NEW YORK

I'll start off showing my musical ignorance...I wondered why in the world Joan Collins was guest judging!!! No, it wasn't Joan after all, just her long lost identical twin!

I really loved all the back stories on this episode!

Sarah - What a sad/touching story! I hope her dad will support her, she seemed very good!

Best Friends - It will be interesting to see what happens to these two in Hollywood, unless of course Ryan was just tricking us with his false advertising!

Jenry - I liked him! And he was lucky Simon wasn't there, I'm sure he would have had rude things to say since he wasn't a beautiful girl... His mom was cute!

Okay, has ANYONE EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER made it through to Hollywood when they've come to the auditions with ANY KIND OF GIMMICK (i.e. costume, pet, stage makeup, prop...)????? WHY oh WHY do people keep coming with them then? Are they gluttons for punishment? Do they not watch the show? I know several of you comment about this every week, and I just don't get these people who think they're going to get through like that...

Jory - I really liked her!

Porcelana - Those were the lowest low rise jeans I've ever seen...she had a plumber's crack while she was standing up straight! She's got an interesting/unique voice, but she may be a little too *skenky* for me...we'll have to see.

I liked Rachel the opera singer also! She was a surprise!

Nicholas's "second time around" was awesome, I hope he's ready for the challenge this time because he was good!!!

39 people made it through from NY, huh? That's a LOT compared to last week!

New Your New Your

Yeah yeah...cos I'm from new Yawk I gotta hear all dis gripin about our performers. Da reality is simple, we got more singers in da contest den anyplaces else.

Now, I hope that feels your overdone NY accent quota for the year, cos I don't like doing it. On with the show...or train wreck...you choose.

Normally I'm never disappointed in my own state, we are a dignified group (angry, hostile, indignant, rude and surly) and very rarely do you find something that can embarass us. We like to call those embarassments one of two things:
1. Tourists
Basically, these are the people who are visiting from someplace else and don't get it.
"I'm from Maryland and I love it here, except I don't understand why strangers don't talk to me on the subway".
Even if they decide to live here, if they don't get it, then they are tourists.
2. East Villagers
This group of misfits is usually responsible for some of the mind bendingly lame performances we saw last night. Villagers are basically a mix of real NY residents and wannabe real NY residents. They show up and rent the apartment next to some heroin addicts and claim to be actors and performers while working as waitresses and waiters. It's this group of defects that you see parading around on television saying things like "I'm a superstar".

For some reason, that area draws in freaks like magnets. Anyone with any desire to be famous gathers down in the village, they all frequent the same lame bars and call them trendy (like a 20 seat smelly bar is trendy because a bunch of out of staters sit there at night discussing how cool the village is). Now you take these tourists and East Villagers and put them in front of a camera and you get the spectacle you saw last night.

First you have real NY residents, some good, some bad. They came they saw they tried...a few got in. The sad part is the jackasses who inserted themselves in as normal NYers and made complete fools of themselves on national television. I for one am beginning to tire of the producers sick need to put mentally unstable and/or deficient people in front of the camera as if this will amuse us. The bush baby, the Elvis torture test from Memphis and NY's crazy guitar playing psychic who hates her first name. She's sounds like Janis Joplin, Stevie Nicks and Led Zeppelin, appearently that's what they would sound like if you stuck them all into a small room with hungry bobcats. Sorry Julie, a real psychic would have known they had no chance...just ask Dionne Warwick and her Psychic Friends.

What really made me throw my shoe at the screen last night was this annoying nuisance Ian Bernardo. He's a total fraud, he wasn't even entertaining as a joke performer. He purposely showed up to be a jackass and all I wanted to do was hit him in the face with a boat oar. I honestly am not sure who I am more pissed at, Ian for being a worthless talentless hack, AI for giving this loser air time, or Fox news and everyone else who is interviewing this moron as if he is running for office. Please people ignore the morons and focus on the talent.

33 people made it through last night, but my fear is since Davita was one of them, how many other instant cut people got through today only to be sacrificed in Hollywood. Justin Timberlake kid showed some promise, and so did a few others but it seems like perhaps barely good enough might be enough this year. I'm not looking forward to the massive slaughterhouse they are lining up in Hollywood, but at least it will fill time for them.

