no one stops him.

Simon says, "100% yes."
D.A. follows up with, "1 billion trillion gazillion percent yes!"

Kara says, "100% yes."
D.A. follows up with, "Five hundred thousand percent yes!"

Mary J. Blige says, "100% yes."
D.A. follows up with, "200 percent yes!"

(Not that Mary J. has much on Mr. Jackson. I do believe she said that one of the contestants had won a congeal-iality award. Unless there is a prize in Miss America for the ability to solidify or coagulate of which I am unaware, she could use some clueing in as well).

D.A. has next to nothing intelligent to say.

It all sounds something like "Yo, I mean, dope, dawg. I mean, Dude. That was . . . what?!?! What was, I mean, that was, you know. I don't know, you know? Yo."

He drives me crazy. Seriously, God bless the inventor of Tivo. 2 cities down and 6 to go.