One last note, I have no problem with Nicholas Pedro getting a second chance, however if I was on the panel he would only be allowed to try out with one song, "Buttercup".

The Big Crapple

Well, more people made it through from New York than from any other city so far, but it's possible that 2 or 3 thousand, and maybe even a million people auditioned there, so that's not so unexpected. I was pleased with quite a few of the auditions, but was sufficiently disappointed as to make another one of my lists. Writing these things is like debriefing after a major disaster. Hopefully Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder doesn't set in!

So, here are my "Top 10 Things A.I. Wannabes Should Know: New York Edition."

10. On Day 1, you will be so terrible that Simon will drink himself into oblivion (apparently until 3 AM!) and will be unavailable to start Day 2. The morning of Day 2 is your chance to slip through before the pompous blowhard with a hangover shows up. Once he gets here, Simon will not be amused by anything! You've been warned.

9. If you were rejected by that Brit on the dancing show, you will not do much better with the Brit on the singing show. This is for two reasons. First, antagonism is just not the best way to impress them. And second, you can't dance, nor can you sing. And you're just plain annoying!

8. If you are on the fence talent wise, offer to let the producers video you down by the Boardwalk in a bikini, and they'll let you go to Hollywood. One of you who was let through to Hollywood because Simon is a dirty old man at heart (not because you have "training") will crack notes on a "humorous" montage at the end. I wouldn't have high expectations in Hollywood if I were you.

7. Please, please, please limit your remarks to 15 seconds, tops. Begging and pleading will not work. I have seen it work only once or twice in 5 seasons, and those people didn't get that far anyway. It's great that you've been working so hard, and have "internalized" the music, and feel it's your chance, and know that the third time is the charm, and you've been to Hollywood twice and know what it's like, and you're up to the challenge, and your mother and sister and friend love you and think you are great, and you refuse to leave when you've been asked, and your hat is dope, and you love Simon, regardless of what anyone says, and . . .

Just go.

6. The age limit is 30. In the past, contestants have had to lie to get through to the judges, but this year we will be accepting one person over 30 to audition for the judges. You have no chance to go to Hollywood because you can't sing well enough, and even if you could, you are . . . too old! We will put you on television and we will waste the judges time with you. Thank you.

5. This is a singing competition. Don't tell me about your talent for: dancing, acting, songwriting, juggling, screaming, mumbling, storytelling, or anything else. "Look at the wall behind you, dawg!"

4. If you know you can't sing (and your friends have told you so), reference #5 above. We do not provide on-the-job training. This is not the Peace Corps, a student exchange program, work-for-food operation, or resume builder. Honestly! Are you serious?! Most people's friends say, "Oh, you're so great. You should try out for American Idol. Go for it!" Yours did not.

3. On a serious note, we will take the most energetic, enthusiastic, charismatic, fun-loving person here today, let you sing 2 songs, and then crush your dreams, along with the shred of self-esteem and dignity that you are clutching so dearly, without a second thought. It's what we do here at American Idol.

2. Therapist's endorsements will not be considered to be a credible source of information when determining who will go on to Hollywood. Nor will the opinions of "a friend," "my coworkers," "that guy in the subway," or "the voices in my head."

1. Paula will attempt to give constructive criticism to one of you, just one. Simon will not tolerate this. The judges do not have time to help anyone. They are far too busy listening to people who had no business auditioning for this show, mocking people relentlessly, and acting like giggly teens. Plus, Simon has a headache.

I'd give you more advice, but my haikus have become more sorrowful now.

New York attitude
Simon with a hangover
a match in heaven

There were some bright spots (Mr. Second Chance, Mr. 16, Mr. Shorts and a T-shirt, Miss Canada among them) so all in all it wasn't a bad 2 hours. I have high hopes for Birmingham because regardless of what Miss Opera says, we've seen more talent from the South in 5 seasons than anywhere else. It should be good.

The City That Doesn't Sleep . . .

. . . and apparently neither do I. I hate 2-hour audition shows. And yet I sit and blog. This show has a hold on me. Or I'm possessed.

No, I'm not possessed! Ian Benardo (see his shirt?) is possessed. Ian Benardo and his chinchilla (where's PETA when you need them?) and his multiple therapists . . . there's something wrong there. Very wrong. His therapist says he's a superstar. He sings of voices in his head. And he's totally full of himself. Now, those are the kind of bad auditions I can get into!

Sarah with the unsupportive parents. Cute girl. Okay voice. The whole lead up was a little too "reality TV" for me (for those new to my reviews, I don't think of AI as a reality show--it's more of a talent show. I'm being serious.). When she was crying and the cheesy music was playing, despite the lack of roses and candlelight and limos, I had to remind myself that she was in fact *not* a bachelorette rejected on the night of the finale. And the phone call to her dad was pretty anti-climactic. Maybe it was just a Sprint promo. Because, you know, text voting isn't enough.

I hated the "Days Of Our Lives" bit, too. So way over the top. That girl oughta listen to Carol and try out for Broadway, because if her singing doesn't get her on, her dramatic acting and oration will.

The 2 best friends and the beach ball intro? Blech! One of the camera operators clearly knows exactly when to zoom in on dirty-old-man Simon during auditions. He ogled that tall one and the camera zoomed right in on his face, mouth agape, pencil nervously twisting in his hands. Disgusting pig.

Anyway, they're both good. The blonde one reminds me of a girl in our ward (do you know who, people from around here?). I like the taller one better. They're both going through to Hollywood only in part because of their voices. They're pretty. And they're best friends. And Hollywood is spelled D-R-A-M-A. We already have Ryan's foreshadowing, which may or may not mean much, but anyway . . .

Cliff? Mr. "Average Joe?" Yeah, he apparently wandered onto the set of the wrong show. Wrong channel, too. I believe he's looking for that "Beauty and the Geek" show on the WB or whatever it's called now. And note to all contestants trying out: if they actually invite you to sing another song, don't play the harmonica.

Did that really need to be said?

Did you guys catch that quick clip of the guy from Lancaster, PA? I'm not quite sure what color his hair is. What is that . . . electrifying blue? Electrifying green?

Fidel Castro! Oh wait, those are Memphis's notes. (Flip paper).

Kia! Aretha Franklin. Ish. I don't love it, but she's good. And after her audition, I thought the judges had really caught on. THREE of them said "100%" and then Randy Jackson had to say, "1000%." AGAIN. Randy, you can't be 1000 per cent anything. Argh.

Day 2. Crap, there's another hour of this . . . 35 contestants they let through. 35! And in two hours, what do we see?? Chinchillas.

Jenry. I like him! That's some good eye candy with that nice voice. Can I say that about a 16-year-old? Very cute boy with a very nice voice.

By the way, I'm not liking the no-Simon dynamic. I was glad when he arrived, cell phones and all.

Nakia Campbell. HOLY BIPOLAR! She's fun! I like her! What energy! What an entrance! Good for her! YES! She is dancing in the streets and I like it! Go Nakia! Wait. Holy crud. She is off key BADLY when she reins it in. And what a totally different exit. Yikes. Maybe she should see one of Ian's therapists. And not the one who feeds his delusions.

Sarah Cowboy Goldberg. My gosh, I think she's drunk! She knows she can't sing! Is she crazy? No, I think she's drunk! She actually just said, "I don't think you have to sing to be an American Idol." She's drunk. Do you ever wonder about how those people must react when they sober up and watch themselves months later? Drunk on national television. Those people have family and friends and jobs. What's her tomorrow morning going to be like?

And Simon arrives. Hallelujah. New Yore! New Yore!

Jory. She's really good! Who is she? I don't have any indicators on my notes. Oh! The one with the big medallion from Canada (thanks, Mark). ;)

Porcelana. The one who's been working out for a year. She scares me. And when people wear pants that low, it makes me very, very nervous. I think I saw her, um, how do I say this politely? I think I saw a definite division of her posterior. I don't really like her. Maybe SHE is the Brenna Gathers of this season. With a white trash touch of Kim Caldwell. Frightening. In the extreme.

George Michael? Simon Cowell? No, that kid is an Osmond. But scary. A metro-Osmond. He sounds like a woman. A woman who can't stay in tune. That was a very strange thing to watch.

Rachel Zevita. Opera? Rock star? Something tells me she won't make it past Hollywood. This makes you also wonder about all the golden ticket holders. They're watching the show seeing everyone else who has received a golden ticket. Of course, they've already done Hollywood and they know whether or not they're contenders for the top 24. THAT they do once we watch all of this.

Oh, I'm so grateful for lots of commercials and the "fast forward" button on the TiVo remote.

Chris Richardson. I'm not quite sure why the judges got so excited about him. He sang way too fast and he sang a song that Elliott knocked out of the park. He sort of reminds me of Justin Timberlake, I guess. But I don't see what all the fuss is about. He was a bit nasaly and rushed. And he said he was singing a song (no pun intended) "interpretated" by Donny Hathaway. Yeah, I'm not feeling it on that one.

Okay, Nicholas Pedro. The guy who backed out in Hollywood this past season. From Taunton, MA. (Did you catch that, Mom?) I like him. I thought they might not let him through, but he has a nice voice. And being from my home state doesn't hurt.

Isadora. Or Julie. Whatever. What's this show rated? That has got to be the most embarrassing thing I have ever watched on TV. I had a visceral reaction. And not the good kind.

I love that Ryan is the host. "It's been 2 days for us. How many has it been for you?" ROTFL!

35 from New York. 35!! Maybe this year's American Idol will hail from New York. I don't know. Next week it's Birmingham!!

Bo out.

Week 2B - New York

Nice to have Carol amongst the judges. I love her music. I see Paula took the opportunity to have her sit between Simon and Randy for a change. Heh.

Ian needs a another couple of therapists. I hated him on So You Think You Can Dance...he was even worse here. Fran Drescher on crack, without the redeeming good looks. I'm glad he already has money - maybe that's his problem in the first place - clearly he's never worked for anyone's respect.

Sarah Burgess was good, and I'd like to see her back. Though I don't know how far she can go, she'll be interesting to watch. Definitely a story for the reality part of the show, even if she can't keep up with the talent. I'm betting her dad is a lot madder than he indicated on the phone call afterward.

Missed the next girl's name - that's okay.

Ashanti Johnson - not good enough, but I was less than amused by the soap opera setup they created to accompany her pleading.

Amanda and Antonella - off key together. Amanda - pitchy by herself, and needs more training. I wouldn't have passed her. Seemed to me she was passed on her looks. Antonella on her own was actually slightly better than Antonella. The judges agreed.
Good old 'kick em while they're down' Simon.

Clifton Biddle - not so much. What's the point of playing a harmonica on your second and last chance in a singing audition?!

Kia Thornton surprised me with her deep, powerful voice. Definitely a contender. I also liked Carol's advice. Simon seems to have gotten Bo's email about exceeding 100%, but Randy apparently missed it.

Jason, was it? Very good for his age. He'll be enjoyable to watch.

Kia - much worse on her second try. Should've have stuck to the first one.

Sarah Goldberg - no, thank you. Pretty smile, though. Too bad she's delusional. Simon was suspiciously/conveniently absent for this one. Did he know better from having met her earlier? Ah - no - just late for work.

Antonio - learning to pronounce your 'k's should happen shortly after getting your green card.

Jory - very nice singing, but she didn't move me, yet. Definitely worth a chance.

Porcelana Portino - her style is not to my personal taste, but she's definitely worked hard, and will continue to do so, and it all showed in her performance. I think she may have trouble with different genres, however.

Christopher Henry - range was too high for me or the competition, but definitely talented. Easy Simon prey, and of course he pounced.

Rachel Zevita - a bit loud, but decent talent. Just not quite good enough, for me, though I might have gone along with the crowd in letting her through. I predict an unhappy and probably dramatic end to her time with the show. Simon will have it in for her, but in the end, it won't just be his opinion.

Chris Richardson - refreshing, but I'm not convinced he's got the breadth. Still, definitely worth a shot. As Paula noted, he'll definitely be a hit with the ladies.

Nicholas (bowed out last season) Pedro - wonderful voice, with a unique, sexy edge. If he can learn/remember lyrics this season, he'll go a long way.

Clairvoyant Isadora should have known better (I'm typing this before hearing her, to prove I'm more psychic than she is - her flat affect gives it away). Surprise! I was right! For phone readings, feel free to call me at 1-800-555-1223, or see my page on Kasamba.com.

I'm beginning to understand that they don't have time (in the decent cities) to show all the good ones that get the golden ticket, so it's better to show some of the disasters than hand-pick only from the golden prospects, which would set those contestants up with viewer expectations more so than the occasional golden ticket we get to see as it is.

See you next week!...

...John